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brizig000
11-11-2010, 10:35 AM
" Hello Joe. I was enquiring about the ladder you have for sale please give me, Tammy a call at five-o-one three two eight four."
He picked up the phone and called her back. " Hi this is Joe. You called about the ladder."
" yes, I wanted to know if it was a six foot ladder."
" I advertized that I had a six foot and a seven foot ladder." He thought.
He looked breifly at the ladders in the storage bay him and my brother Dave bought from an auction. The renter of the unit could not pay his bill So, the contents get sold all at once. " Yes. I remember it was an alluminum ladder. I counted five steps." He said with unsure air.
"Wait was there six steps?" He thought.
" Well Let me go home and check to see if that will be tall enough to reach the a/c filter I have to change. I am at Wallmart right know."
" I know I have a six foot fiberglass ladder here at my home. I only need one so, I will sell you that one if the other is not one. You don't know how high your ceiling is. A six foot ladder would be fine for a standard eight foot ceiling."
She never called him back. So later the next after noon he left her a message. " The alluminum ladder is a six footer." She did not call back.
He began to tell his brother that he had only one call about one item for sale on craigs list and a thought flashed before his eyes. " This girl Tammy called. She called me from jail."
Dave looked at me strangely. "What?"
"I remember seeing her picture on the Indian river County Inmate Search daily charged people. She is still in there calling me." Joe said.
Joe thought someone called him from jail right after he visited the prison for a tour once. He don't recall how He figured out someone at that time called him from jail.
"Someone called a while back when I listed something else for us to sell. It was her. She was the only one that called. She asked questions that the advertisment already explained and never bought anything." Joe said.
Joe saw her first at the A.A. meeting he began attending. "She is pretty fine." He thought. She shared with the group once and said she went to prison for three years and read passages throughout the Bible before and right after bed. He asked her after a few meetings if she had any interest in reading novels.
" No I do not." She smiled with a eye battering smirk. Another time he asked if he could get her on face book. She didn't do facebook either. She was still friendly in her act towards my question with a wink.
Craigs List Posting Title: TV about a 25" So Tammy Price: $25 Spacific Location: (Port Saint Lucie)
Posting Description: I can't read or read a tape measure. That's right only one dollar an inch. I think I read on the back of the TV that it was a 1993. Some basic brand. I do remember there was a b or an s in the word. Thank the lord it isn't as heavy as that other one we have still have for sale that I lugged to the Farmers Market once. Ask about that one and i'll tell you its big. I walked on it with my shoe. That would be three and a half to four shoes diagnally from a standard sized human being at 5' 9" tall or three and a half cockateils with their wings spread. Call Joe at 563-8762.

loki456
11-11-2010, 02:10 PM
ok a few things - sorry I'm flying out soon, so i'll be quick.

'please give me, tammy a call.....' grammatically sounds off, she should have started with her name, like a normal person. something like ' Hi Joe, my name is Tammy and i'm calling in regards to the ladder you have, can you call me back on blah blah blah. - that's a normal conversation.

use 'he' instead of 'him' in the sentence '.... him and my brother dave brought back...'

you also used a capital S in the sentence that followed, mid sentence.

'He said with unsure air.' - he said will suffice.

so sorry, I really need to run. There are a few errors in there - but nonetheless it's not bad writing. didn't really keep me entertained, as there was really no build up to any plot I guess.

the writing was sound - the story was a tad boring.

thanks for sharing

Loks

brizig000
11-14-2010, 03:48 PM
Thanks for the input. It will help me in my future writing and reading and I will be looking to find some of your writing to comment on.

loki456
11-15-2010, 12:41 AM
hey no worries - I wrote something a few weeks back if you want to check it out - like you, I love the criticism, you need to if you want to keep going from strength to strength. Don't take anything to heart, take it on board and if you think the advice is rubbish, don't listen to it. You are the author after all, it is your work.

I'm pretty busy, so it usually takes me a couple of weeks to post. In the mean time I do waste my time regrettably on here... so many good writers, can't tear away from it haha.

anyways hope to read more from you in the future. all the best.