Unnamed story.

[123ornot]

On the Cliffside, a man of dignity squatted. However this was more a ledge sticking off a mountainside, nevertheless, the folk of America still claimed it as a Cliffside. The only way to the ledge was a damp, dreary, and ill-lighted cave. He was cornered, if he were to jump, he'd have fallen to his death. Then came the problem. Vile flesh-eating creatures lurking in the pits of Hell crawled out of their resting places to bring an end to humanity. These creatures swarmed through the cave, but the man, known as Painkiller, was prepared for the attack. The previous night he had set up a Gatling gun, and mountains of ammunition, for he knew about the zombies since they have been going on since 1913 to his current day (Jan. 16, 1917).
Seth "Painkiller" Agron was a well-known sharpshooter, although his accuracy was almost superhuman, he was most famous for his extremely high tolerance of pain. Nobody, not even Seth himself knew how this tolerance came to be.
Painkiller manned the Gatling gun, and brought seven zombies to rest instantly by aiming for the head. Blood sprayed out of their open necks and stained the snow with a bright, shiny red. About fifty-seven more crawled up. Seth was up to the challenge until one pulled a revolver out of its holster and aimed it at him."What the hell?" He asked himself. This was the first time he'd seen, or even heard of something like this.
He was screwed for sure. The only thing he could do was jump off the ledge. As he fell, he slammed rocks with his feet and hands to slow his fall. Death was within grasp. Naturally with the speed he was falling a human would cry out in pain as they grabbed a rock and forget what they are trying to do, but his high-pain tolerance saved his life. The zombies at the ledge started jumping down along with Seth. Seth watched as they splattered against the ground turning the world another color.


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about the indentation, it wouldnt let me do that, sorry. Please give me feeds.

[hillwalker]

To make it look cool.....mhmm.

At least I can see you enjoy writing and you have the potential to be creative.
The plot bears a resemblance to many slasher movies/computer games I'm sure and you would have got a kick in coming up with your own version. But there's not a lot of substance in the story itself the way you have written it.

It's a bit like a graphic novel or a comic strip - but without the pictures. The action tends to take a leading role, and the main character is very much secondary. The only thing we really know about him is that he feels no pain. There is no reason given why this particular character has taken on the challenge to defeat the zombies. Does he have a grudge against them? What drives him to risk his own life?

The only bits you tell us about him are presented in such a way that it's impossible to believe he is a real person.


Seth "Painkiller" Agron was a well-known sharpshooter, although his accuracy was almost superhuman, he was most famous for his extremely high tolerance of pain. Nobody, not even Seth himself knew how this tolerance came to be.

If you are trying to make him leap to life from the page then writing stuff like this will actually have the opposite effect. You are painting him as a cartoon character (which is fine if that is all you intend him to ever be).

The reasons he is unbelieveable are that

i) sharpshooters (?) are never well-known - why would they be? and who would they be well-known to?
ii) then you use the word 'although' before explaining his skills are 'almost superhuman' - the word 'although' suggests the opposite to what was said before, so perhaps you meant to write 'his accuracy is in no way superhuman' (?)
and iii) again, how can someone be famous for intolerance to pain? it's like being famous for the ability to hold ones breath or read upside-down writing - hardly the stuff that makes the headlines.

I would also question why a sharp-shooter would manhandle a huge gatling-gun up through a cave onto a cliff face - its a rapid-fire machine gun that sprays bullets out at such a rate and in such a wide arc that a blind man could probably guarantee to hit whatever its pointing at.

It needs some work to make anyone sit up and say - 'wow, this stuff's good'. My advice would be to keep writing but rein in your enthusiasm for the action and aim more for an exploration of Seth - look at his personal story. Who is he? What are his dreams? What makes his pulse quicken and kicks him out of bed each day? You can't write about someone when you have such a flimsy knowledge of what makes them tick. If i were you I would ask Seth to tell you his story and take notes.

Good luck

H

[123ornot]

Thanks for the reply, but you see, I'm trying to make this a novel, it starts out you know nothing about Seth, and you learn more as it progresses. This is just how it starts. I get exactly what you're saying. And I meant to have had "Although his accuracy was almost superhuman, he was most known for his high tolerance of pain" to be it's own sentence. I mean, i kind of questioned myself too when it came to the point where he was most famous for his tolerance of pain. But what i plan to do is make the era of zombies be what caused his unrealism, because the fifth page explains that he gained his painlessness on his 21st birthday, the exact day of the first infected. But again, thanks for the review.

[hillwalker]

You're welcome.

Might I just mention that if this is how your novel opens you might want to consider a major rewrite. As it stands it is unlikely to attract much of a readership because there is no structure or tension to the story.

Perhaps you should read more to get an idea of how narrative works - imagine you are directing a movie. If your intention is to begin with an exciting scene there's no room for all the irrelevant background information you have included at this stage. Cut to the chase.

H

H

[123ornot]

I have a question. Can i keep this the opening scene and just add more stuff like "The moans and groans of the zombies tore Seth apart reminding him of his wife and child who often starved because he was unable to pay for food."?? Or should I completely change it?

[hillwalker]

If you want to start with this dramatic scene that's fine- but stick as close to the action as you can.
At this stage in the novel there's no need to mention things like what he did the night before, how long there had been zombies in the area, his tolerance for pain and other distractions.

I would begin with Seth jumping off the ledge. Concentrate on what went through his mind as he plunged to certain death - giving away as little background detail as possible. That can come later. This way the reader will want to continue reading - to find out who Seth is, why he was forced to do something so dramatic and who the other bodies falling onto the rocks alongside him were.

Of course, you still have a lot of work ahead of you but if you enjoy the story and trust Seth to guide you along you'll probably have great fun.

H