The Slab.

[zoolane]

The Slab.

It began with slab and with a body of young boy on it. Hes hair is ginger. Five freckles stood on either cheek. The candy pale pink is hes lips. Ice blue eyes hide behind the now white as sheets lids. The morgue is like a freeze but with stern, small areas of cleanest and mess. The stitches goes down hes tors co and across the chest.

Here I lay on silver, steel table. I wish had blanket. My body had being drained of blood and fluids. My inners have half in masses. The decade that was my life has being washed away. All my wrong doing has my forgiveness. Which my soul is now new again with my death. Being dead is woke me from deep sleep. From not being anyone robot or toy.

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[hillwalker]

That second paragraph is frankly scary. You have a talent for portraying the darker side in the most calm laguage imaginable.

H

[Haunted]

Give me chills zoo. A scene of death coming to live. Vivid writing. You're right, I see the similarity between this and Jane. Now this inspired me to write another poem. Stay tuned...

[Delta40]

Your unique use of the english language in certain contexts is so aptly chilling Zoo. Where is my blanket....

[Steven Hunley]

It began with slab and with a body of young boy on it. Hes hair is ginger. Five freckles stood on either cheek. The candy pale pink is hes lips. Ice blue eyes hide behind the now white as sheets lids. The morgue is like a freeze but with stern, small areas of cleanest and mess. The stitches goes down hes tors co and across the chest.

First sentence is good. then try: His hair is ginger. Or even better "His hair is gingered." Candy pale pink are his lips. (try "are" lips is a plural word)


Ice blue hides behind the now white as sheets lids is just fine!

The morgue is a freezer but with stern (maybe severe?) not quite sure what you mean by stern but I like it--small areas both clean and messy.

The stitches trial up his torso one by one and then cross his chest. Or try "the stitches track across his chest then down his torso with rhythmic precision"

You write well, and have the right ideas, but to be truthful your English needs help. I'm sure with study you can fix this with time. It's only a technical problem. As for wanting to tell stories you already have that ability.

[zoolane]

Thank you for Steven for reply and your ideas on starting of 1st paragraph.
I am current re-studying for GCSE English and just be told that I have characteristic of dyslexia. I hope try re-write 'The Slab' just wrote poem how hes end up on the slab.


The morgue is a freezer but with stern (maybe severe?) not quite sure what you mean by stern but I like it--small areas both clean and messy.

Stern is suggest medical term. Example hospital stern look clodest about place or old hospitals used.


Superman.

Inside out on the ground he lays.
With hes with faded black jeans.
Torn away from fragile body.
Superman hero next to a Air Nike trainer.
Black track imprinted on he's plain white t-shirt.

A finger twitch slightly.
Hand slow grab superman.
In hope that he will save him.

Ice blue eyes are blinded be great glow.
He closes he eyes just for second.
He try let enormous scream.
But only tiny squeak come out.
Superman fall out of he hand.