Hawkman
11-09-2010, 10:29 AM
It is a little known fact – what am I saying – it was in fact a closely guarded secret, known only to a select handful of inquisitors in a secret committee of Jesuits in the Vatican – that Leonardo da Vinci actually invented the phonograph in the 15th century. So, how do I know this?
Well, I’ll tell you.
Leonardo was interrogated by the Grand Inquisitor, Thomas de Torquemada, circa 1492 and the entire interview was secretly recorded by Leonardo for the purposes of ensuring that he had an accurate record of the proceedings. This was in case he needed to defend himself against accusations of ungodly practices and heresy. He seems to have completely overlooked the fact that the very existence of the recording would probably have earned him the condemnation of the church on the grounds of practicing sorcery. Fortunately it never came to that during his lifetime. But the recording and the equipment used to make it, including all the notes and designs, were seized by the Inquisition on Leonardo’s death. They have remained safely under lock and key in the deepest vaults of the Vatican – until now.
By virtue of vast personal expense, and a certain degree of skulduggery, I have obtained a transcript of the conversation and having translated it, my pleasure is to make it public, for the first time ever.
DA VINCI:
This'a bloody thing had'a betta work…
(sounds of footsteps and distant banging as if someone is using a sword hilt on a door)
DA VINCI:
Ok, ok, I’m a coming! Keep’a your hair on.
(sounds of door being unlocked and opened)
DA VINCI:
Who are you and wadd’a you want’a with me, eh?
TORQUEMADA:
I am Thomas de Torquemda, Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition!
DA VINCI:
Oh, I been’a expecting you…
TORQUEMADA:
Expecting me? Impossible! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
DA VINCI:
Well I did. You’ ad’a betta come in.
(sounds of approaching footsteps and chairs being moved around.)
TORQUEMADA:
How could you possibly be expecting me?
DA VINCI:
Well I am’a de genius, everyone, they know it.
TORQUEMADA:
I don’t.
DA VINCI:
Why don’t’a this’a surprise me…Why donn’a you sid’down, your eminence.
(creaking sounds)
TORQUEMADA:
Who said you could sit?
DA VINCI:
This is’a my house and I a sit if I wanna to.
TORQUEMADA:
Don’t get fresh with me, sonny, or I’ll have you roasting on a spit before you can say Medici!
DA VINCI:
Lighten up, your eminence, this ain’ta Spain.
TORQUEMADA:
I am charged by his Holiness to seek out the godless and heretical wherever they may be.
DA VINCI:
What’a make’a you think’a you find them here?
TORQUEMADA:
His Holiness demands that I put you to the question…
DA VINCI:
Look, if’a de Papa wanna ask’a me something, all’a he got to do is ask’a me himself. He could’a give me a call onn’a the telephone I make’a for ‘im.
TORQUEMADA:
What is a, “Telephone”?
DA VINCI:
It’s ‘a technical, but it allow’a two people to talk’a to eachother when they is a long’a way separated. Listen, you wann’a talk’a to il Papa? He sorta dis out in a jiffy.
TORQUEMADA:
How?
DA VINCI:
Look, you just gott’a put’a this cup next your ear and’a crank’a this ‘andle, capiche?
(whirring sound and distant tinkling bell)
DA VINCI:
You gott’a keep’a the string tight!
TORQUEMADA:
Your Holiness, is that you?
(pause)
This is Thomas de Torquemada, I’m at Da Vinci’s house….
(pause)
Yes of course, you’d know that….
(pause)
What do you mean, what am I doing there?
(pause)
But I thought you’d want him put to the question…
(pause)
You changed your mind?
(pause)
Ok, ok, I get the message…
(pause)
I never expected to hear language like that from your Holiness…
(pause)
He wants to talk to you…
DA VINCI:
Hey, Papa, how’a you doing?
(pause)
Tha’ssa good to hear, Papa…
(pause)
Ok, I tell him… Bye, Papa.
(clicking sounds)
Hey, Thomas. He say you should’a go home now and’a stop hassling good Catholics. I show you out...
(sounds of people walking, door opening)
DA VINCI:
Safe journey, Thomas, but’a don’t’a feel you need’a to keep in touch, OK…
(door closes, approaching footsteps)
What a jerk!
(Ends)
Well, I’ll tell you.
Leonardo was interrogated by the Grand Inquisitor, Thomas de Torquemada, circa 1492 and the entire interview was secretly recorded by Leonardo for the purposes of ensuring that he had an accurate record of the proceedings. This was in case he needed to defend himself against accusations of ungodly practices and heresy. He seems to have completely overlooked the fact that the very existence of the recording would probably have earned him the condemnation of the church on the grounds of practicing sorcery. Fortunately it never came to that during his lifetime. But the recording and the equipment used to make it, including all the notes and designs, were seized by the Inquisition on Leonardo’s death. They have remained safely under lock and key in the deepest vaults of the Vatican – until now.
By virtue of vast personal expense, and a certain degree of skulduggery, I have obtained a transcript of the conversation and having translated it, my pleasure is to make it public, for the first time ever.
DA VINCI:
This'a bloody thing had'a betta work…
(sounds of footsteps and distant banging as if someone is using a sword hilt on a door)
DA VINCI:
Ok, ok, I’m a coming! Keep’a your hair on.
(sounds of door being unlocked and opened)
DA VINCI:
Who are you and wadd’a you want’a with me, eh?
TORQUEMADA:
I am Thomas de Torquemda, Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition!
DA VINCI:
Oh, I been’a expecting you…
TORQUEMADA:
Expecting me? Impossible! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
DA VINCI:
Well I did. You’ ad’a betta come in.
(sounds of approaching footsteps and chairs being moved around.)
TORQUEMADA:
How could you possibly be expecting me?
DA VINCI:
Well I am’a de genius, everyone, they know it.
TORQUEMADA:
I don’t.
DA VINCI:
Why don’t’a this’a surprise me…Why donn’a you sid’down, your eminence.
(creaking sounds)
TORQUEMADA:
Who said you could sit?
DA VINCI:
This is’a my house and I a sit if I wanna to.
TORQUEMADA:
Don’t get fresh with me, sonny, or I’ll have you roasting on a spit before you can say Medici!
DA VINCI:
Lighten up, your eminence, this ain’ta Spain.
TORQUEMADA:
I am charged by his Holiness to seek out the godless and heretical wherever they may be.
DA VINCI:
What’a make’a you think’a you find them here?
TORQUEMADA:
His Holiness demands that I put you to the question…
DA VINCI:
Look, if’a de Papa wanna ask’a me something, all’a he got to do is ask’a me himself. He could’a give me a call onn’a the telephone I make’a for ‘im.
TORQUEMADA:
What is a, “Telephone”?
DA VINCI:
It’s ‘a technical, but it allow’a two people to talk’a to eachother when they is a long’a way separated. Listen, you wann’a talk’a to il Papa? He sorta dis out in a jiffy.
TORQUEMADA:
How?
DA VINCI:
Look, you just gott’a put’a this cup next your ear and’a crank’a this ‘andle, capiche?
(whirring sound and distant tinkling bell)
DA VINCI:
You gott’a keep’a the string tight!
TORQUEMADA:
Your Holiness, is that you?
(pause)
This is Thomas de Torquemada, I’m at Da Vinci’s house….
(pause)
Yes of course, you’d know that….
(pause)
What do you mean, what am I doing there?
(pause)
But I thought you’d want him put to the question…
(pause)
You changed your mind?
(pause)
Ok, ok, I get the message…
(pause)
I never expected to hear language like that from your Holiness…
(pause)
He wants to talk to you…
DA VINCI:
Hey, Papa, how’a you doing?
(pause)
Tha’ssa good to hear, Papa…
(pause)
Ok, I tell him… Bye, Papa.
(clicking sounds)
Hey, Thomas. He say you should’a go home now and’a stop hassling good Catholics. I show you out...
(sounds of people walking, door opening)
DA VINCI:
Safe journey, Thomas, but’a don’t’a feel you need’a to keep in touch, OK…
(door closes, approaching footsteps)
What a jerk!
(Ends)