“One chance, one wish”

[Revolte]

**dunno if I can even call this a poem, I just tried to structure it a little, really just needed to vent.**

I'll be happiest when I don't have to feel anything anymore,
when I can fall asleep beside the bottles on the floor,
and forget that, I've been hurt
and stabbed, and lied to,
and used by everyone I love,
for I am nothing
and nothing hurts,
more then anything,
anything at all,
I wish I could sleep forever,
and wake up only to fall back in bed.

[Hawkman]

Actually Revolte I don't think it's bad as a poem, but think about the line breaks and punctuation. Hope the venting made you feel better...

Best, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's a poem as far as I'm concerned and contrary to Hawkman, I felt that the line-breaks kind of dictated themselves and worked just fine.

[hillwalker]

Yes, this is a poem no doubt - and well-written. But the glut of commas tends to confuse the message (not required end of L2, middle of L3 or end of L6).

H

[Scheherazade]

I will echo the comments above; punctuation is taking away from this poem, making it clumsy to read at places (also, "then" should be "than"). The ending can be worded better as well, I think.

How does it work like this?

I'll be happiest when I don't have to feel anything anymore,
when I can fall asleep beside the bottles on the floor
and forget that I've been hurt,
stabbed, lied to
and used by everyone I love.
For I am nothing
and nothing hurts,
more than anything,
anything at all.
I wish I could sleep forever
and wake up only to fall back in bed.

I think you have got a good poem here, Revolt. I hope you come back and review it again sometime.

[Haunted]

I like this a lot, the venting and the darkness. It's direct and throws a lot of punches and yes it is a poem.

[Delta40]

I'll be happiest when
I don't have to feel anything anymore,
when I can fall asleep
beside the bottles on the floor.
Forget that I've been hurt,
stabbed, lied to;
Used by everyone I love.
For I am nothing
and nothing hurts,
more than anything,
anything at all.
I wish I could sleep forever
and wake up only to fall back in bed.
.

perhaps this is better with a touch of suspense. pain is apparent in your writing.

[Scheherazade]

perhaps this is better with a touch of suspense. pain is apparent in your writing.What Delta said!

:hat: