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Delta40
11-23-2010, 12:05 AM
My outlook has changed
as stormwater constantly gushes
into the catchment area.
I hear how far away
freedom must be
while the roaring in my ears
has yet to cease.
Dank, fetid air
swirls upward like urine mist
to dampen even the tiniest hope
of rescue from this cesspool
of lowest life.
Rats nibble, commute, feed.
Infestations scurry
between labyrinths of pipe systems
which loom above me.
My curious presence holds no interest
as the rush hour of life
above and below, swarms past.
Plop, plop, plop.
Rats plummet downwards and get caught
between the steel grate where eventually,
I will feast on the smell of
bloated corpses putrifying
in murky slime.
Does nobody notice
I am tethered to a platform
where life holds as much meaning
as that festering beneath me?
Nobody knows.
Pestilence brushes against my cheek
as if it were my eternal partner.
My bulging eyes scream louder
than the hoarse muffle which
escapes through my taped lips.
How I long to snap my restraint
but the steel noose holds me
hostage to the panther's demand.
He asks for a price too high
to save my innocent soul.
So let me slowly, tortuously whittle away
beneath the boisterous laughter of children
running through Bathpool park.
What use can it be to hope here,
in this dark shaft?
Let me be reduced to runoff,
waste, sewrage. Let me be raw.
Thank the man-made paths
which lead me to this ledge of
avaricious social evil.
Let my weak countenance
shine a dwindling light upon freedom
as it skips and dances
across the manhole cover
of my underground dungeon

PrinceMyshkin
11-23-2010, 12:47 PM
There is so much graphic horror here that the detailing of it began to lose force after a certain length of time and there was no crescendo, as one might have expected. The objective, almost detached voice in which this was conveyed felt as if it were at odds with the content.

Delta40
11-23-2010, 05:23 PM
There is so much graphic horror here that the detailing of it began to lose force after a certain length of time and there was no crescendo, as one might have expected. The objective, almost detached voice in which this was conveyed felt as if it were at odds with the content.

Good point. The crescendo is that it took police weeks to find the body - perhaps I could weave that in and cut down on some detail. I personally like it the way it is though.

Jerrybaldy
11-23-2010, 08:42 PM
I read this as a gripping novel. But I now know it is about Lesley whittle. I don't know that that knowledge is required to appreciate the horror within, but as it is an account or based on the account, knowing that helps.

Reality adds to horror. Her name is now out there.
You saw through her eyes to write this.

Delta40
11-23-2010, 08:52 PM
Its odd that Prince thinks I am at odds with the content and you think I must have saw through her eyes. Do you think it is simply because you know it was about Lesley Whittle?

Jerrybaldy
11-23-2010, 08:55 PM
As Manuel famously said 'I Know nothing'

Delta40
11-23-2010, 09:17 PM
As Manuel famously said 'I Know nothing'

Basil Fawlty: Manuel, go and get me a hammer
Manuel: Que?
Basil Fawlty: A... hammer
Manuel: Ahhhhh, a hammer sandwich!
Basil Fawlty: Oh, must we go through this every time? A hammer.
Manuel: You want to see my hamster?
Basil Fawlty: No, not your hamster. How could I knock a nail in with a hamster? Well... I could try, couldn't I?
[walks away]
Basil Fawlty: Get a hhhammer and hhhit you on the hhhead with it.

tainaprincess
11-23-2010, 11:02 PM
There is so much graphic horror here that the detailing of it began to lose force after a certain length of time and there was no crescendo, as one might have expected.

I agree with part of this portion of Prince's critique. There was no crescendo, but I did not feel that the detailing lost force.


Reality adds to horror. Her name is now out there.
You saw through her eyes to write this.

I also agree with Jerry here. It is still powerful not knowing who this is about, but it is even more so knowing. The descriptions were so vivid that you made me see and feel all that you described.

Perhaps to help you build your crescendo, could write a sequel to this one, following the same style, perhaps even from the same point-of-view, maybe saying something along the lines of "Time seems (or seemed, your choice here) endless/The days merging one into the other,/The days into weeks". Then continue from there. Hope this helps.