The Passing of an Era

[Vane C.]

The time was soon here.
For a very long time, he had waited for this moment to come, and tonight, at 12 o’clock sharp to be precise, it would happen. A lot would change, but at the same time everything would stay the same.
He glanced absently at his wrist watch and noticed that only half an hour remained. The whole city knew it was coming… hell, the whole world. The whole world, indeed. A new era was due.
He grinned as he thought about it; many promises would be made, not all of them kept. Everyone would look up to the sky and know what lay ahead.
He felt excitement grab hold of him.
It had taken a whole year to reach this point, and now, at long last, the night he had been waiting for was to come.
Around him he heard the drone of voices; people were starting to come out of their houses. The clock was ticking, and they knew it. They had to hurry now.
He glanced up at the starlit sky and wondered how long it would be now. 5 minutes? More? Less?
Soon the sky would light up for the whole city to see, and the fact that they all knew it was coming didn’t make it less appealing.
He raised the glass to his mouth and took a zip. Then he put the cigar between his teeth.
“Alright then,” he said in a raspy voice, and grinningly looked up at the sky, just like everyone else around him. The time was here for the whole world to take a step into a new era!
Suddenly he saw a subtle light appearing in the far distance, rocketing upwards towards the dark sky. A high-pitched whistle filled his ears and then an almighty bang announced that the time was finally due.
More or less simultaneously, a hundred other lights then appeared and reached for the skies.
Once again he looked at his clock.
The new year was here!

[hillwalker]

Huge yawn!!!!!

I'm rather confused why you chose such a long-winded way to tell us so little.

The first 9 sentences - from 'The time was soon here' (whatever that means) to 'Everyone would look up to the sky and know what was ahead' - could be left out as they just repeat the same nonsense in as many different ways as possible.

Perhaps you are attempting to create an element of tension or suspense... well, this is most definitely not the way to go about it.

The piece does improve slightly as we move along but it's still very flimsy. Lines like 'He felt excitement grab hold of him' are an example of a writer telling us something (although, in this case very little) when he should in fact be showing us. How is the reader expected to know how it felt to be grabbed by excitement from this sentence as it stands?

And 'zip' should be 'sip' I'm assuming.

I suggest you practice expressing your thoughts as concisely as possible - writing is generally a case of quality rather than quantity.

H

[Vane C.]

I wanted to give the impression something really big (possibly bad as well) was about to happen. And give the reader the impression that this looming disastrous sort of event had at least something to do with the man in question. Then, in the end, reveal that the world-spanning event really is just new years evening... well, I guess I failed rather miserably at that..

[hillwalker]

Mhmm. Bit of a damp squib I'm afraid.

I think the problem was that you took so long to get the story started - all that boring repetition right from the start. I only pricked my ears up half way through it.

I like the idea - and you're no mean writer - you just need to put some thought into how to create tension and menace. I always try to imagine I'm a film director - translating the build-up in a really scary movie into words is a good way to practice creating what the reader expects from a suspenseful story.

Don't give up - just put yourself in the place of the reader.

H