Biggus
11-07-2010, 04:40 AM
UNDER ACHIEVING
Gillian finished her first week at school
And had a very unhappy look on her face
She said to her mum who was showing concern
“I’m just wasting my time at that place”
Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”
Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk
“Well mother I can't read and I can't write,
And then they won't even let me talk!'
TWIN DELIGHT
My friend has got a new girlfriend
And he’s sleeping with her and her twin
I asked how he could tell them apart
He said her brother has stubble on his chin
ROMANTIC GESTURE
My wife told me to be more romantic
And to book a table for Valentines Day
When we arrived at the snooker hall
I can tell you there was all hell to pay
THE DAWN OF UNDERSTANDING
Dawn was a Glaswegian lassie
With the broadest accent
Which made it difficult when she spoke
To understand what was meant
This was exacerbated
By a lisp and a stutter
And because she didn’t open her mouth very wide
She had a tendency to mutter
As a result I couldn’t understand her
Apart from when she said yes or no
But despite all of that
We went out for three months or so
THE TOM TOM BLUES
I want to get a Tom Tom
Or any make of Satnav
But my lady wife won’t hear of it
Not all the time I have
Her to map read for me
And give me vague directions
Saying left instead of right
At all the intersections
But it’s always my fault
When we take another detour
Though it’s her not paying attention
I don’t want to do this anymore
For she doesn’t really map read
She only reads her women’s mag
But that’s what I’m stuck with
A fifty year old sat nag
WEDDING VOW
When to my wife I was wed
My father-in-law to me said
I will give you ten acres and a cow
I’ve waited for the land for 10 years now
WRINKLE FREE
I have discovered a great way
To get wrinkle free skin
I just eat as much as I want
And the fat fills them in
SCANNING THE ROOM
A rather tall, elegant woman
Entered the room
And made a quick appraisal
Of those in her presence
The look she gave my way
Needed no vocalization
She had no need to say “ugh”
The look made redundant
Any need of an exclamation of disgust
The haughty expression
And the inclination of her head,
The involuntary sneer
Spoke volumes as to her disposition
Which was fine by me
Because I liked the look of her mate
CATWALK STRUT
She strutted down the catwalk
In an outfit to make the critics talk
It was called simply “Iridescence”
And had a lustrous, brilliant appearance
Her outfit was called the wonder of the age
I think I’d prefer something in beige
Gillian finished her first week at school
And had a very unhappy look on her face
She said to her mum who was showing concern
“I’m just wasting my time at that place”
Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”
Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk
“Well mother I can't read and I can't write,
And then they won't even let me talk!'
TWIN DELIGHT
My friend has got a new girlfriend
And he’s sleeping with her and her twin
I asked how he could tell them apart
He said her brother has stubble on his chin
ROMANTIC GESTURE
My wife told me to be more romantic
And to book a table for Valentines Day
When we arrived at the snooker hall
I can tell you there was all hell to pay
THE DAWN OF UNDERSTANDING
Dawn was a Glaswegian lassie
With the broadest accent
Which made it difficult when she spoke
To understand what was meant
This was exacerbated
By a lisp and a stutter
And because she didn’t open her mouth very wide
She had a tendency to mutter
As a result I couldn’t understand her
Apart from when she said yes or no
But despite all of that
We went out for three months or so
THE TOM TOM BLUES
I want to get a Tom Tom
Or any make of Satnav
But my lady wife won’t hear of it
Not all the time I have
Her to map read for me
And give me vague directions
Saying left instead of right
At all the intersections
But it’s always my fault
When we take another detour
Though it’s her not paying attention
I don’t want to do this anymore
For she doesn’t really map read
She only reads her women’s mag
But that’s what I’m stuck with
A fifty year old sat nag
WEDDING VOW
When to my wife I was wed
My father-in-law to me said
I will give you ten acres and a cow
I’ve waited for the land for 10 years now
WRINKLE FREE
I have discovered a great way
To get wrinkle free skin
I just eat as much as I want
And the fat fills them in
SCANNING THE ROOM
A rather tall, elegant woman
Entered the room
And made a quick appraisal
Of those in her presence
The look she gave my way
Needed no vocalization
She had no need to say “ugh”
The look made redundant
Any need of an exclamation of disgust
The haughty expression
And the inclination of her head,
The involuntary sneer
Spoke volumes as to her disposition
Which was fine by me
Because I liked the look of her mate
CATWALK STRUT
She strutted down the catwalk
In an outfit to make the critics talk
It was called simply “Iridescence”
And had a lustrous, brilliant appearance
Her outfit was called the wonder of the age
I think I’d prefer something in beige