Why I Drink

[Revolte]

When I was a toddler a gun went off
and missed my brain by an inch.

When I was a child I dreamed every night
all dreams of fear and death.

When I was a teen I ran for my own safety
from people I thought that I loved.

When I was an adult I learned what it meant
to truly be lost and alone.

So if you wonder why I do the things I do
I can only ask you this,
would you not do the same
if every day was a miss?

[hillwalker]

Interesting piece, let down a little by that final verse I think. A bit of a misfire after such a striking build-up. I understand the message behind your poem but feel you need a little more subtlety in that final stanza to avoid coming across as too simplistic.

H

[Revolte]

Interesting piece, let down a little by that final verse I think. A bit of a misfire after such a striking build-up. I understand the message behind your poem but feel you need a little more subtlety in that final stanza to avoid coming across as too simplistic.

H

poetry is a missfire in general for me as it seems lol, I was expecting the critisism to be about the entire piece, honestly I'm happy with this, well I've got a twelve pack in my system got to head to bed, but ill re check this when i understand it better. as always though thank you for the advice!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I agree with Hill that the verses in which you lay out the precedent for your drinking, but that the last verse is some what weak. What I missed was the energy I assume is still there in the argument you have with yourself over whether your drinking is justified. I think that underlying all those persuasive justifications for it, you my still harbour the belief that it is the wrong - the weak - thing to do. But since you are, apparently, committed to go on doing it and to reproach yourself for doing so, there maybe needs to be a more raw, more forceful FY in that last verse.

[Delta40]

I think it is enough to pose the question (i.e what would you do if every day was a miss?)
the reader can then answer more honestly rather than being led to what you have done as a result.

Very disturbing and thought provoking poem Revolte.

[Maryd.]

Know the feeling Revolte. Good one.

[_Shannon_]

Agree with the consensus to rework the last stanza. Try to not panic that your poem is about to be finished and force it to a close.

And I think I just need to give you a hug, too ((hug))

[Haunted]

It started with a bang and really got my attention, but it lost its edginess along the way.
I think you need to sustain the thought, for example: When I was a child I dreamed every night that every shot fired could be a hit...and then you go from there. The runaway that comes after that fits very well into the whole scheme, but it would be nice to tie the last stanza back to the drinking. With some tweaking this could really be a great poem.