MANICHAEAN
11-04-2010, 08:50 AM
Chapter 1:
Adolph Hitler was a man's man, but that morning as he woke up in the Wolf's Lair in the Bavarian mountains, he was distinctly conscious of being constipated.
Outside, it was as if a dark wing were stretched in the sky over all that lay below. The area seemed deep in shadow, brooding and with a chill in the mists that swirled in the surrounding valleys. Icy water moved like a beast of prey in the stream nearby, crying its birth-cry and rushing down. Above on the peaks there were thin slashes of snow.
He could not for the life of him understand? Unlike that gross figure Goering, who he had from timeto time seriously considered sending to Weight Watchers, he, Adolph was a vegetarian. Plenty of greens, bags of roughage. He should not be feeling like this.
"Why only yesterday" he thought, "He had been in fine form "Seig Heil'ing" all over the place and berating generals, walking his Alsatians, pouring over maps full of quaint little arrows & small plastic blocks representing panzer units that he could manoeuvre all over Europe, obliterating cities, enslaving populations. Deutschland growing, growing, growing until it could some day, perhaps in his lifetime, transcend the globe completely. Positively my last territorial demand!"
In the meantime he was constipated.
He sat on the cold wooden seat gently squeezing his gluteus maximus together, his trousers around his ankles and his Iron Cross dangling forward from his tunic. He leant at a forward angle in the hope of gaining further compression & focus in the nether regions.
"Gott in Himmel!" he pondered. "Yesterday, there I was thinking big & considering my very own Second Front. Invade South Africa on the pretext of liberating an indigenous ethnic German minority from persecution. And then, a bold pincer, (or was it an encirclement?) movement up through Africa to catch Montgomery's 8th Army in the rear".
"Thinking outside the box. That had always been his forte. Get the big picture & leave all the details to the rest of his motley Nazi crew: Himmler the former chicken farmer, Goebbels with his limp & languid eyes, Generals von Dis and Generals von Dat".
"But that was yesterday. Now here he was, the leader of a Greater Germany, constipated!"
"Perhaps its nerves?" he thought. "And it wasn't helped any by that bloody mistress I took. I could not marry, as I had my destiny to fulfil, but at the same time I didn't want the SS thinking I was gay. Not good for the image. Lose my street cred. But how could you deal with a woman like that. Obtuse, inane conversations about all kinds of nonsense that went round in circles".
It affected him with instantaneous disgust when anybody wanted to share emotions with him. He did not adore Eva Braun. The idea was to be adored.
"You never tell me you love me," she had started with.
"I have to consider the future of the Fatherland," he replied.
The gauntlet thrown down, the glove retrieved.
"So you put the Fatherland before me?"
"I didn't say that".
"Well, you implied it. You don't care for me. Mutti was right, she said you were no good".
"I did not imply anything & kindly don't bring your mother into this. My meaning was perfectly clear and my resolve is unshakable" he said.
In the meantime Adolph made a subsidiary resolve to have Himmler read dear "Mutti's" horoscope & see if she could be relocated, perhaps somewhere more suitable. He knew such places existed.
"You never take me anywhere", Eva Braun resumed. "You're ashamed of me".
"I have to be discreet" replied Hitler.
"Oh" she retorted. "But its ok for you to go round to all those rallies, eying up the frauleins with the blue eyes & big boobies and looking down their cleavages! I've seen you on those news reels. You don't fool me".
"You don't understand" said the Fuhrer in heat. "I'm encouraging and giving executive support for a new superior Aryan breed of super humans".
"Hah. That's your story. You never show me that kind of attention. You're just using me. Mutti was right. You area Dum Kopf!"
By now Adolph was starting to lose his cool. His voice rose to a shriek, his eyes popped & sweat appeared on his brow below the well known rat's tail hair. He was now definitively resolved that "Mutti", the percieved catalyst for this entire charade, had qualified with full marks for "special treatment" once he had calmed down. For calm down he must. He could not keep replacing the carpets at Berchtesgaden that he chewed when at the height of his anger.
Eva Braun stood calmly in this storm, coldly assessing the Fuhrer. His outbursts of anger, so terrifying to the General Staff, fascinated her. He seemed to have so much silent male passion in him. There was something almost boyish and impulsive about him.
"I do so love it when you lose your temper" she said, lowering her eye lids in what she considered a submissive manner.
"Its so manly and yet the display of emotion shows a softer side of you".
Hitler stormed out through the door, slamming it behind him. He picked up a paperweight & hurled it through the window. Shattered glass fell everywhere. Not that he minded breaking a window. He had after all broken millions of windows across Europe.
He slumped into a chair already feeling a migraine coming on.
Far to the north-west in the choppy English Channel, the crowded landing craft, as yet undetected, were approaching the beaches of Northern France.
Adolph Hitler was a man's man, but that morning as he woke up in the Wolf's Lair in the Bavarian mountains, he was distinctly conscious of being constipated.
Outside, it was as if a dark wing were stretched in the sky over all that lay below. The area seemed deep in shadow, brooding and with a chill in the mists that swirled in the surrounding valleys. Icy water moved like a beast of prey in the stream nearby, crying its birth-cry and rushing down. Above on the peaks there were thin slashes of snow.
He could not for the life of him understand? Unlike that gross figure Goering, who he had from timeto time seriously considered sending to Weight Watchers, he, Adolph was a vegetarian. Plenty of greens, bags of roughage. He should not be feeling like this.
"Why only yesterday" he thought, "He had been in fine form "Seig Heil'ing" all over the place and berating generals, walking his Alsatians, pouring over maps full of quaint little arrows & small plastic blocks representing panzer units that he could manoeuvre all over Europe, obliterating cities, enslaving populations. Deutschland growing, growing, growing until it could some day, perhaps in his lifetime, transcend the globe completely. Positively my last territorial demand!"
In the meantime he was constipated.
He sat on the cold wooden seat gently squeezing his gluteus maximus together, his trousers around his ankles and his Iron Cross dangling forward from his tunic. He leant at a forward angle in the hope of gaining further compression & focus in the nether regions.
"Gott in Himmel!" he pondered. "Yesterday, there I was thinking big & considering my very own Second Front. Invade South Africa on the pretext of liberating an indigenous ethnic German minority from persecution. And then, a bold pincer, (or was it an encirclement?) movement up through Africa to catch Montgomery's 8th Army in the rear".
"Thinking outside the box. That had always been his forte. Get the big picture & leave all the details to the rest of his motley Nazi crew: Himmler the former chicken farmer, Goebbels with his limp & languid eyes, Generals von Dis and Generals von Dat".
"But that was yesterday. Now here he was, the leader of a Greater Germany, constipated!"
"Perhaps its nerves?" he thought. "And it wasn't helped any by that bloody mistress I took. I could not marry, as I had my destiny to fulfil, but at the same time I didn't want the SS thinking I was gay. Not good for the image. Lose my street cred. But how could you deal with a woman like that. Obtuse, inane conversations about all kinds of nonsense that went round in circles".
It affected him with instantaneous disgust when anybody wanted to share emotions with him. He did not adore Eva Braun. The idea was to be adored.
"You never tell me you love me," she had started with.
"I have to consider the future of the Fatherland," he replied.
The gauntlet thrown down, the glove retrieved.
"So you put the Fatherland before me?"
"I didn't say that".
"Well, you implied it. You don't care for me. Mutti was right, she said you were no good".
"I did not imply anything & kindly don't bring your mother into this. My meaning was perfectly clear and my resolve is unshakable" he said.
In the meantime Adolph made a subsidiary resolve to have Himmler read dear "Mutti's" horoscope & see if she could be relocated, perhaps somewhere more suitable. He knew such places existed.
"You never take me anywhere", Eva Braun resumed. "You're ashamed of me".
"I have to be discreet" replied Hitler.
"Oh" she retorted. "But its ok for you to go round to all those rallies, eying up the frauleins with the blue eyes & big boobies and looking down their cleavages! I've seen you on those news reels. You don't fool me".
"You don't understand" said the Fuhrer in heat. "I'm encouraging and giving executive support for a new superior Aryan breed of super humans".
"Hah. That's your story. You never show me that kind of attention. You're just using me. Mutti was right. You area Dum Kopf!"
By now Adolph was starting to lose his cool. His voice rose to a shriek, his eyes popped & sweat appeared on his brow below the well known rat's tail hair. He was now definitively resolved that "Mutti", the percieved catalyst for this entire charade, had qualified with full marks for "special treatment" once he had calmed down. For calm down he must. He could not keep replacing the carpets at Berchtesgaden that he chewed when at the height of his anger.
Eva Braun stood calmly in this storm, coldly assessing the Fuhrer. His outbursts of anger, so terrifying to the General Staff, fascinated her. He seemed to have so much silent male passion in him. There was something almost boyish and impulsive about him.
"I do so love it when you lose your temper" she said, lowering her eye lids in what she considered a submissive manner.
"Its so manly and yet the display of emotion shows a softer side of you".
Hitler stormed out through the door, slamming it behind him. He picked up a paperweight & hurled it through the window. Shattered glass fell everywhere. Not that he minded breaking a window. He had after all broken millions of windows across Europe.
He slumped into a chair already feeling a migraine coming on.
Far to the north-west in the choppy English Channel, the crowded landing craft, as yet undetected, were approaching the beaches of Northern France.