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JoshuaOB
11-21-2010, 02:52 AM
“What’s your name?” enquired the man sitting at the opposite of the table, a black police bowler resting delicately on his head.
I thought for a few seconds before answering him. Why was I here?
“Julie,” I finally said. “Julie Crawford.”
“Ah, thank-you. That confirms our records. Let’s get to it then, shall we?”
I raked my brain, trying to establish the reason for the sudden police callout during work. It was a busy night at the pub. Cid wouldn’t be very happy about being short-staffed, but you can’t really decline a police request. I suppose he’ll be happy that it’s busy though. The pub hasn’t been pulling in the pounds it used to, ever since that murder across the street…
“Do you remember last Wednesday night, the 11th of August?”
Realisation. The copper’s question broke the confusion hovering over me. Last Wednesday night. The murder across the street. The mumbled threat of the passing gang kid, his cold smirk. Oh my God. The threat. “Not a word to the coppers, I know where ya work. Says so on yer uniform: the Loch Inn Pub. Don’t make me come back here, ey!”
“Yes. I do.” Short and sweet. It’ll probably lessen the chances of me being shoehorned into a confession. A confession. What am I, a criminal? Gang deaths, threats, police interrogation. Sure feels like it.
“What do you remember?” the unnamed police officer quietly asked.
I can’t do this. They know where I work. It wouldn’t be hard for them to follow me home. I’d have to leave Edinburgh. I glanced around the room, taking in the details. I could see my auburn hair glinting in the reflection of the officer’s badge. I had to lie.

“I remember after work, I saw a man trip over. He hit his head on the pavement. It looked pretty bad, I called an ambulance for him and left when it arrived. I had to get home.”

Lies, lies, LIES! My mother would be disgusted with me. I have to get out of this situation. It has to be obvious that I know more... I’m sweating profusely… Is it illegal to lie to an officer? I think it is.. it was on ‘The Bill’ once.

“Julie, it’s okay. I know you aren’t telling the entire story right now, and it’s completely fine. It’s perfectly understandable that you are hesitant in situations like this, but we must get to the bottom of this. We need your version of events to clarify what others have seen, and for that to work we need the truth. Don’t forget that there were other people around, other witnesses. Your current story doesn’t seem to match up with theirs at all.

I can’t tell him. Those people were in a fully fledged gang. What would they do to me… what would they do to Marco? He’s my only child. I have to protect him, no matter what. Even if it means lying to the police, something that you can be prosecuted for? I have no choice.

“I can’t remember… there was a crowd. I remember a crowd. I didn’t pay much attention to them..”

I know it doesn’t sound convincing. He’s going to see right through me. I can’t think of anything else to say… I’m going as deep into my head as I can, but nothing is coming out. What else is there? There was the victim. He got out of his car and was almost immediately punched in the head by the guy who threatened me. He fell backwards and hit his head, like I told the officer. There has to be something else I can tell him, he can’t find out..

“Look, Julie. I’m going to cut to the chase. I know you aren’t telling the full truth; we have multiple sets of CCTV footage of the incident.”

There were cameras? I didn’t see any… what is this, London? Do I have to tell him?

“Are you aware that it is illegal to lie to the police, Julie? It’s a criminal offence. Now, are you ready to tell me the truth?”

Me… a criminal. How would that impact on Marco’s schooling, his mother having a criminal record? I guess I have to tell him… maybe they have witness protection, like on TV?

“Okay. Fine. There was a gang. They forced the man out of his car, jeering at him. Like a pack of hyenas, really. Almost directly after he got out one of the thugs stepped forward and hit him on the side of the head. He stumbled backwards and smashed his head on the footpath. I was just standing there, speechless. As the gang left, the one who hit the man told me not to tell anyone or he’d be back.”

There. It was done.

“Thank-you. I understand your hesitation. It is perfectly justifiable. Don’t worry, however, you have almost nothing to worry about. The gang was most likely a group of petty thugs, 14 and 15 year olds mostly. They make empty threats all the time, trying to cause fear and terror. If, however, something does happen, please call us. We’ll have it sorted quickly.”

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August 31st. Nearly the start of autumn. Autumn has always been my favourite season… Trees shed their load, setting the scene for the temperature shift that is always sure to follow.

I’ve got a strange feeling. It’s as if scores of eyes are drilling into the back of my head. That red car… how long has it been behind me? I can’t head home now; they would know where I live. It seems that every time I go out lately, I feel as though I’m being followed. Am I, or is my mind playing tricks on me?

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What, a phone call? This early in the morning?

“Um, hello?”

“I told you not to say anything.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, who are you?”

“You know. You’ll pay. See you soon.”

Who the heck was that? No… it couldn’t have been… “See you soon?” What’s that supposed to mean?

Oh my God. A knock at the door. I’m calling the police.

“Marco. Listen to me. You have to get out of here, it’s not safe. Go out the back door and go through the hole in the fence. Run to Cid’s house, you know where it is. Don’t worry, you’re old enough. I’ll see you soon, everything will turn out fine.”

I’m opening the door. I have to.

“Hello Julie. Need a lift to work today? I’ve got Marco, too. He said you sent him to me; what’s the problem?

It’s Cid.

“Cid… I thought…. I thought you were… I’ll explain later; it’s a long story”

“Alright then, are you okay? Do those police cruisers have anything to do with this?”

The callout… they’re going to want an explanation; nobody is here.

Oh my God. This is all in my head. The gang aren’t going to do anything, why would they? It’d lead to a higher chance of them being caught. This is all fear mongering; scare tactics. What’d the police officer say in the interview?

“They make empty threats all the time, trying to cause fear and terror.”

In the reflection of the cruiser’s windshield, I swear I can see a shadow, slowly flitting between trees. Or can I?

hillwalker
11-21-2010, 09:00 AM
The idea behind the story is quite interesting - a witness pressured to keep silent, and the psychological stress of trying be a law-abiding citizen at the same time as keeping herself safe.

But it does need tightening up to maintain any of the tension one would expect from this sort of story.

For example, this sentence


I raked my brain, trying to establish the reason for the sudden police callout during work. It was a busy night at the pub. Cid wouldn’t be very happy about being short-staffed, but you can’t really decline a police request. I suppose he’ll be happy that it’s busy though. The pub hasn’t been pulling in the pounds it used to, ever since that murder across the street…

is completely unnecessary background - the underlined part in particular is clumsy and distracting when what you should be trying to do is rack up the pressure.

Also there is far too much internalised dialogue from Julie - using it to tell the story doesn't work particularly well here.

As for the plot - it is rather melodramatic - a lot of hot air but absolutely no emotional reality. Your characters are unbelievable, largely due to their behaviour and dialogue during the police interview. It reads like a low-quality TV detective film from the 1960s - nothing at all like how these things are conducted in the real world.

To begin with I hardly think the police would bring someone in for questioning without knowing their name - they would ask the witness to 'confirm their name' at the start of the recorded interview and that's it. The nonsense about confirming their 'records' is pure fantasy.

I was also bemused by 'a black police bowler resting delicately on his head' - unless the tale is supposed to be set in Victorian times (which I'm guessing not since cctv cameras were rather scarce back then) I'm wondering where that image came from.

And the comment 'There were cameras? I didn’t see any… what is this, London?' is just as baffling since almost every town in the UK has cctv on most street corners, not just the capital.

If you are intending writing something based on police procedures for example you need your research to be more accurate to avoid making the story sound absurd. Watching episodes of 'The Bill' is hardly going to cut it.

There's the potential for a better story buried deep in here, but it needs some ruthless rewriting.

H