Mists of Eden (First Age)

[babylonsfalling]

Mist of Eden
(First Age)

There stirs a frightened, primal beast,
whence ages first began,
whence Breath of God came first released
to stir the hearts of man.
Came Godly soul to earthy flesh
that something new be known,
whence both be blended into one
but neither overthrown.
Through Eden’s mists to soulless flesh,
came life to conquer death,
that flesh be freed it’s mortal chains
by God’s eternal breath.

There stands a man on Eden’s ground,
his innocence anew,
his flesh and soul as sprouted seed
from which his spirit grew.
A Godly voice
though still and small,
sounds loud a higher call.
But comes a doubt
from flesh without,
with choice to rise or fall.

There wanders lost a bitter man
bereft the Godly voice,
now driven east of Eden’s mists
now carnal in his choice.
Befallen low from heights beyond
what any man could tell,
he stands alone as one who knew
the distance which we fell.
But through his seed the Godly Breath
gives birth to Holy Word
till flesh of God be sacrificed,
whence grace of Christ be stirred.

Genesis 2:7
Genesis 3:24
1 Kings 19:12
Isaiah 53:3-10
John 3:16

[hillwalker]

I'm guessing this refers to man with a capital M being cast out of Eden - the carnal side of his physiology taking over.

Your poetical skills are evident here - the rhythm and rhyme unforced and again flowing with a certain musicality.

But I'm left waiting to hear the poet's voice. These poems read more like divine messages perhaps transmitted from above (?) through you instead of your own, personal beliefs and experiences. You are still an enigma.

For any reader to truly engage with what you have written he/she needs to be able to identify with your humanity and say, "yes - I know exactly how he felt when he wrote that".
Something to work on perhaps if you have the courage to expose yourself to such scrutiny.

H

[babylonsfalling]

I'm guessing this refers to man with a capital M being cast out of Eden - the carnal side of his physiology taking over.

Your poetical skills are evident here - the rhythm and rhyme unforced and again flowing with a certain musicality.

But I'm left waiting to hear the poet's voice. These poems read more like divine messages perhaps transmitted from above (?) through you instead of your own, personal beliefs and experiences. You are still an enigma.

For any reader to truly engage with what you have written he/she needs to be able to identify with your humanity and say, "yes - I know exactly how he felt when he wrote that".
Something to work on perhaps if you have the courage to expose yourself to such scrutiny.

H

I'm glad you like the rhyme rhythm thing.

As for what I felt when I wrote something, it's generally frustration at trying to make the rhyme rhythm thing sound good, and feeling good when it eventually works itself out.

You seem to be complicating things more than necessary.

[hillwalker]

You seem to be complicating things more than necessary.

I was actually wondering more about your feelings about the subject matter rather than the mechanics of the poem.

I get the feeling you are transcribing someone else's message (admittedly into enjoyable poetry) rather than conveying your own feelings in a more personal way.

But no matter. Your motivation to write is your own business.

H

[babylonsfalling]

I was actually wondering more about your feelings about the subject matter rather than the mechanics of the poem.

I get the feeling you are transcribing someone else's message (admittedly into enjoyable poetry) rather than conveying your own feelings in a more personal way.

But no matter. Your motivation to write is your own business.

H

So I read in your earlier post...

These poems read more like divine messages perhaps transmitted from above (?) through you
You're really making things overcomplicated though.

I write stuff because that's what I like to do, I like the Bible so I use that as a subject source. I have lots of time to write because I have a weird work schedule, when I'm off from work all my family and friends are AT work, plus I can't stand TV which frees up even more time. I take long walks at the beach with Earl Grey tea from 7-11 and stinky cigars and I bring a pocket size notebook with me to write stuff down. That's about as complicated as it gets.

And if messages are being transmitted, my antenna may be broken because if I were receiving them, writing this stuff would be much easier.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I write stuff because that's what I like to do, I like the Bible so I use that as a subject source. I have lots of time to write because I have a weird work schedule, when I'm off from work all my family and friends are AT work, plus I can't stand TV which frees up even more time. I take long walks at the beach with Earl Grey tea from 7-11 and stinky cigars and I bring a pocket size notebook with me to write stuff down. That's about as complicated as it gets.


But the content of what you present here and elsewhere is already well-known to most of us. There's more of you, our contemporary, in the paragraph I quoted above than there is in these teachings; and I would presume to speak for others in saying that we come here both for the pleasure of seeing the craft of poetry in practice, and to encounter others in their uniqueness and fullness.

[babylonsfalling]

But the content of what you present here and elsewhere is already well-known to most of us. There's more of you, our contemporary, in the paragraph I quoted above than there is in these teachings; and I would presume to speak for others in saying that we come here both for the pleasure of seeing the craft of poetry in practice, and to encounter others in their uniqueness and fullness.

I'm not trying to insert myself into what I write....that seems (to me) like an exercise of vanity. And it's not that those who do inject themselves into their writings are necessarily vain because they obviously see things differently.

It's just that if I wrote that way, it would feel vain to me....so I don't do it. In my world, it would feel like using the piece as nothing more than a "look at me" cyber-stage for myself to stand on. Others obviously perceive it differently and I don't feel qualified to say that just because I feel this way about my stuff, it HAS to be the same way for everyone else with their stuff. It's one of those things that can be correctly wrong in my world, and correctly right in your world....ultimately left up to the individual to work out in his own mind.

The paragraph you quoted was only a response to another poster who tries seeing or finding things that aren't intended to be there in the first place...thereby making it more complicated than necessary.

And honestly...I post this stuff on several different sites. This is the only site where I get this frustration over not injecting myself into the stuff I write; not that it's a problem when people look for that kind of writing. It's just that those who look for that kind of thing in what I write, are banging their heads against the wall to no avail.

[hillwalker]

It isn't so much a case of revealing yourself - it's a case of developing your own 'voice'. So there's no vanity issue.

Your poems do tend to read like generic recyclings of Biblical text without any discernible personal input. They could have been written by anyone with access to a Bible and a rhyming dictionary.

So I'm not trying to complicate matters - I'm merely pointing out one way forward if you wish to attract more readers. I should imagine that no one on this Poetry forum comes here to read you pieces in order to expand their religious knowledge - there is a Religion forum designed specifically for that purpose after all.

H

[babylonsfalling]

It isn't so much a case of revealing yourself - it's a case of developing your own 'voice'. So there's no vanity issue.

Your poems do tend to read like generic recyclings of Biblical text without any discernible personal input. They could have been written by anyone with access to a Bible and a rhyming dictionary.

So I'm not trying to complicate matters - I'm merely pointing out one way forward if you wish to attract more readers. I should imagine that no one on this Poetry forum comes here to read you pieces in order to expand their religious knowledge - there is a Religion forum designed specifically for that purpose after all.

H

They aren't written to enhance religious knowledge. They'd have to be much longer for that, plus that would only lead to an unending theological debate with those who disagree. In truth, they're written with an assumption that readers already have enough religious knowledge to know what's being written about.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm not trying to insert myself into what I write....that seems (to me) like an exercise of vanity. And it's not that those who do inject themselves into their writings are necessarily vain because they obviously see things differently.

It's just that if I wrote that way, it would feel vain to me....so I don't do it. In my world, it would feel like using the piece as nothing more than a "look at me" cyber-stage for myself to stand on. Others obviously perceive it differently and I don't feel qualified to say that just because I feel this way about my stuff, it HAS to be the same way for everyone else with their stuff. It's one of those things that can be correctly wrong in my world, and correctly right in your world....ultimately left up to the individual to work out in his own mind.

The paragraph you quoted was only a response to another poster who tries seeing or finding things that aren't intended to be there in the first place...thereby making it more complicated than necessary.

And honestly...I post this stuff on several different sites. This is the only site where I get this frustration over not injecting myself into the stuff I write; not that it's a problem when people look for that kind of writing. It's just that those who look for that kind of thing in what I write, are banging their heads against the wall to no avail.

Thank you for your civil and informative reply but as for whether or not it's vain of you to introduce your personal experience of these theological events, why not let God be the judge of that?

It's just that what you present is, better or worse, what any other person in any other country and century might tell us of these events. We learn nothing of how a person living in Southern California in these tumultuous times feels about/experiences them.

[babylonsfalling]

Thank you for your civil and informative reply but as for whether or not it's vain of you to introduce your personal experience of these theological events, why not let God be the judge of that?

It's just that what you present is, better or worse, what any other person in any other country and century might tell us of these events. We learn nothing of how a person living in Southern California in these tumultuous times feels about/experiences them.

No...I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding something like that for myself and let God be the judge of the decision, rather than doing "whatever" and letting God be the judge of the action. I actually think it's better for me to avoid stuff that would feel like an exercise of vanity.

And I doubt my geographical location in Southern California during tumultuous times is sparking any special perspective from me on the fall of man.