The Concrete Jungle

[Jake10]

The Concrete Jungle

Inspirations from green fields
Thy does not hold.
Touch of nature
Does allude thee.
Yet a Jungle
Thou best be called.
For nature’s laws
Thy ghettos rule.
The race for sunlight
Thy buildings practice.
Fittest survival
Markings of turf
Mazes of streets
Thy culture make.
For thou art home
My concrete jungle.

[Delta40]

I like the amusing contrast between ME terms and contemporary living! It's almost like a gangsta praying in a Catholic Church....

[hillwalker]

Some great lines here - chopped up slices of streetlife imagery.

I'm just confused why you peppered it with arcane language - 'thy', 'thee' and 'thou' seem very much out of place.
Especially in line 2 which makes no sense (the word 'thy' means 'your' not 'you').
It would stand up much better if written in contemporary language imo.

H

[Jake10]

Thanks, guys. I guess I used that style because I didn't want the character to seem coarse. I'll change line two.

[Silas Thorne]

Honestly, the 'concrete jungle' concept has been played with for aeons, adding archaic phrases doesn't really add much to it. Work on challenging readymade notions or twist them around downside up more in lines to come.