Pervade about thy head...

[TomKohlsi]

Hi everyone! Thanks for your comments on my last poem and I'm very sorry for the grammar mistakes in the title.

This is something I wrote a while ago after my sister asked me to write something for her in an 'old fashioned' tone.



Cosseted within my finite thoughts,
There lieth but one eternal memory.
Of the unseeing stare of thyne eyes.

They penetrate my soul with a blank beam.
And, with impassive grace,
Inscrutably dissect my inner thoughts,
To pervade about thy head.

[Delta40]

I definitely like the first stanza

pervade about thy head seems to imply something other than thoughts - head lice for example (lol) I suggest you edit the last two lines so that I know you're trying to say will be more apparent.

good show Tom

[hillwalker]

I agree the first verse is the better of the pair.

I'm left wondering how her eyes (supposedly?) can spread about her head. Perhaps cutting out the final line completely might make more sense.

H