Hurtsong

[Jack of Hearts]

When the dreams you choke-fed
have all fled you
and sting like the waves smacking shore
Come lay on the earth at my feet babe
broke as a two dollar whore

All the movie stars sneer in their garden
Chewing the milk in their tea
Crawl for the earth near my feet babe
Hurt for that last sip of me

Should the tear jockey run all her races
and my pride sick from a poisonous wine
We'll fall on the earth to our knees babe
Wrecked from the lives that we've tried

[Delta40]

I like the rhythm of this Jack and its songlike quality.

Hurt for that last sip of me. very intriguing.

[Scheherazade]

Another intriguing poem, Jack, and I agree with Delta that it has a good song-like quality to it (hence the title, I guess :p); quite enjoy it (last two lines are my favorites).

Just wondering whether the first line should be as it is ("When the dreams you choke-fed") or say "When the dreams you were choke-fed"?

[Haunted]

So full of angst. The opening lines "When the dreams you choke-fed / have all fled you" are gripping and the sense of hurt is felt throughout the poem. Very well done.

[drago]

I enjoyed this. I also like the clash between modernism and classical reference - though I am uncertain if it were intentional. In my mind, I pictured someone such as Dorian Gray or the like.

[YesNo]

I'm not sure if I followed all of this, but I liked the sound and the repetition throughout. And the line:

broke as a two dollar whore

When I was younger I might hear "two bit whore" where two "bits" were a quarter. I'm not old enough that I ever saw a one bit coin, but I assume they must have existed. But "dollar" has the needed extra syllable and things have inflated quite a bit since then. In those good old days you could buy a pack of Marlboros or a gallon of gas for about a quarter.

I had a neighbor at the time who told me a story of his own younger days when he caught his girlfriend with another guy in bed, or so he said. Rather than getting mad, he took a quarter out of his pocket and placed it on the table and told the couple, who were shocked to see him, "This one's on me."

[jajdude]

I liked it, but had Dylan's voice in mind while reading for some reason.

[solaris]

interesting write with a strong voice. some are hearing dylan, i'm tasting shades of lou reed crossed with johnny cash. either way it's distinctive and unforgiving. nicely done.

[Delta40]

....or are we all just influenced by his avatar???

[solaris]

....or are we all just influenced by his avatar???

avatars have a habit of influencing people's perceptions, but when it comes to my opinions about poetry an avatar might as well be invisible. i concern myself with words - the only images that interest me are those created by the writing.

[jajdude]

The festival was over..