Superman.

[zoolane]

Superman.

Inside out on the ground he lays.
With hes with faded black jeans.
Torn away from fragile body.
Superman hero next to a Air Nike trainer.
Black track imprinted on he's plain white t-shirt.

A finger twitch slightly.
Hand slow grab superman.
In hope that he will save him.

Ice blue eyes are blinded be great glow.
He closes he eyes just for second.
He try let enormous scream.
But only tiny squeak come out.
Superman fall out of he hand.

[hillwalker]

I'm assuming this is about a young boy being bullied by older boys (monsters)?

I loved the first and third verses - but I'm not so sure about verse 2 as the two lines 'The monsters tower over him./Giggles and pointing at him.' spoilt it for me. Suddenly the subtlety of the piece is erased.

These lines paint too vivid a picture when there's probably no need. If you left them out the reader should still be able to imagine the context of the poem and conjure up their own images of the bullies.

H

[zoolane]

The Satin Sheets.

The passion crumbling under sentiment.
Of the intimacy of the satin red sheets.
Betray is word echo in hes mind.

Had I not be loyal husband.
Devour her very whimper under the smooth sheets.
I can be her very fantasy.
She only has ask.

The overwhelm feels of hate.
I want scream from top roof tops.
A small part my heart break.
When we under the red sheets together.

[zoolane]

I'm assuming this is about a young boy being bullied by older boys (monsters)?

I loved the first and third verses - but I'm not so sure about verse 2 as the two lines 'The monsters tower over him./Giggles and pointing at him.' spoilt it for me. Suddenly the subtlety of the piece is erased.

These lines paint too vivid a picture when there's probably no need. If you left them out the reader should still be able to imagine the context of the poem and conjure up their own images of the bullies.

H

Thank you for comment, now I readed it does not quite belong here. This peice is now boy become to be on 'The Slab'.

[PrinceMyshkin]

While I did get something out of "Superman," especially after you editted it, "Satin Sheets" is the one that moved me much more. Thanks.

[zoolane]

You very welcome Prince, I glad they had desire effect.

[zoolane]

The on slaughter of he heart.
Is so pleasureable for my soul.
The devil has taken over me.
I giggle with enjoyment with pain.
I deliver to him.
As he will never be able to full.
My lover under our silk sheets.

[zoolane]

A Child Is Found.

A child is found in a wild garden.
Beneath a thousand year tree.
Wither flowers with faded colours.
The sweet fragrant wondered of into distance.
The wind sweep out webs from blanket.
The dirt is ingrained in a child teddy.

[Jerrybaldy]

Slaughter Heart is chilling, Zoo. A very evil Siren indeed.
A Child Is Found is sad with imagery packed into every one of its 6 lines. Good stuff Zoo.
JerryB

[zoolane]

Slaughter Heart is chilling, Zoo. A very evil Siren indeed.
A Child Is Found is sad with imagery packed into every one of its 6 lines. Good stuff Zoo.
JerryB

Thank you Jerry, Slaughter Heart is the other half to 'The Satin Sheets. All the poems are equal to short piece or other poems.

[Jerrybaldy]

Ah, I see Zoo. You should marry them up with second half a response to the first.

[zoolane]

Superman.

Inside out on the ground he lays.
With hes with faded black jeans.
Torn away from fragile body.
Superman hero next to a Air Nike trainer.
Black track imprinted on he's plain white t-shirt.

A finger twitch slightly.
Hand slow grab superman.
In hope that he will save him.

Ice blue eyes are blinded be great glow.
He closes he eyes just for second.
He try let enormous scream.
But only tiny squeak come out.
Superman fall out of he hand.

The Slab.

It began with slab and with a body of young boy on it. Hes hair is ginger. Five freckles stood on either cheek. The candy pale pink is hes lips. Ice blue eyes hide behind the now white as sheets lids. The morgue is like a freeze but with stern, small areas of cleanest and mess. The stitches goes down hes tors co and across the chest.

Here I lay on silver, steel table. I wish had blanket. My body had being drained of blood and fluids. My inners have half in masses. The decade that was my life has being washed away. All my wrong doing has my forgiveness. Which my soul is now new again with my death. Being dead is woke me from deep sleep. From not being anyone robot or toy.

[zoolane]

The Satin Sheets.

The passion crumbling under sentiment.
Of the intimacy of the satin red sheets.
Betray is word echo in hes mind.

Had I not be loyal husband.
Devour her very whimper under the smooth sheets.
I can be her very fantasy.
She only has ask.

The overwhelm feels of hate.
I want scream from top roof tops.
A small part my heart break.
When we under the red sheets together.


Onslaught of a Heart.

The onslaught of hes heart.
Is so pleasureable for my soul.
The devil has taken over me.
I giggle with enjoyment with pain.
I deliver to him.
As he will never be able to full.
My lover under our silk sheets.

[zoolane]

The Secret Garden.

Scarlet is weep itself into the pond.
There white blight is form all on the garden floor
Empty space is under the fruit tree.

A grief stricken young girl.
As she stay hid within wither flowers.
Her skirt is tore to pieces.

A unwanted bundle is near tree.
The shame of it all.
The girl crying with guilt.

Desperate for someone to hear her.
In the secret garden
The small hole has being fill.

Under the fruit tree.


A Child Is Found.

A child is found in a wild garden.
Beneath a thousand year tree.
Wither flowers with faded colours.
The sweet fragrant wondered of into distance.
The wind sweep out webs from blanket.
The dirt is ingrained in a child teddy.

[Delta40]

Your write such fragments of different times, different ages, gender and yet still some story of the hand who writes leaks through. I liked satin sheets and slaughter heart. do you mean onslaught at all?

[zoolane]

Your write such fragments of different times, different ages, gender and yet still some story of the hand who writes leaks through. I liked satin sheets and slaughter heart. do you mean onslaught at all?

Thank you for great comment Delta and it does sound better now it onslaught.