What do you want from me?

[Thomkins]

What do you want from me?

Look at me, look and see,
What do you want from me?
Glossing my face, with a tear,
So what do you want from me?

It’s not you, I am the weak,
What do you want from me?
Thanks to you, for loving me,
Beacuse you do it perfectly.

You laughed with me, constantly,
So what do you want from me?
But asking now, where are we,
And what do you want from me?


Mocking me, almost beautifuly,
What do you want from me?
All you said, loving eternaly,
So what do you want from me?

Deny the wings, were you free?
What do you want from me?
Please let it be, give up finaly,
So what do you want from me?

You laugh at me, stabbingly,
So what do you want from me?
But asking now, where were we,
Why did you ever wanted me?

[Haunted]

I'm very confused, who's the one saying What do you want from me?

[Thomkins]

Me of course, but I don't think it is that important. I would realy like feedbacks on impressions and other stuff :). Just feel free to comment, I would appreciate any advice on how to write better.

[Haunted]

ok so my comment would be, I don't know who's saying what and when, so I can't make sense out of it. If I may make a suggestion, You can italicize the lines spoken by "you", just to differentiate the speakers. Otherwise my impression would be "confusing".

[Delta40]

I didn't have that confusion. I assumed you were the voice asking the question. Perhaps 'what do you want from me?' could be asked at every second stanza as a stand alone line? That way it would maintain some of its power without sounding too repetitive.

[hillwalker]

I think the problem with this poem is that it has been written as an exercise in maintaining rhyme - at the cost of everything else.

Sometimes repeated rhyme can be hypnotic - but in this piece it becomes tiresome, especially as the reader becomes increasingly frustrated by the parade of words ending in '-ly'.
And the refrain 'What do you want from me?' begs the answer, "a break from this poem, please."

'You laugh at me stabbingly' - yeugh. This line is not your finest moment.

It would make more sense if you decided first of all what you were trying to say, concentrate on how best to express that to the reader, then if need be play around with some rhymes that fit.

As it stands this is a work in progress rather than the finished article, and there's still some way to go.

H

[Thomkins]

Thanks for your honest opinions, I see now I have a very long way to go :S. At least I'm prepared to walk it through. Maybe the next one will be better. As for Haunted, sorry if I offended you, I didn't mean to. Thanks once again. :)

[Jerrybaldy]

I found the repitition too much. Knowing the coming lines before I get to them makes me skip them and the whole thing then falls apart.

'wanted' should be 'want' in the final line.
Keep at it Thomkins, your next piece may well be great.
Best wishes
Jerry