The Stranger's Shadow

[kittypaws]

OK fellow Lit Neters....this was one of my first writes and I delete a stanza or two cus I know I tend to 'talk too much.' But I wanted to leave it kinda whole to see what you would think. Written 1/6/1972.



The Stranger's Shadow


While walking downtown one day
Some time in the month of May,
I noticed all alone and gray,
A person standing in a store window.

She stood all by herself,
And looked so lost and blue.
I watched a tear fall from her eye
And wondered why?

I could not help but stare.
She looked so lost and in despair.
Then I realized why she looked that way.
No reason to wonder more.

Loneliness brings the rain.
Loneliness costs the most.
Loneliness is a bottomless ache
Loneliness ~ death's kiss to her lips.

As I moved on
So did she…
And the woman in the window
Followed me.


kittypaws

[tailor STATELY]

I liked this very much; even the end rhymes and stuttered metre, which cast an uneasiness in the reading, was quite interesting.

"She was alone; no reason for was." - seemed a bit off for me
and
"Loneliness cost the most." - perhaps 'costs' would be better.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[kittypaws]

Thank you tailor STATEY for your comments....I have made changes...


kittypaws

[hillwalker]

You say you tend to 'talk too much' - and this poem is 'exhibit A' for the prosecution!

There's the skeleton of a good poem here but there's an awful lot of scaffolding that could be pulled down so the reader can focus on the subject itself.
In my opinion all you really need are the bits in bold type - the rest is garnish.


While walking downtown one day
Some time in the month of May,
I noticed all alone and gray,
A person standing in a store window.

She stood all by herself,
And looked so lost and blue.
I watched a tear fall from her eye
And wondered why?

I could not help but stare.
She looked so lost and in despair.
Then I realized why she looked that way.
No reason to wonder more.

Loneliness brings the rain.
Loneliness costs the most.
Loneliness is a bottomless ache
Loneliness ~ death's kiss to her lips.

As I moved on
So did she…
And the woman in the window
Followed me.

I know it's cutting away a lot - and undermining the structure and rhyme of the poem. But that's the only bit of glitter I was able to salvage - it's a good poem but it's crying out for a makeover. After all the trimming it could I am sure be reshaped into a very elegant piece....

H

[kittypaws]

Wow! I thought I had trimmed it down! :blush:

Like I said it was back in 1972 .... does that count for anything?

thank you H ~ you DO have a way with words!

kittypaws

[Haunted]

When you've got two lines like these not just in the same poem but in consecutive stanzas, it's time to take it to the chopping board!

"And looked so lost and blue."

"She looked so lost and in despair"


I agree with Hill to forgo the rhyme. But I see the contrast you want to make about it being in the spring and here's someone who seems to be stuck in an emotionally cold winter, so here's how I would do it.



in the month of May
all alone, lost...gray
A person standing in a store window

a tear fell from her eye
(why?)

Then I realized —
Loneliness...

It brings the rain
It's is a bottomless ache
It's the death's kiss to her lips

As I moved on
So did she…
And the woman in the window
Followed me


The ending is intriguing and it shows the potential in you as you grow as a writer, and your more recent writing certainly proofed that.

[hillwalker]

Wow! I thought I had trimmed it down! :blush:
Like I said it was back in 1972 .... does that count for anything?


Blush? Nay, lass. No need for that. And I'm guessing you wrote this in the bloom of youth so of course you are forgiven.
But it can still be revived with a touch of the scalpel.....

H :-)

[Delta40]

I think it needs a makeover too (1972 was a good year!) I like the version by Haunted better than Hill's and I don't have the skill to put one of my own forward. I definitely like the concept of look at the self through a window as if they were another person.

[kittypaws]

Thank you ~ all of you ~ for your input.

I will work on a re-write of this and perhaps some of my other poems I wrote in that time frame. I was very depressed during those times and many of the poems are very dark.

Kittypaws