The Conceited He

[Amylian]

Hey,

It's been a while; Thanks to work...!!!


The Conceited He
By
Ali Makki aka Amylian the Great


Blinded mine heart was the conceited He,
Unscrupulous and merciless, pity in him no more could be.
Divine Chasms, Oh scream within my soul thy sublime and awe,
Oh, what makes thee so hateful of snow?
Oh, what was it that keeps thee, from me, away,
Recall not mine name; Let me mourn not, and near me thou shall not lay,
Forever outcast,
Forever forgotten,
Forever lost...!!!


Regards,
Amylian the Great

[Amylian]

"Weary Afternoon”
By
Ali Makki aka Amylian the Great
4/11/2010
4:40 PM


Off I lead myself into
That dirty cage – circumambulating around
To earn my little pay.
The beatific azure fades,
And it leaves me alone with music and books.
Hurts, this worldly bite;
It stains my happiness with false pride
And torn to shreds my variegated will.

I still live,
And lament still,
The Wind of November hallows,
And torment flows,
But,
It whispers to me and time stops
In this white room:
“Ye shall live, ye shall lament,
Ye shall lament, ye shall die,
Ye shall die, ye shall have wings
To fly, before they kiss thee goodbye.”

No more can I hide,
And oh my humble visitor,
Know,
Know well that dreams never protect,
Dream what you want until dawn,
But when you awaken,
Spare me the details of your misery;
For I am but a busy entity,
For I am weary of this afternoon.

Regards,
Amylian the Great

[hillwalker]

Amylian the Great - not to be confused with Amylian the Mediocre presumably!

I liked the second poem best - there are some wonderfully lyrical lines here and it conveys a feeling of ennui very effectively.

A couple of (unintentional?) repetitions are rather awkward -

I still live,
And lament still,

and

circumambulating around

[since 'circumambulating' means walking around the 'around' is redundant]

Other than that it's an enjoyable read, and much more accessible than your first poem.

That one is written in such a convoluted way, partly to encompass the end rhymes, that it's a bit of a mess. The language is so pompous that I was unable to engage with any of it. It sounds Biblical in tone but there are too many 'Oh's - the overbearing style seems to have been used to impress rather than to help the reader figure out what it's about - indeed, some of the lines don't make any sense:

Blinded mine heart was [B]the conceited He [why He and not One?]

and

thy sublime [where's the noun?] and awe

Expressing yourself so the reader can understand some of what your poem suggests is as important as fancy words and rhyming. My advice would be to keep it a little simpler - simple sometimes = subtle.

H

[Amylian]

ohoho...!!! lol

Well, First, Thank you for your notifications; I shall utilize them carefully.

As you noted, yes, the first poem was in fact written to impress someone that I like. Since she's not aware of poetry and its devices and is more interesting in the sounds...!! So here she goes...lol

[why He and not One?]
This was to emphasize on the Gender...!!! I didn't want to make it ambigious and all...!!!

Thanks Hillwalker for your pointers...!!!