my name is Jane...(and the lovely sequel)

[Haunted]

my name is Jane


water is my birth sign
I had no desire to
come back to land

the waves pull and push
my vintage red gown
until the layers of chiffon
open up all around me
like a rose in the ocean

he should recognize me
on the ten o’clock news

I feel a pair of eyes
gaze into mine
hopeless for answers

my new white knight
gently picks off
my long dark matted hair
from my mouth

he notes the saline content
in my water filled lungs
most definitely from the sea
but it could also be tears

before he leaves the
temperature controlled room
he apologetically tags my toe
Jane Doe







Jane first showed up in an earlier trilogy but there's a bit more back story. I fleshed it out and made it a stand-alone poem.
Jane inspired another poem, if I can pull it off I'll post it here later as a sequel. Thanks for putting up with so many versions!

[PrinceMyshkin]

We could do better without "apologetically" in the next to last line. In the first place it raises the question whether his apology is sincere and what it is for, which I can't answer from the clues in the poem. It could of course be that he apologizes because he never recognized her as a real, individual person.

On the other hand, it's more intriguing to wonder what emotions, if any, he has - and whether he knows who she is/was but designates her "Jane Doe" in any case.

[hillwalker]

'like a rose in the ocean' - a beautiful line in a very sad but subtly crafted poem.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Crafted indeed lovely Jane and your sequel.

[Maryd.]

Well... Once again you manage to impress me.
And Prince, I love the word "apologetically" in the last line... I think it makes quite a statement.
Good one Haunted.

[Haunted]

Thank you all, Prince, Hill, Jerry and Mary, for being such good sports. I posted this poem about 20 times and you still care enough to stop in and comment. I'll make sure your efforts won't be in vain, I'm seriously working on a sequel. Of course then I'd still expect you to comment...yet again :D

Prince, you brought up some interesting points. I got the "apologetic" idea from shows like NCIS and CSI Miami, their ME's talk empathetically to their dead bodies... In this case I dont think he knows her. No one does.

[DieterM]

there goes Jane Doe,
unrecognized and faceless (and unloved?)
until the silent poet sings her
farewell song so touchingly
that salt spices my screen...

[Jerrybaldy]

I thought I would repost the eye witness account of Jane's Demise in her new home..

The salt on my blistered lips
crackles on the stem of my pipe.
My sou'wester glows by a sudden moon
briefly free from thunderclouds.

Beneath a flapping throng of gulls
I see a woman like a taffeta rose
disappearing, reappearing
in angry whisps of spray.

I spin the wheel around.
I know her by any other name
and I would never hold her back
on her way down.

[Haunted]

the autopsy of Jane



Y
did I let my guard down


Y
did it feel so good


Y
did it feel so bad


Y
didn’t you try harder


Y
did I let you go


Y
didn’t you save me
from myself


Y
did they have to pull me out


Y
can't they leave it alone


Y
this scalpel
and not a butcher knife


Y
only two cuts
across my chest


Y
stop after the long one
down my abdomen


Y
sew me back
for what’s not mendable


Y
am I still in so much pain


Y
can’t you see that love never dies

[hillwalker]

One could almost say it's a play on words (the Y-section of the autopsy as a question suspended above the body) but it's much too chilling for that. A powerful conclusion to Jane Doe's tale of woe.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Indeed, "love never dies" but sometimes, no doubt, it wishes it would! According to this incisive poem, the body has the easier time of it, compared with the love that survives it! RIP, Jane D.

[Fegger]

Haunted---the second stanza is incredible; and, at first, I thought you may be exposing too much 'of your hand', so to speak. After reading it several times, the supportive stanzas are quite vital in making the work.

I liked 'apologetically' because it's a rather platonic endearment toward a, presumed, young deceased; and it fits quite well with the empathetic morgue employee/mortician. Very nice work.

[zoolane]

the autopsy of Jane



Y
did I let my guard down


Y
did it feel so good


Y
did it feel so bad


Y
didn’t you try harder


Y
did I let you go


Y
didn’t you save me
from myself


Y
did they have to pull me out


Y
can't they leave it alone


Y
this scalpel
and not a butcher knife


Y
only two cuts
across my chest


Y
stop after the long one
down my abdomen


Y
sew me back
for what’s not mendable


Y
am I still in so much pain


Y
can’t you see that love never dies




It wonderful sequel to 'Jane Doe' and glad that I inspired you.

[Haunted]

Hill, you are always so dead on in figuring out what I'm writing, you are the pointer that I'm hitting all the marks and it gives me so much more confidence to experiment. Thank you each and every comment!

ahh, Prince, your depth in seeing life itself beyond the written word. Isn't it so true what you said. Love is indeed a double edged sword. Maybe you'll delight us soon with a poem with that in mind?

Fegger, thanks so much for the read and your kind comment and agreement on that point. Thought Jane needs some "love" at the end of her journey. BTW welcome to the forum!

Zoo, yes, thanks for pointing my Jane Doe to your Jane Doe. As soon as I saw your short story, I felt that an autopsy is in order. It's so nice to be able to share, thanks for the inspiration.

Most importantly I have JerryBaldy to thank. It's his enthusiasm for Love Story and frequent reminder that made me think beyond that story, hence the emergence of Jane, and the rest is history.

[Maryd.]

Again Haunted you have this Jane Doe, working everyone's mind. Including mine. You certainly are on a roll right now. Keep them coming.

[Jerrybaldy]

I know what I like and I liked love story and all that followed. Jane Doe is dead. Long live Jane Doe.

[Haunted]

ok Mary, so kind, I'll try.

Jane says thank you Jerry.

[Haunted]

endless


this is a lovely place
for inconsequential lives
no one comes here
it’s the ultimate safe house
so why can’t I sleep

I wanted to sleep
needed this rest
so badly

but first I have to find it
they all found it
why can’t I find it too

I can’t rest
there is no peace
inside or out
till I find it

someone please help me
will someone please tell me
please please please
tell me is it really there
is it real

is there really such a thing
as closure

[Maryd.]

There's a question that will never be answered Haunted.
You champion you.

[qimissung]

Poems, so full of sorrow and Once a long time ago I saw in a flyer of missing persons a picture of a corpse-a young man whose body was found in a creek. He had no name, and probably never would. I never forgot his face, and I think of him now as I read your poems, so full of dignity and sorrow.

[hillwalker]

endless - an anguished piece, but perhaps it could have been tightened to create greater impact.

The opening verse is fine, but then we get 3 rather lightweight ones - not helped by the change of tense half way through from 'couldn't' to 'can't' - where the lost spirit is doing little except whinge.

And that final couplet reads a bit awkwardly also -

is there really such thing
called closure

Perhaps

is there really a thing / called closure

or

is there really such a thing / as closure

make more sense.

Overall a worthy finale to Jane Doe's tale of woe, but I think her famous last words need working on a little more.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I pretty much agree with Hillwalker: You open with a strong verse but then do nothing more than mumble out variations on it and the end, the call for "closure," smacks too much of psycho-babble. People in pain do not, I imagine, fall back on analytic language.

[Hawkman]

Yes, the tense change is uncalled for and in addition to hill's comments on syntax/grammar, "so bad" smacks a little of pop song lyric and should really be badly. I'm afraid these little quibbles all add up to diminish the impact of what promised at the beginning to be a more powerful poem about loss. But the idea's good and you certainly possess the skill to tighten it up. I hope you will revise it and I look forward to seeing it when you do.

Best, H

[Haunted]

Thanks so much Mary.

Qim, thanks for the comment and the tidbit, that's really sad! I hope someday someone would be looking for him.

[Haunted]

Hill,, Hawk, I just fixed the grammar, thanks for pointing it out. As far as the deterioration in the verse, it's intentional, the end is not supposed to match the beginning because the persona is having a breakdown.

Prince no, people talk about closure like it's chocolate chip cookies! It's no longer a clinical word, it's a buzzword that's empty of substance, which is what I tried to point out.

so......does the lame mumbling make sense now?