Hey Kid

[Jerrybaldy]

I see the boy with the black bobble hat,
mum knitted it for my birthday.
Walking endless pavements
passing warm shop windows.
I remember his itchy trousers
and the spine tingling pleasure
of freeing my legs at bedtime.
The rain glistens like silver sherbet
upon his sodden hat
and then he sees me.
'Hey, Kid'
I am in the gutter
beneath a wet brown drift of leaves,
green eyes peering out,
seen only by him.
I am drenched by muddy water,
sprayed by passing cars.
I see my young eyes stare back
and he sees an unfolding future
he would hate to understand.
I want to stay with him
but we turn away together.
I stare upwards, unblinking
to let raindrops wash my eyes.
He looks at mum
feels her warm wet loving hands
surround his frigid fingers.
They slide into the crowd
and I slide down the drain
with rotting leaves and water.

[Delta40]

I especially love the reference to the self in first and third person.

This felt like your rotting insides after a lifetime of life experiences, wounds, heartbreak, wisdom, insight and cycnism are there in the gutter to greet the child who has no idea of his own future.

I love how you slide down the drain with rotting leaves and water.

One of your best Jerry.

[Scheherazade]

It is a touching poem, Jerry, remembering the innocence we used to possess and how life's dealings leave us unable to regain that.

Like Delta, I also like the first/third person switches but I think it gets a little confusing at couple of places:

mum knitted it for my birthday - I don't think "it" is necessary here and "my" should be "his".

of freeing my legs at bedtime - Again "my" should be "his" because you refer to "his trousers" earlier in the same sentence?

I can understand that if it is because you still share a birthday and the legs so they are yours as much as his but I believe the distinction between "he" and "I" would be stronger and clearer if it were consistent.

Also, it might flow more easily if the full stop was replaced with a comma at the end of second line.

Would these lines read better if they were:

He looks at mum,
feels her warm wet loving hands
surrounding his frigid fingers.?

I sometimes find the ending of your poems a little rushed and somewhat lacking compared to their general body but I really like this ending. It sums up the poem nicely, bringing it up to a full completion assuredly.

[hillwalker]

One of your best Jer, and I for one understood why you kept changing from 'my' to 'his' and so on because it's the same person - you are merely describing yourself from two perspectives in time and it works very effectively as it is.

There are some very touching memories filled with regrets that the kack of foresight always generates. A great poem.

H

[Scheherazade]

One of your best Jer, and I for one understood why you kept changing from 'my' to 'his' and so on because it's the same person - you are merely describing yourself from two perspectives in time and it works very effectively as it is.I understand why Jerry made the switches and I am all for it as I mentioned in my earlier post. However, I think it should be consisted:

Childhood-self: he/his/him

Adult-self: I/my/me

And I don't think it works here:

I remember his itchy trousers
and the spine tingling pleasure
of freeing my legs at bedtime.

Assuming it is the child's legs that get free at bedtime, it should be "his legs".

And here:

I see the boy with the black bobble hat,
mum knitted it for my birthday.

It was the child-self that was given the hat on his birthday so, I feel, it should be "his birthday".

Having said this, I also pointed out in my earlier post that I understand that Jerry might have done this because the legs and birthday something they still have in common probably.

[PrinceMyshkin]

It took me a while to get the hang of the switches from 1st to 3rd person but once I did I even welcomed the places where it wasn't immediately crystal clear because, I assumed, it wasn't always clear to the "I" who was narrating this. there is another switch, of course, later on to when the first person becomes his projected future self and the sad judgment on what he expects to become knits all three of these together, sadly - very sadly.

One of your best, JerryB

[Haunted]

I have no problem with the shifting 1st and 3rd person, it's much like how our minds go back and forth during disassociative states.

the details of itchy trousers and sprayed by passing cars is very realistic. Love "rain glistens like silver sherbet", a glimpse of beauty in an otherwise dismal existence of one regressing to childhood and watching horridly their own life going down the drain. Very powerful piece of work.

I agree, one of your best Jer