A One-Way Romance

[Jassy Melson]

Late last summer on a humid steamy evening,
as I lay sick in bed, my cousin's wife came to visit me
and to as she put it “cheer me up and bring me some peace.”
I took her at her word and slipped my hand
under her blouse. To my surprise she squawked
and scooted away from the bed, horror etched
on her pretty face and her limbs quaking in terror.

I told her in no uncertain terms that all I wanted
was (to steal a phrase from John Gardner) a friendly f u c k.
Her mouth flew open and her eyes widened to the size
of Jefferson nickles; she placed her hands on her pale cheeks
and intoned “No” over and over till I grew sick of it.

“Look, Debbie,” I said, “don't take it so personally;
I'm just horny, that's all; it's no big deal.”
She rushed from the room, her face a hot scarlet,
leaving me still sick and in need of cheering up
and still in need of a little peace.

Some might call me a crumb or even a creep
for doing what I did, but I don't think
it was all that bad; for after all
what did I do but tell the truth?

[Delta40]

Her mouth flew open and her eyes widened to the size
of Jefferson nickles;

nicely framed jassy and I enjoyed feeling the poem as a groping attempt to clutch a lifeline.

[Jassy Melson]

Thank you for reading it and commenting on it. I expect that some will view the poem as sexist, but it's not that at all.

[billl]

Late last summer on a humid steamy evening,
as I lay sick in bed, my cousin's wife came to visit me
and to as she put it “cheer me up and bring me some peace.”
I took her at her word and slipped my hand
under her blouse. To my surprise she squawked
and scooted away from the bed, horror etched
on her pretty face and her limbs quaking in terror.

I told her in no uncertain terms that all I wanted
was (to steal a phrase from John Gardner) a friendly f u c k.

.
.
.

Some might call me a crumb or even a creep
for doing what I did, but I don't think
it was all that bad; for after all
what did I do but tell the truth?

Well, it looks like the narrator may have fondled a woman without her permission (but maybe reaching under the blouse doesn't indicate contact, I don't know... but it is a common euphemism for fondling). Establishing unwanted intimacy is, of course, wrong--but I guess one's attitude about it might not be "sexist". Perhaps the narrator would reach in a man's pants without permission, as well, for example.

[Jassy Melson]

all I have to say is don't take it so seriously

[PrinceMyshkin]

I find it difficult to comment on this, ether appreciatively or with any constructive suggestions. I read it as an unremarkable anecdote told in a prosaic manner. Why not go the rest of the way you've begun: make it into a proper short story, fleshing out the character of the protagonist and, possibly, dealing with the hypocrisy of his attempt to justify his action vis a vis the wife of his cousin?

The only remarkable thing about it to me is the gross insensitivity of his telling Debbie not to take his advance "personally," i.e., he wanted a piece of a s s and she was the only piece around.

[Jassy Melson]

it's a poem; it's not an anecdote

[Silas Thorne]

There isn't any 'romance' in this one, so the title is quite misleading.

It also doesn't read as poetry. Sure, there are poems that read as narrative, but the language here doesn't really express much beyond that of very basic prose, apart from the line that Delta picked up on. There isn't really any concentration of meaning here that we would normally express through the medium of poetry.

[Jassy Melson]

I repeat, it's a poem. You don't think it's a poem. I see no need in either of us elaborating any further.

[hillwalker]

I was always told that if the writer says it's poetry, then it's poetry.

Except, of course, that poetry and prose do differ (otherwise why have separate definitions for the two?). One expects to find perhaps metre, rhyme, lyrical language, metaphor or at least something to suggest it isn't a piece of prose that has been chopped up into lines. Another measure is - if the piece were to be rewritten as one continuous 'stream' would it read as prose? In the case of this, undoubtedly yes.

I wonder whether you perhaps feel poetry is a higher form of art than prose and so would hate to see your work condemned as inferior. That is not the case, of course.

I admit I'm unable to find anything resembling poetry in this piece but you have the last word.

H

[Jassy Melson]

Nothing resembling poetry at all? Not the wee littliest bit? not the tinest wee little bitty bit? hahahaha

[Haunted]

It reads really well as a short story and it certainly have a message. But to join in the discussion poetry is usually much more condensed, connectives and phases like "and to as she put it" that don't add any aesthetics or meaning, most definitely don't make the cut.

[Jassy Melson]

I still think it's a poem

[PrinceMyshkin]

I still think it's a poem

Of course you do - and shall and should continue to think so, just as many of us shall and should continue to think that our children are the brightest, best-looking, most loving &c. &c. on the face of this earth.