lost soul

[chrisb_92]

Well, this wasn't initially meant to be a poem but song lyrics, so keep that in mind. Just want some opinions.. i didn't structure it in any particular way.

I lost my soul in substance, i guess i sold it for sorrow
And now i've been given a chance to paint myself a new tomorrow
I'm a lost, blackened soul, searching for a sign
Oh, as a child i felt whole but now i feel nothing, most of the time
Yeah, the devil's got my soul but there's something worse i fear
redemption should be the goal
Sometimes i'm just more comfortable here
So i look to others for guidance, i suppose
But i don't have myself convinced because i abandoned hope so long ago
I guess that's why i sit and cry
I get high but still i sigh
Yeah the devil bought my soul and it's been colored black
Before i can repaint it, i've got to buy it back
Oh, that bastard's got my broken soul
And i need to ****ing steal it back
Or soon, i fear, it will become forever black

[Delta40]

I don't know if it is because you have said they are song lyrics but I sang them as I read....so yeah, definitely a song - not that songs are lacking in poetry at all; it's just that you would need to tighten it in terms of rhythm and you could increase the power of being a lost soul by dropping the rhyme factor.

[hillwalker]

It has the rhythm and rhyme of a song, but not really enough bite given the subject matter.

Phrases like 'a new tomorrow' and 'searching for a sign' are so over-used in hundreds of pointless songs that they are totally meaningless and just weaken any impact you are trying to make.

I would suggest you try to explore the darker side more rather than make this piece seem like the story of a weak, half-hearted attempt at recovery.

If we understand more of the conflict, the stresses and pressures of rehab then you don't need to pay so much attention to how you are going to get out of the grip of the devil's gloves.

H

[chrisb_92]

Thanks for the feedback! I'm doing some revisions, taking both of your suggestions into consideration.