How Did We Dance

[kittypaws]

For the first time in a ‘million’ days
There are no water drops on my pane.
The moon appears to be full
Hard to tell, the clouds are still rolling thru.

I love the night!

You once said we danced all night.
Tell me, how did we dance?

Was it ball room dancing,
Did you spin me around.
Then grasp me tight
As you let me fall to the ground?

Was it romantic dancing,
Where you held me close
Our eyes locked upon each other
Warm breath upon my breast?

Tell me,
How did we dance?




Kittypaws

[Delta40]

I would so like to know the answer Kitty! odd rhyming here matching the unsure steps of the dance you're trying to figure.

[hillwalker]

I enjoyed the sensual nature of this, and the rain-spotted window pane as a metaphor for looking back at a particular memory.

I was not so fond of the third 3-lined stanza... 'Enchanting, mystical...etc.' because it diverted my attention away from the real message of the poem - I'm not sure whether it was all those '-ight' rhymesclustered together or that cliche'd second line.

But once it got back on track it held my atention right to the end.

H

[kittypaws]

H ~ I believe you are right....that stanza does take away from the poem's question. I have removed it....better?

Thanks!

Have an awesome day!

Kittypaws

[hillwalker]

Definitely better!!!!!

[PrinceMyshkin]

The poem enchanted me with its vulnerability, up until
For the first time in a ‘million’ days
There are no water drops on my pane.
The moon appears to be full
Hard to tell, the clouds are still rolling thru.

I love the night!

You once said we danced all night.
Tell me, how did we dance?

Was it ball room dancing,
Did you spin me around.
Then grasp me tight
As you let me fall to the ground?

Was it romantic dancing,
Where you held me close
Our eyes locked upon each other
Warm breath upon my breast?
this point, where the preceding image of the speaker being allowed to fall to the ground is followed by the close-up of her partner's breath on her breast, which is all the eroticism I think the poem needs or can handle. Indeed



Or did we dance
Close and erotic
Our bodies grinding together
Bringing out our sexuality,
Our reality?
diminish that eroticism by intellectualizing it, and "our bodies grinding together" - which would be fine in a different sort of poem - here has the effect of diminishing, grossing out, the romanticism of what came before. Instead of this verse, I recommend you end with:



Tell me,
How did we dance?

Because that leaves us, along with the speaker, in a poignant mood of wondering whether all the preceding was 'real,' i.e,m did it mean as much to him as it did to her?

Tell Me,
Was it worth it?

I am not sure, as my pane
Now have water marks upon it
Once again.
Tell me once more,
How did we dance?

As I hope I indicated above, the rest of this merely reiterates, too literally, what was more suggestively there in the preceding " Tell me / How did we dance?"
Kittypaws

[Haunted]

Questions we are almost always afraid to ask, strung together by the metaphor of water drops on the pane. The repetitions work like lyrics in a song to which the dance of life takes place. You might be able to tighten it up just a bit but it's still a memorable piece.

[kittypaws]

Prince ~ I understand what you are saying...some times I don't know when to stop writing. Thank you for your advice.

All of you here have been very helpful to me in my writing. You make me focus more. I tend to try to fit twenty pounds into a ten pound bag.

Haunted ~ you are not left out of the above comment a bit! Ahhhh! If anyone knows how to dance it would be you!

I will edit and see how it feels, as it is all about feelings.

kittypaws

[kittypaws]

Much better!!


For the first time in a ‘million’ days
There are no water drops on my pane.
The moon appears to be full
Hard to tell, the clouds are still rolling thru.

I love the night!

You once said we danced all night.
Tell me, how did we dance?

Was it ball room dancing,
Did you spin me around.
Then grasp me tight
As you let me fall to the ground?

Was it romantic dancing,
Where you held me close
Our eyes locked upon each other
Warm breath upon my breast?

Tell me,
How did we dance?

Thank You All ~ your feedback is appreicated.

Kittypaws