Do I Sound Frustrated

[kittypaws]

I should have stayed in bed today
As the moon must be full and all of they
Have come out to play.
Moaning and groaning over simple things
These people give me a headache.

We want this and we want that;
No, I told you today was OK
But now in the evening I realize
I want it changed to another day.

Things don’t always work out
As you would have them be.
Stretch your arms to the sky
And yell out ~ all fly away!

As the saying goes….
“You can please some of the people some
Of the time but you can never please
All of the people all of the time.”
And tomorrow….
Well it’s another day.

kittypaws
11/3/10

PS this has nothing to do with Delta being smashed to smithereens!!

[Silas Thorne]

Can I smash 'All of they?' :)

[kittypaws]

Sounds like you have been here...smash away!

kittypaws

[Silas Thorne]

Well, you've only put 'they' there because it rhymes, but it screws up the grammar. The only thing is, if you change it, it would change a lot of the rhymes throughout. But maybe that's deliberate, given the poem's topic. :)

[Delta40]

Love the big red letters - a giant lipsticked mouth so perhaps 'they' will get the bloody message!

good kitty

[kittypaws]

Silas ~ as I said I am frustrated...and yes I know it is not proper grammar, (spell check pointed that out to me four times!!) however when one writes they are allow a license, a license to change what is proper; a privilege to be an artist. Ya know sometimes what you need or want to say just doesn't sound right if it's done by the rules.

kittypaws

Delta ~ thank you for noticing!

kitty

[hillwalker]

Sometimes spell-check knows best though.

I'm afraid I also found 'and all of they' awkward - not just because of the forced rhyme but also because it doesn't make any sense.
The comma at the end of the line suggests one thing. But when followed by 'have come out to play' it suggests the second line follows on to the third (in which case you don't need a comma and it should be 'and they have come out to play' or 'and all of them have come out to play').

Poetic licence allows you to bend the rules if it's to your advantage - but here I tend to think it spoils the verse. But that's just my opinion so.....

H

[kittypaws]

H ~ as You know I luv your feedback and respect your opinion but on this one I hold firm.


“You can please some of the people some
Of the time but you can never please
All of the people all of the time.”


kittypaws

[YesNo]

I agree with those who don't like "all of they", but what do I know? Overall the poem made more sense than many poems I've read.

I don't know if the title was a real question or just a title, but I don't think you sounded frustrated.

The first line started off in a nice iambic meter, but then the second line switched that. I wonder if the rhyme is even necessary in the second line.

[Silas Thorne]

Silas ~ as I said I am frustrated...and yes I know it is not proper grammar, (spell check pointed that out to me four times!!) however when one writes they are allow a license, a license to change what is proper; a privilege to be an artist. Ya know sometimes what you need or want to say just doesn't sound right if it's done by the rules.

kittypaws

I'm not denying that playing by the rules is always necessary, but that a poet should know when and where to break the rules. By making this word ungrammatical and following it with a comma, the last part of this line is left hanging and without a clear subject, as hillwalker has indicated.
But OK, I'll stop now. Do as you will. :)

[Haunted]

No you don't really sound frustrated but it's good venting. These two lines in particular give me a very nice feeling:


Stretch your arms to the sky
And yell out ~ all fly away!

[Scheherazade]

“You can please some of the people some
Of the time but you can never please
All of the people all of the time.”

I think I will join the ranks of those who are not pleased with the "all of they".

I agree with Silas and Hill that artistic licence is not about simply trying to bend the rules of grammar on a whim.

Over all, I think the poem sounds like someone young throwing a tantrum... Which makes it somewhat cute. Other than that, in my personal opinion, it has little merit.

[kittypaws]

Ahem…

"They" are my clients as I am a home builder and do remodeling and additions. "They" look over the shoulder of the tile installer and watch ever tile being placed. "They" then complain 4 days later when asked for payment that the tile is the wrong one. "They" are informed 5 days in advance of workers coming to their home. "They" are reminded the day before and then "They" at 9:30 pm the night before we are schedule call and want to reschedule the appointment.


The use of the word 'they' was not on a whim or just for the dare of not using proper grammar. "They" are real issues I deal with and "They" will stay!

And please don't misunderstand, I luv the comments and find it interesting! "They" have made my skin very tough and I have learned to take very little personally.

Kittypaws

[Scheherazade]

Kitty,

I don't think anyone here is questioning your right to feel annoyed with whomever and I try not to comment on the contents of a poem in general. So, the question here is really not "what you say" but "how you say it" and as readers whose opinion you seek by submitting poems in a public forum, we are also entitled to share the poem's effect on us. These are mere suggestions as, I am sure, no one here is in the belief that you *must* make the changes recommended.

I would also like to point out here that we are not criticising you personally but the poem or a choice of word so it is very wise of you not to take it personally. However, there is little reason to be so defensive either.