Birth

[JackieGinger]

Birth

It was the day for loneliness,
the day the clouds were old,
When solely time's ancient voice
had the right to speak -
yet she never did.
She just imposed through her
ethereal but eternal right -
Immovable and Unquestionable.

It was the day for wistful dreams
to come alive...

Really need your feedback!
Thanks!:rolleyes:

[Haunted]

It reads like a nice poem but a bit abstract and begging for meaning.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I rather like the economy of it. It's like a single breath, expelled without an afterthought.

[hillwalker]

A poignant and wistful poem, but I lost the sense of it half way through line 6.

I think if we were told that 'She (time's ancient voice) just imposed....' (herself presumably) -and it was left at that it might make more sense....

- the 'through her
ethereal but eternal right -
Immovable and Unquestionable'
that follows is a bit too ethereal - it suggests 'she' imposed something other than herself, through something or other (we know not what); and the last two lines preceding the final couplet lost me totally I'm sorry to say.

H

[JackieGinger]

Thanks for the feedbacks! They really help!


A poignant and wistful poem, but I lost the sense of it half way through line 6.

I think if we were told that 'She (time's ancient voice) just imposed....' (herself presumably) -and it was left at that it might make more sense....

- the 'through her
ethereal but eternal right -
Immovable and Unquestionable'
that follows is a bit too ethereal - it suggests 'she' imposed something other than herself, through something or other (we know not what); and the last two lines preceding the final couplet lost me totally I'm sorry to say.

H
I am actually really glad that you have said this, because I sometimes tend to write things that make sense only to me.
I did mean that she imposed herself, never thought it would be unclear. And the following verses are absolutely necessary, for (in my opinion) they increase the sorry part of the whole idea, leaving it that way (She just imposed) wouldn't have contained the idea that one can do nothing about it(the right), and it has existed forever, although if you think of it you can not really see the sense in the existence of this right, as it is some very fragile, unimaginable thing. Oh well, I should not be explaining all this, the poem should speak for itself...
Thanks for your comments!


I rather like the economy of it. It's like a single breath, expelled without an afterthought.
Thanks, Prince!

It reads like a nice poem but a bit abstract and begging for meaning.
What do you mean by begging for meaning?

[Haunted]

What do you mean by begging for meaning?

I meant that I don't know what it is about. The language is nice but it's not attached to an object or person or situation or history, and I was left without being able to find a meaning to the poem. I have no idea why it's ethereal or eternal, Immovable and Unquestionable, and even more of a mystery — why Immovable and Unquestionable are capitalized. What's so special about that? There are too many loose ends and too little meaning.

[hillwalker]

Thanks for your reply to my comment - in which case I think you need to insert 'herself' into line 6 after 'imposed' so it makes grammatical sense, otherwise we (myself and Haunted dare I say on her behalf) don't know what 'she' imposed.....

[Jerrybaldy]

I am with haunted here. I found it unfathomable, but still a pleasure to read. Being unfathomable (by most) need not mean it is any the less for being so. Unless you wished it to be understood.
cheers
jerry

[JackieGinger]

Thank you all! I do understand what you mean, and yes, it probably is correct to say imposed herself, to transmit what I intended to say, I was looking for a verb that meant that by itself, thought it looked correct, however I agree with you that it is not clear enough this way.
Thank you all for helping me once again! :)