The November Endeavors (A Collection)

[Jack of Hearts]

Please consider the fact that sometimes this can be a *very* busy section of the forums.

Everybody wants their poems read.

To be fair to others, if you are going to post more than one of your poems on the same day post them in the same thread.

Do not start a *new* thread for every single poem. It is not fair to others who also want their poems read.





The November Endeavors
A Collection




1. Baby Tells You About Tigre

Tigre* falls down to the carpet
Word-trains come full-steaming out
Indecipherable stories and wonderings
relating the plush on the ground

This poet puts love into lines like
a bird who's song clarion-rings
but when baby tells you about Tigre
baby we mean the same things





(*TEE-gruh)

[Jack of Hearts]

2. The Honest Cup

There are hungry rippers crawling
Highroads about the place
and behind old meter-ed shadows
I'm prone to keep my face
Perhaps it's plain old fear
No, that ain't the reason why
I'm more inclined to break a mirror
than dodge a passer-by

Dropping meter is the only honest thing I can do.
Quit grabbing, you're hurting and that is a person.
That is a person.
When did that stop being enough?

Sipping from the honest cup
is keen to turn my stomach up
Yet anything to fog a mirror
I'd burn your living flesh my dear

[hillwalker]

Never boring..... I enjoyed this pair.

I'm guessing by now you are sick of having your poems compared to Dylan's work (I blame that avatar), although there are certainly elements of song in so many of your pieces.
If I had to compare I might mention the name Nick Cave. But your own work is authentic enough to stand on its own merits without being tagged to any other writers.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

3. Buy a Brew a Scotsman

It's ok to trust a Scotsman
believe his insight is quite keen
From the rain that falls on northern rocks
To... uh, the rain in Aberdeen
Buy a brew a Scotsman
wherever he is seen

He'll take a pint
room temperature
and find my accent queer
but fast friends you'll make
with Scotsman
unless your finger's in his beer
(How else could you know?)

[Jack of Hearts]

4. She Might As Well Be a Statue

Your chiseledness
Strikes the light direct
and your silence
allows me to project
Thirty-one or more flavors
my imagination does you favors
Let's not let any truth
ruin the impression stone has set

Of a girl who might not speak my language.

[Jack of Hearts]

5. Go Tell the Morning

Go tell the morning roll away
don't wanna find it
Best settle conscience during the day
god how I tried it

Everything ain't like it seems
As I'm twist-wrecking flesh and sheets
and my self screams or my mind bleeds
Some invisible part of me
coming apart at
the seams

[hillwalker]

5 is an original - love the phrase 'twist-wrecking flesh and sheets'

3 and 4 - not so sure... I blame the rhyme for hijacking the sense, but since I'm allergic to it anyway I would say that.

H

[jajdude]

Yeah I like #5

[Jack of Hearts]

6. Cold Pine

Listen,
it's cold up here
and I ain't too sure what's goin' on
but one day soon I'll shut my eyes
and in that blink it'll all be gone

I didn't mean
to take for granted
the mystery that comes from being a child
and loving wild with frozen smiles
and never letting go

Oh but babe that ain't the way
clinging on means living pain
I looked for you between the trees
the cold pine sucking life from me
And as the snow hit the ground
what strange new notes might we have found
had you brought your girlish sounds?
And then the quiet falls like down-
white snowflakes
Dazed and alone

Through the neighborhood fires go out
Chimneys stop-cough up their clouds
It's gone too soon to make it last
It was a present opened too fast
Then later on I went away
but know for sure I changed that day
The boy on road between man and child
was pushed to crawl
a snow-wrought mile

[Jack of Hearts]

7. You and Me and My Duds

You and me and me and my duds gotta figure out
I mean falling flat, what's that all about?
Baby you cannot force it
though with time you can coerce it
That for sure's the lesson here I've no doubt

Impotence, I tell ya it's no joke
Sooner or later happens to every bloke
So is it equally unheard
That I should lose my wood with words
So sorry if poems 3 and 4 have both choked

Part of 5 too.

[Jack of Hearts]

8. Your Original Sin

Come strut over, please attend
It's under stranger stars
heaven and hell should blend
In my mind are evil deeds
'Least to you, such as they seem
Have a sip of honey
and do what's right to me

Take it all off
I mean your sweater and your bow
Quickly take it off
These extras all must go

In all the greatest stories
it can be so hard to tell
the difference good and evil
and those who do them well
If you're feeling dirty now
the slightest bit unclean
remember what you're sipping
and the thoughts it's made you dream

Take it all off
your dress and then your thong
They say it's only natural
Why does stripping feel so wrong?

Naked as a baby
That's how you were born
It wasn't til much later
all these things that we've adorned
Glamor and glitz, snippets
from fashion magazines
Hatred for thyself
and a case of 'gotta-be's
You shut your eyes and wonder
When did pain begin?
Hatred for thyself
Your original sin
Take it all off

[Jack of Hearts]

9. It's Against Some Law

Even if it's only for yourself
Even if it's left upon the shelf
Even if it's lonely for awhile
Even if you're bucking turkey wild
Do it like it's goin' out of style
be it treasure or a heapin' pile
Do it just like you couldn't fail
Get at it like a K-Mart sale
Try it though it may turn faces pale
Do it
but do keep out of jail

[Jack of Hearts]

10. Struggling with the Form

Last night
they told me they was sorry
That a broke like me had to come this far
At dawn outside
I sit beside the trash cans
and pour them full with clanks from my guitar

Half of me just won't get up and walk
The other half does algebra with chalk
It's so hard to sit in place
and my forehead splits sideways
Between the stink of math and
smell of trash-can rot

[hillwalker]

There's a lot here to absorb, and some work better than others.

A line here and there catch the eye, and show great potential :

Chimneys stop-cough up their clouds

and

I sit beside the trash cans
and pour them full with clanks from my guitar

stand out, and 'Your Original Sin' is by far the best of this latest group.

But in places these seem to stumble to a halt - beat poetry that's lost some of its pulse.

If they are posted off the cuff then it's understandable - a touch of attention deficit syndrome - no poem allowed to reach a proper conclusion because there's another one tail-gating it.

Interesting stuff all the same, and you most certainly have an original and authentic voice.

H

[Haunted]

November is such a prolific month for you, thanks for bringing us all this work that is so fresh and individual. While most if not all are very unique, #10 Struggling with the Form stands out for me.

[jajdude]

"That a broke like me had to come this far"

bloke?

[Jack of Hearts]

11. There is No Finale Just the Insides Burning Out

It's like death, it's not alright
I wandered here and took a bite
of soul fruit

But the feast is over
here's an empty cup
Stuck in here
Not sure what to do

A writhing of a ghostly form
near the spot where my stomach's warm
and I-
I'm not sure what to do

It's in there somewhere
I believe it's somewhere
Somewhere where I've dried up
and pouring words out turned to
chewing sand

Cruel clock hands
take too long
and I get sick
whispering to myself

Here again
Pray to angst, my pen,
or a reader to help to bleed me through

If the words come out
I'll pray however you want me to

[jajdude]

Keep going Jack.

Talent.

[Jack of Hearts]

The November Window

I'd light a wick and see;
all light is warm in November,

light, late fall pressing on winter,
tinted, harvest orange light
pressing on deep, deep icy blue.

I'd see my image in the glass,
and then memories and dreams
against November, unable to know
them apart in equal measure,

or find any edges true
between bronze and blue.

And like this, years can blend, too-

now the reflection sees an extinguished candle,
a November night buried in dark hues.

[DocHeart]

Many thanks for sharing these, Jack! I'm at work and can't read them right now, but I do look forward to sitting down with them and a glass of scotch tonight. :)

Best,
DH

[Bar22do]

Bless you for not deleting these!!!! "The November Window" is subtle and, at least for me, so evocative!
I'll return to this and the others soon. Thanks for letting them be, just like that on the page, for us to enjoy your art.

[AuntShecky]

At last my timing is right and I got the chance to read these before you deleted 'em. Every one of them has the quality of a contemporary song lyric, specifically "alt rock"--is that still around. If there's ever an opportunity to set them to music, perhaps the meter should be tweaked in places (?) As if yours fooly were an expert in prosody.

# 8 fits nicely in the ancient tradition of an "alba"-- Cf. Allen Ginsberg's short poem with that title. Also, #11 channels the great Randy Newman. (You can keep your hat on.)

[DocHeart]

Dear Jack,

Have I ever told you I considered myself half-Scottish? I spent a good chunk of my youth there, and on graduation day I promised I would go back every summer to catch the Fringe. Alas, I've never been back. Why not is a long and boring story. The point is, I'm finally getting a chance to sit down with that scotch.




3. Buy a Brew a Scotsman

It's ok to trust a Scotsman
believe his insight is quite keen
From the rain that falls on northern rocks
To... uh, the rain in Aberdeen
Buy a brew a Scotsman
wherever he is seen

He'll take a pint
room temperature
and find my accent queer
but fast friends you'll make
with Scotsman
unless your finger's in his beer
(How else could you know?)



Quite right. Let's put it this way. If I had decided to stay in Scotland, it would have taken about 1,200 years to be betrayed as many times as I have living elsewhere.

The hesitation in line 4 works well as a comic device, as do the rhyming lines 3 and 6 in the second stanza. Previous commentators said that many of your November poems sound like songs; they do. I imagine someone improvising this on the piano, surrounded by drunken Scotsmen who are pisising themselves laughing.

I can't quite get the last line, which spoils the finale for me a little. But maybe that's just me, or maybe part of the joke.






1. Baby Tells You About Tigre

Tigre* falls down to the carpet
Word-trains come full-steaming out
Indecipherable stories and wonderings
relating the plush on the ground

This poet puts love into lines like
a bird who's song clarion-rings
but when baby tells you about Tigre
baby we mean the same things


(*TEE-gruh)


This is adorable, and shows what a softie you are deep down. The last two lines are great -- they finish off an affectionate poem well, making sure you convey all you want to. The alliteration works well, too, as does the use of the word "baby" itself in your last line.

You big fluffy person, you. :)





5. Go Tell the Morning

Go tell the morning roll away
don't wanna find it
Best settle conscience during the day
god how I tried it

Everything ain't like it seems
As I'm twist-wrecking flesh and sheets
and my self screams or my mind bleeds
Some invisible part of me
coming apart at
the seams

I love this. The opening few words ("Go tell the morning...") have a whiff of metaphysical poetry about them, reminiscent of John Donne and other such old foggies. But then comes an all-American contemporary phrasal verb - "roll away". What kind of cocktail are you cooking up there, Jack?

"Twist-wrecking flesh and sheets" is one of those lines I wish I had written. And I personally am able to relate very closely to the generic bitterness and pain that emanates from the avoidance rhetoric you have employed here.

I know we're allowed to play around with punctuation as we please, but I would have preferred a full stop at the end. Pedantic? Moi?



4. She Might As Well Be a Statue

Your chiseledness
Strikes the light direct
and your silence
allows me to project
Thirty-one or more flavors
my imagination does you favors
Let's not let any truth
ruin the impression stone has set

Of a girl who might not speak my language.


Ah, the foreign. Isn't it perfectly charming. Especially when it comes in a package like the one you describe here.

And here you go again, a title reminiscent of the metaphysicals. I'm beginning to suspect we share the trauma of a university professor making us wade through that particular Norton Anthology section, wishing there just for a moment that we had taken our pals' advice and studied Business Administration.

This Greek has difficulty imagining how "chiseledness" would be pronounced, but still I love the line that follows immediately after. Avoidance again, and quite rightly so, as imagination shouldn't be limited by reality, even if your girl does speak perfect English.

I'd do away with the line break before the last line.



The November Window

I'd light a wick and see;
all light is warm in November,

light, late fall pressing on winter,
tinted, harvest orange light
pressing on deep, deep icy blue.

I'd see my image in the glass,
and then memories and dreams
against November, unable to know
them apart in equal measure,

or find any edges true
between bronze and blue.

And like this, years can blend, too-

now the reflection sees an extinguished candle,
a November night buried in dark hues.


This is my top favourite so far (November is far from finished).

S2 shows you are a grand master of the comma, and much more: it shows you dig the change in the quality of light from one season to the next. This awakens emotions in most people, but very few isolate it as an idea in their minds. Even fewer can put it into words.

"And like this, years can blend, too-" -- yes.

I don't think this one can be faulted in any way, unless perhaps I started whimpering about it deserving a brighter, not so gloomy, ending.

Many thanks for sharing, Jack. I'm gonna pour another one and read the rest now.

Best,
DH