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icecold151
11-07-2010, 07:40 AM
When I was 15 I realized how important Remembrance Day is and how I feel on that day. I’m now currently 21 and in Afghanistan fighting a war that no one will win. I am in a unit called Task Force Delta and we are one of the most secret and elite special forces in the world. We are a branch of the Canadian military. It’s a fun job, we do stuff that no one knows about and that was something i always wanted to do. My first mission was in Afghanistan to be more specific Kandahar and there was a high ranking Taliban official going to go meet with an Al-Queda official. Intel believes that the al-queda official could be Osama Bin Ladin and that is news to everyone who knows about it hears. We are taking three old and really worn down cars to the meeting spot and we observe the meeting. I see three guys in turbans walk away from another car just a little down the road and they continue to the city square. From the opposite direction I see three other guys in turbans and now I know this is where the meeting is going down. I radio in to the rest of the cars and let them know because I’m in the lead car so I have a better view. I load my C7 rifle and get ready to hop out of the car and initiate a takedown. As I reach for the door handle, Out of the corner of my eye a guy with his hand on which seems to be a button and is slowly walking towards the square. I take a quick look back at the meeting and notice that none of them are Osama Bin Ladin. I order the take down and send car 2 to go deal with the odd and suspicious looking guy. Within minutes we have the six men in custody but for the suspicious guy he continues to move despite repeated warnings from my sergeant and as the three soldiers approach him he blows himself up and now we are stuck in the middle of an ambush. Enemy fire rains down from every direction and I make the quick decision to grab the six and head for a nearby building. Even though I’m not in control I decided to step in and take command after the sergeant died. Once we get in the building we find a safe place to store the hostages. We find a wine cellar and throw them in there and lock it. There is about six of us left and we set a perimeter inside the building which just happens to be a church. One good thing for us is that there is easy access to the bell tower and we have a sniper with us. I recommend that he heads up there and does it without any questions asked. I get on our radio and call for reinforcements and a attack chopper. The chopper arrives within a few minutes and the infantry i called for is no were in sight. So I radio back and request an ETA on the infantry and all I hear is static. The radio is broken and to make matters worse the attack helicopter is firing on us and we have no way to let him know that there are friendly’s in here. I ask anybody for green smoke and of course the dumbass one of the group has one so i take it from him and pass it up to the guy in the bell tower. He pops it and holds it up so the helicopter can see and its at that point the helicopter realizes that he was firing on a friendly base. Without any way to contact him he doesn’t know where to shoot so he falls back. I take a peek out the large church doors and the Taliban is rushing the church. I call up to the guy in the bell tower without an answer from him i climb up there and realize that the bell tower is gone. Looks like the Taliban destroyed it. Next thing you know the door bursts open and Taliban soldiers start coming in and we take care of them pretty fast. Three hours later another wave of them come and we kill those guys to. I realize that they have no reason to live so soon there might be a suicide bomber and that would suck. In between waves i try to fix the radio and after the fifth one i get through and ask for reinforcements and literally withing minutes the square is covered in American, british, and Canadian troops. They take the hostages and throw them in a Humvee and take off back to Kandahar airfield. As i walk outside the church and see the three bodies from car 2 being taken away well what’s left of them anyway. We get back in our cars and drive back to base and settle for a little R&R. If thats only my fist mission the next ones are going to be even more challenging.

hillwalker
11-07-2010, 08:22 AM
I must say I found this difficult to take seriously. It should be much more exciting to read than it is. The 'plot' is too ridiculously far-fetched for words, and unfortunately you don't even tell us a story. You just reel off a list of events where everything has the same total lack of intensity.


Next thing you know the door bursts open and Taliban soldiers start coming in and we take care of them pretty fast. Three hours later another wave of them come and we kill those guys to. I realize that they have no reason to live so soon there might be a suicide bomber and that would suck. In between waves i try to fix the radio and after the fifth one i get through and ask for reinforcements and literally withing minutes the square is covered in American, british, and Canadian troops. They take the hostages and throw them in a Humvee and take off back to Kandahar airfield. As i walk outside the church and see the three bodies from car 2 being taken away well what’s left of them anyway. We get back in our cars and drive back to base and settle for a little R&R. If thats only my fist mission the next ones are going to be even more challenging.

This bit in particular is so bland that you could have been describing a Saturday morning at the mall. Expressions like 'we take care of them pretty fast' and 'there might be a suicide bomber and that would suck' reminds me of someone equating war with a computer game. It is totally devoid of tension, passion, terror and any other emotions related to the front line.

As for your reference to Remembrance Day. Pretty poor taste when you dump a crass tale like this on us.

It might be helpful also if you split this into shorter paragraphs to make for easier reading on-screen.

H

Steven Hunley
11-07-2010, 07:44 PM
Next thing you know the door bursts open and Taliban soldiers start coming in and we take care of them pretty fast. Three hours later another wave of them come and we kill those guys to. I realize that they have no reason to live so soon there might be a suicide bomber and that would suck. In between waves i try to fix the radio and after the fifth one i get through and ask for reinforcements and literally withing minutes the square is covered in American, british, and Canadian troops. They take the hostages and throw them in a Humvee and take off back to Kandahar airfield. As i walk outside the church and see the three bodies from car 2 being taken away well what’s left of them anyway. We get back in our cars and drive back to base and settle for a little R&R. If thats only my fist mission the next ones are going to be even more challenging.

Number one this paragraph is too long. The eye gets lost in it too easily. The number of mistakes are considerable. You capitalize I in one case but not in another. Instead of "within" you have" withing", American and Canadian troops are capitalized, but not british. Some parts need punctuation. And that's in just one third or less of this "story" A story is more than a collection of events. Try printing this out on paper, or having someone else read it. That will help you notice the mistakes. Writing is not all you need to do.You need to revise and re-write.You show enthusiasm, but sometimes it's not enough. Keep working. Writer's aren't made in a day.

YesNo
11-07-2010, 08:01 PM
I agree with hillwalker and Steven Hunley that the paragraph is too long.