To Michael On His First Birthday

[_Shannon_]

To Michael On His First Birthday

There is that you in a far off dreamtime
Where you were so new and wrinkled
Smelling not yet of this world.
So many faces surround you with
Wonder and awe, marveling in
Humility before you.

We built a fortress
And the wise women gathered
Who fed us and came to you
Each kissing you leaving a mark
On your soul with her gifts.

You discovered the allure of the night
Resisting sleep so that all secrets
Could be yours to hold
Because life and death merge
In the shadow lands.
All wisdom is held there.

Those days are whispers,
Sounds almost heard but dampened
By the fog rolling in after midnight
As backyard dogs howl guttural and wild,
Lonely for the pack.

You became a great teacher, who
Trusting in depths within my soul ,
Compelled me to return again to the abyss
But the wise women were there
Reminding me to learn from you
And to not be afraid.

Now closer to the mouth of the cavern,
Daylight dances haphazardly on the walls.
We linger in the darkness so we
Are not blinded as we emerge
And lose our way.

Your little hand rests in mine,
Our hearts and breathing fused.
My great spirit guide,
I know you will not leave me
For we are one now and
Our shared strength is unconquerable

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is glorious! As beautiful and loving as it is spiritual! These lines


You discovered the allure of the night
Resisting sleep so that all secrets
Could be yours to hold


most especially touched me, but I think I'd have ended the poem with:


Reminding me to learn from you
And to not be afraid.

[_Shannon_]

Yes--I can see that...ending there. But it was really important to me, personally, not to end there. LOL! I had to chose one or the other--the poem or me.

I have missed you, friend!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes--I can see that...ending there. But it was really important to me, personally, not to end there. LOL! I had to chose one or the other--the poem or me.

As my beloved Yeats wrote:


The intellect of man is forced to choose
perfection of the life, or of the work,


The conflict you cite is one that has long intrigued me: there is on the one hand what we owe to the craft of poetry (or ceramics or whatever) and on the other what we owe to our mental health or soul or heart...

I used to advise the students in the poetry workshop I led: If there is a line or an image that all your readers object to, but it's deeply important to you, keep it! Better a flawed poem than a partially mute heart.

[_Shannon_]

As my beloved Yeats wrote:


The intellect of man is forced to choose
perfection of the life, or of the work,


The conflict you cite is one that has long intrigued me: there is on the one hand what we owe to the craft of poetry (or ceramics or whatever) and on the other what we owe to our mental health or soul or heart...

I used to advise the students in the poetry workshop I led: If there is a line or an image that all your readers object to, but it's deeply important to you, keep it! Better a flawed poem than a partially mute heart.
I am going to take the advice to heart!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I had to re-read this in order to reaffirm my recollection of the extraordinary way you handled time in it. Beginning already in


There is that you in a far off dreamtime
Where you were so new and wrinkled

You are already confounding our notion of the linearity of time, the post hoc ergo propter hoc which you continue at


We built a fortress
And the wise women gathered

and

You became a great teacher,

but return to the time of the title:


Your little hand rests in mine,
Our hearts and breathing fused.

and then once again contemplate the future he already holds:



My great spirit guide,
I know you will not leave me


It is as if, finally, the narrator-mother knows herself, or becomes reacquainted with herself, via the nascent wisdom of her practically new-born child.

[Hawkman]

Hi Shannon. This is a very good poem which for me, whilst a seeming celebration of a new life at it's first milestone also apears to have a Christian subtext which is subtly woven into its fabric. I'm afraid i do have a slight problem with the first verse though:

"There is that you in a far off dreamtime
Where you were so new and wrinkled
Smelling not yet of this world.
So many faces surround you with
Wonder and awe, marveling in
Humility before you."

There is an apparent tense change between the first and second lines. here I would suggest changing the were to are which would eradicate it.

Secondly, "Smelling not yet of this world" it think would be better as, "not yet smelling of this world."

The rest of the poem reads very well though and I appreciated its sentiments.

Live and be well, H

[_Shannon_]

Hi Shannon. This is a very good poem which for me, whilst a seeming celebration of a new life at it's first milestone also apears to have a Christian subtext which is subtly woven into its fabric. I'm afraid i do have a slight problem with the first verse though:

"There is that you in a far off dreamtime
Where you were so new and wrinkled
Smelling not yet of this world.
So many faces surround you with
Wonder and awe, marveling in
Humility before you."

There is an apparent tense change between the first and second lines. here I would suggest changing the were to are which would eradicate it.

Secondly, "Smelling not yet of this world" it think would be better as, "not yet smelling of this world."

The rest of the poem reads very well though and I appreciated its sentiments.

Live and be well, H

Thank you so much for you input! I am going to sit on those changes for a little while and see what I think. I knew there were some tense issues...but I ended up leaving them, because it is all so swirled up within me--the pat, present and future. But I think you might be right on this one.

[zoolane]

It great contribute to your son. x

[hillwalker]

Great poem Shannon - and I can see Prince's point regarding where the poem might end (from the reading point of view rather than your writing).

In fact I feel those two closing verses could stand alone as a separate poem.

But regardless, it's a finely crafted piece.

H

[_Shannon_]

Thanks hillwalker--may I ask where you come down on the are/were issue in the first stanza??

I still am not sure.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Shannon
where did you pop up from? I can see you have been a member for years. I hope you will be staying around as your poem was a pleasure to read. I cannot add much to the above, the only other thought that came to my mind was your use of capitals to commence every line, in my reading it sometimes put a full stop where their wasn't one, but that may well be just me.
best wishes
Jerry

[hillwalker]

I think 'were' is acceptable because you are in the present referring to a situation that was in the past.

Grammatically it is no more flawed than saying 'there is a house that stood empty for years'.

[Delta40]

Whimsical reminder of young motherhood cloaked in generations of she-knowledge passed down the line.

I'm about due for a grandchild I think!