solvo101
11-07-2010, 06:29 PM
I'm writing this short story for my class. I've never written a story before and I need some help with how to conclude this. First off, I want to know how believeable this scenario is. What I mean is, does this story make sence and could it really happen? Any criticsim will be appreciated. I expect a lot of it becuase I don't think this story came out very good.
NOTE: Realize that I have not finished it (it will end abruptly). I am getting close to the page limit on the story so I need to rap it up fast, I just don't know how I should. Also, it probably gets progressively worse as it goes on because I havn't reviewed any of the later stuff yet.
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Powdered
“So, how long has it been?” Riley Freeman asked.
“Erm well, I guess it’s probably been somewhat close to a year now since they fired me. I’ve been on that park bench for about a month n’ a half,” Ed said as he rested his head back and steadily began falling asleep in the passenger side of Riley’s car. Riley looked over at the bulky man. Ed was very unkempt, with matted brown hair and a full beard. He was wearing a tan jacket and a plaid shirt underneath with worn blue jeans and old sneakers. All of it was dirty or ripped somewhere. Riley couldn’t help but crinkle his nose at the stench emanating off of Ed when he first entered the car, but luckily he can’t seem to recognize it now.
“Why did they fire you?”
“Let’s... not go there.”
“A-alright,” Riley stopped for a moment and questioned his decision to help Ed. The classic rule that all mothers tell their children popped into his head: Never talk to strangers. “Well good god, I mean, how exactly did you plan to make it through the winter on that bench?”
After a long pause, Riley looked over at the 30 year old man and figured he had fallen asleep. “I didn’t,” Ed replied in a slow raspy voice. The rest of the car ride was silent.
The full moon was high when they arrived at Riley’s town house. The upkeep of the house was not to the standards Riley would have liked and without a motivator, like a family for instance, it would stay that way. Riley knew that the appearance of the house would not make the slightest difference to Ed, but he liked to believe that the house did not represent him. He was a fairly good looking 28 year old Caucasian with short black hair who took the time to groom himself every day in an attempt to make himself noticeable to the world.
“Nice place man,” Ed said.
“T-thanks, I guess.”
Riley held the front door open to Ed who walked right in and stood in the entrance to take in the glow of being in a house, with a roof and even a bed, once more.
“I think you should take a shower while I make us some food, ok?” Riley said. He couldn’t pinpoint it but something about Ed was reassuring. It might have been the way he looked so helpless and neglected on the bench, shivering under the news from a week ago. That, and now that someone else was here with him, he would have someone to keep him sane until his life turned around. All he knew was that he could trust him and maybe, find a friend out of it. There was no way someone like Ed would leave in the middle of the night with everything he owned.
“Sounds fantastic,” Ed said with a grin that told Riley all he would have needed was a hose in the back yard to be happy. The hot shower completely rejuvenated Ed. He entered the kitchen wearing some old clothes of Riley’s he said he could wear— they barely fit. Riley had two hamburgers prepared in the kitchen for the two of them. Ed ate fast. He was still hungry but regrettably, he realized that the one hamburger was all he made for him. He then began to realize just where he was. He looked around the room, the kitchen was surrounded with old, peeling wallpaper, a fridge that was rusting around the base, the floor tiles were discolored, no doubt from exposure to excess moisture. The man was not incredibly better off than him, and yet here he is, eating a burger in his house.
“Riley was it?”
“Yeah.”
“I-I want to say I really, really appreciate all this.”
“Don’t sweat it.”
“I just want ya to know what you have done for me here. And I want ya to know I will make it up to ya, somehow. Ed reached across the table and grabbed Riley’s arm and stared at him with the most sincere face of appreciation. Riley pulled his arm away.
“No, no, please don’t worry about it, you’re fine. I-I like having the company. I wouldn’t ask anything from you, knowing what you’ve been through.
The next day while Riley was at work, Ed took the liberty of exploring the property. Everything was either old or broken. The TV in the living room was a small black and white analog box that sat across from a flower-printed couch with tears on nearly every cushion and on the base structure. The house itself had a dank smell and inadequate lighting due to some dead light bulbs that were being neglected. Ed found a door that stood in between the connection of the kitchen and the living room. Upon opening it, Ed realized that this was the basement. The dank smell seemed to proliferate down there. Ed switched the light on, and slowly descended the wooden stairs that creaked loudly with every step. The basement was obviously unfinished. Surprisingly to Ed, there was not much down there. It was open in that there were a few boxes underneath the stairs, but the room itself was bare aside for a water heater in the far corner, and a work bench on the wall on the far side from the stairs.
Over the course of a week, the two men began to enjoy each others company and grow close as friends. The mundane work day became less so for Riley when he returned to the house to converse with Ed about anything and everything, share a meal, and stay up late having drinks and dreaming about how both of their lives are going to change for the better. Ed pulled his weight around the house by cleaning up after himself, doing his own laundry, and making dinner some nights.
On Friday, Ed entered the kitchen to find Riley sitting at the kitchen table, elbows resting on the table, both hands covering his face. On the table was a collection of torn mail and papers strewn everywhere.
“I ****ing screwed up,” Riley looked up at Ed, a distraught look on his face.
Ed examined the papers and found them to be a collection of bills. Some were quite enormous. Ed took the statement to mean that Riley screwed up when he let him into the house. He turned and left without saying a word.
Four days later, Riley returned from work to find Ed waiting at the entrance to the kitchen. “Come downstairs for a sec,” Ed said.
“What for?”
“Just do it.”
Ed led Riley down the stairs and turned on the light. In the once barren basement now sat rows of tables containing beakers, buckets filled with unknown liquids, and jars filled with various substances. There were also tubes connecting the various components of the lab.
“What the hell is this?” Riley exclaimed. He was amazed as to how Ed possibly managed to get all of this in his basement in the first place.
“Well, it’s what ya probably think it is.” Ed pulled out a bag filled with a white powder from his pocket and showed it to Riley. Completely dumbfounded, Riley backed up towards the stairs and staggered himself on them.
“What the **** man? Just what the hell were you thinking?” Riley exclaimed.
“Ya need some extra cash right?” Ed pulled out a large bundle of bills from his pocket and handed it to Riley. “This is how I’m paying ya back for everything.”
“I thought I said you were fine. You don’t have to pay me back.” Riley started pacing back and forth. “Do you have any idea what this could do to me? Obviously you can’t go lower then you already are but I—I have a future you son of a *****. This will ruin me. Oh god and you already sold some of it too.” Riley’s panicked mood began to anger Ed, who thought of this as an extremely kind gesture.
“Well how exactly did ya plan to pay our bills smart guy? Why aren’t you happy? I’m pushing our lives forward here.”
“I was working on setting you up with a part-time job at the store with me, but I see now that your level of sanity would not permit that to happen.”
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NOTE: I am not at all familiar with drugs and meth labs so the description I give about it is probably wrong.
Thanks for reading!:seeya:
NOTE: Realize that I have not finished it (it will end abruptly). I am getting close to the page limit on the story so I need to rap it up fast, I just don't know how I should. Also, it probably gets progressively worse as it goes on because I havn't reviewed any of the later stuff yet.
--------------------------------------------------------
Powdered
“So, how long has it been?” Riley Freeman asked.
“Erm well, I guess it’s probably been somewhat close to a year now since they fired me. I’ve been on that park bench for about a month n’ a half,” Ed said as he rested his head back and steadily began falling asleep in the passenger side of Riley’s car. Riley looked over at the bulky man. Ed was very unkempt, with matted brown hair and a full beard. He was wearing a tan jacket and a plaid shirt underneath with worn blue jeans and old sneakers. All of it was dirty or ripped somewhere. Riley couldn’t help but crinkle his nose at the stench emanating off of Ed when he first entered the car, but luckily he can’t seem to recognize it now.
“Why did they fire you?”
“Let’s... not go there.”
“A-alright,” Riley stopped for a moment and questioned his decision to help Ed. The classic rule that all mothers tell their children popped into his head: Never talk to strangers. “Well good god, I mean, how exactly did you plan to make it through the winter on that bench?”
After a long pause, Riley looked over at the 30 year old man and figured he had fallen asleep. “I didn’t,” Ed replied in a slow raspy voice. The rest of the car ride was silent.
The full moon was high when they arrived at Riley’s town house. The upkeep of the house was not to the standards Riley would have liked and without a motivator, like a family for instance, it would stay that way. Riley knew that the appearance of the house would not make the slightest difference to Ed, but he liked to believe that the house did not represent him. He was a fairly good looking 28 year old Caucasian with short black hair who took the time to groom himself every day in an attempt to make himself noticeable to the world.
“Nice place man,” Ed said.
“T-thanks, I guess.”
Riley held the front door open to Ed who walked right in and stood in the entrance to take in the glow of being in a house, with a roof and even a bed, once more.
“I think you should take a shower while I make us some food, ok?” Riley said. He couldn’t pinpoint it but something about Ed was reassuring. It might have been the way he looked so helpless and neglected on the bench, shivering under the news from a week ago. That, and now that someone else was here with him, he would have someone to keep him sane until his life turned around. All he knew was that he could trust him and maybe, find a friend out of it. There was no way someone like Ed would leave in the middle of the night with everything he owned.
“Sounds fantastic,” Ed said with a grin that told Riley all he would have needed was a hose in the back yard to be happy. The hot shower completely rejuvenated Ed. He entered the kitchen wearing some old clothes of Riley’s he said he could wear— they barely fit. Riley had two hamburgers prepared in the kitchen for the two of them. Ed ate fast. He was still hungry but regrettably, he realized that the one hamburger was all he made for him. He then began to realize just where he was. He looked around the room, the kitchen was surrounded with old, peeling wallpaper, a fridge that was rusting around the base, the floor tiles were discolored, no doubt from exposure to excess moisture. The man was not incredibly better off than him, and yet here he is, eating a burger in his house.
“Riley was it?”
“Yeah.”
“I-I want to say I really, really appreciate all this.”
“Don’t sweat it.”
“I just want ya to know what you have done for me here. And I want ya to know I will make it up to ya, somehow. Ed reached across the table and grabbed Riley’s arm and stared at him with the most sincere face of appreciation. Riley pulled his arm away.
“No, no, please don’t worry about it, you’re fine. I-I like having the company. I wouldn’t ask anything from you, knowing what you’ve been through.
The next day while Riley was at work, Ed took the liberty of exploring the property. Everything was either old or broken. The TV in the living room was a small black and white analog box that sat across from a flower-printed couch with tears on nearly every cushion and on the base structure. The house itself had a dank smell and inadequate lighting due to some dead light bulbs that were being neglected. Ed found a door that stood in between the connection of the kitchen and the living room. Upon opening it, Ed realized that this was the basement. The dank smell seemed to proliferate down there. Ed switched the light on, and slowly descended the wooden stairs that creaked loudly with every step. The basement was obviously unfinished. Surprisingly to Ed, there was not much down there. It was open in that there were a few boxes underneath the stairs, but the room itself was bare aside for a water heater in the far corner, and a work bench on the wall on the far side from the stairs.
Over the course of a week, the two men began to enjoy each others company and grow close as friends. The mundane work day became less so for Riley when he returned to the house to converse with Ed about anything and everything, share a meal, and stay up late having drinks and dreaming about how both of their lives are going to change for the better. Ed pulled his weight around the house by cleaning up after himself, doing his own laundry, and making dinner some nights.
On Friday, Ed entered the kitchen to find Riley sitting at the kitchen table, elbows resting on the table, both hands covering his face. On the table was a collection of torn mail and papers strewn everywhere.
“I ****ing screwed up,” Riley looked up at Ed, a distraught look on his face.
Ed examined the papers and found them to be a collection of bills. Some were quite enormous. Ed took the statement to mean that Riley screwed up when he let him into the house. He turned and left without saying a word.
Four days later, Riley returned from work to find Ed waiting at the entrance to the kitchen. “Come downstairs for a sec,” Ed said.
“What for?”
“Just do it.”
Ed led Riley down the stairs and turned on the light. In the once barren basement now sat rows of tables containing beakers, buckets filled with unknown liquids, and jars filled with various substances. There were also tubes connecting the various components of the lab.
“What the hell is this?” Riley exclaimed. He was amazed as to how Ed possibly managed to get all of this in his basement in the first place.
“Well, it’s what ya probably think it is.” Ed pulled out a bag filled with a white powder from his pocket and showed it to Riley. Completely dumbfounded, Riley backed up towards the stairs and staggered himself on them.
“What the **** man? Just what the hell were you thinking?” Riley exclaimed.
“Ya need some extra cash right?” Ed pulled out a large bundle of bills from his pocket and handed it to Riley. “This is how I’m paying ya back for everything.”
“I thought I said you were fine. You don’t have to pay me back.” Riley started pacing back and forth. “Do you have any idea what this could do to me? Obviously you can’t go lower then you already are but I—I have a future you son of a *****. This will ruin me. Oh god and you already sold some of it too.” Riley’s panicked mood began to anger Ed, who thought of this as an extremely kind gesture.
“Well how exactly did ya plan to pay our bills smart guy? Why aren’t you happy? I’m pushing our lives forward here.”
“I was working on setting you up with a part-time job at the store with me, but I see now that your level of sanity would not permit that to happen.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: I am not at all familiar with drugs and meth labs so the description I give about it is probably wrong.
Thanks for reading!:seeya: