I'm Comming, Too.

[TomKohlsi]

Hey everyone! This is something I wrote a couple of months ago so I thought I'd see what you guys thought of it. I know it's usually advisable to stay away from rhyming, but I wanted to for this poem because, in My opinion, it adds to the quick pace. Anyway, I'd love to know what you all think!


I'm comming


I loved your eyes.
I liked your style.
Young but wise.
A cryptic smile.
You said hello.
I didn’t reply.
But you’re so mellow,
And I‘m so shy.
I studied you,
You startled me.
You knew too,
We’re meant to be.
Whenever we meet.
Electric fire.
Looked at our feet,
Gaze went higher.
Your blushing lips,
Your dazzling teeth.
Your finger tips,
On bridal wreath.
Love defeats death,
There is no match.
Your last breath
Was no dispatch.
I know it’s strange,
I still hear you.
Death is no change,
I’m coming too..……

[Delta40]

in Your opinion, you could be right!

A combination of flashing images on a tv screen and November Rain

[Maryd.]

Loved it... Especially the ending.

[hillwalker]

As one who tries to avoid too much rhyme I have to say this worked quite well. The ending was unexpected and a clever twist on infatuaton.

Might I suggest you get rid of all the full stops and commas at the end of each line - most of them are unnecessary. And of course the typo in the poem's title (and indeed the title to the thread) is a little careless and suggests you are less articulate than you really are.
But keep posting,

H

[Haunted]

There's movement in the poem and because of that the rhyming is almost undetectable which would otherwise negatively affect what I think of a poem for someone who doesn't like rhymes. The progression that ends in the reader's realization that the persona is talking to someone who's already dead is unexpected and gives depth to the poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes, the misspelling in the title sets us off in a skeptical way regarding the literacy of the author. Unlike most of the other posters, I disliked the rhyme, which is in part a general prejudice of mine but here it particularly worked against the sincerity of the content. I could feel the author's mind going Got to make this next line rhyme! Can I do it? Phew, I made it this time...

It seemed to me especially inappropriate inasmuch as at the end the speaker appears to be vowing his own willed death.