fire... again

[Helga]

Ok, I wrote a poem in January and posted it:http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50267
Now I have made a few changes and I would like your opinion be honest and brutal af you think it right.


Fire
Looking back on our nights together
I want to remember them all
The first time you kissed me
The first time you touched me
When I hoped you would never let go

A small devil came and took you away
A small devil came so I stayed away

I hoped you would find your way back

Thinking of you and why I left
Thinking of the love I left
The love I could have had

Then I heard your name
‘the young man’
‘the fire’
The young man that was my first love,
And he didn't know

I wish I could take all those years back
And never stray from your side
I wish I could touch your hair again
I wish I could look in your eyes again
I know I would only see a fool
In your eyes I would see my reflection
A fool looking at you

It finally hit me, I know you are gone
I know I won’t see you again

You were my lover
You were my friend

When I found you again you were gone.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I empathize with you. It is indeed painful to look back and think that by one's own folly one lost a lover.

[Jerrybaldy]

Sweet regret Helga. A phrase I hate to hear and can never argue with is 'It wasn't meant to be'. But this is poetry and you are allowed to wonder :)
best wishes
Jerry

[Helga]

but is it better than the original one? that is my main thought now and if not can you suggest any changes?...

[hillwalker]

I can see why you tried to make this more subtle by writing 'the young man'/'the fire' instead of a longer quote from whoever gave you the news. And you succeed.

But I'm wondering why you inserted the line:

A small devil came so I stayed away

Personally it made more sense without this.

H

[Helga]

thanks for the reply, I added it because the devil is supposed to be drugs and because of them I decided to stay away.... but I will take it under consideration

[hillwalker]

Now you have explained the context it is not so out of place. Perhaps something along the lines of 'A small devil came and drove me away' - because otherwise it is hard to comprehend how you knew the 'devil' was there if you had 'stayed away'..... just a thought.

H