Untitle poem.

[zoolane]

The Rope.
I am tugged on a rope.
Weighted down with your heart.
The rope is slipping out of my grasp.
The rope is burning my hands.

I am trying hold on with all my might.
But the rope pasting through my fingertips.
The noise from your heart fallen is deaf ed me.
Your heart making hole in the ground.

[Delta40]

Try editing this one Zoo. I can feel the rope burn as you struggle to hold on tight but fall anyway but in the second stanza you use the term 'gently passing' which doesn't reflect the real pain here.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Although I agree with Delta, it's a touching poem. I'm not sure if "crate" in the last line is meant to be crater, though, or something else?

[hillwalker]

Another thoughtful piece zoo - but you should give it a title to make it complete I think.....

H

[zoolane]

Try editing this one Zoo. I can feel the rope burn as you struggle to hold on tight but fall anyway but in the second stanza you use the term 'gently passing' which doesn't reflect the real pain here.


Another thoughtful piece zoo - but you should give it a title to make it complete I think.....

H


Although I agree with Delta, it's a touching poem. I'm not sure if "crate" in the last line is meant to be crater, though, or something else?

Thank you all it has edited and gives a title.

[zoolane]

I Summoned Thee....

I summoned thee to a boat on the river.
On hot blistering summer evening.
I summoned thee to a boat on the river.
As the whites of your eyes catches the moonlight.
I summoned thee to a boat on the river.
As the night air, sets your cotton dress a float.

I summoned thee to a boat on the river.
As mist draw in.
I summoned thee to a boat on the river.
I grow wearily of a odd feeling inside.
I summoned thee to a boat on the river.
Where my teeth get near to your pure white neck.

[Jerrybaldy]

Untitle ( now titled poem :D ) is improved zoo.
I summon thee....vampires ! A great end zoo. Did not see it coming .
Were should be where in the last line.
cheers
Jerry

[zoolane]

Thanks Jerry, First poem is suppose about headache but didn't quite work out.

I am extremely pleased with 2ND poem.:thumbsup:

[zoolane]

Thy Villain.

Thy villain has come for thee.
I beseech you, thy to come thou kindred vault.
Thy shameful deed that thy done to thou.
By thee break thou glass of heart.
Thou shall take thee black death potion.
Thou fallen with thy love.
With thee shall sleep until heavens opened.

[hillwalker]

Err, might I suggest you return to contemporary English, zoo. Please.....

I detest modern poems that try to appear grander than they are by using such contrived language anyway, and in this particular instance your 'thys', 'thees' and 'thous' are a bit of a jumble to be honest. Most of them appear to have been used in the wrong context.

Sorry,

H

[zoolane]

The Villain.

The villain has come for me.
I loath you, now to come my kindred vault.
The shameful deed that you done to me.
My break my glass of heart.
I shall take my black death potion.
I will fallen with my love.
Then we shall sleep until heavens opened.


Sorry got bit muddle.

[hillwalker]

Huge sigh of relief.....