The trip to work

[Jerrybaldy]

Besuited and cloaked in the car,
trapped in comfort, frantic in thought
pushing buttons, finding songs
sucking cigars, seeking diversions,
I pull up to the lights.
Overgrown bushes roadside,
what a place to hide,
A den beneath the branches.
To lie at night and watch the sky,
to read stories by day on a bed of grass
on pages dappled by shadows.
To be so close to the road, to the world
and to be so far away.
To be drenched through by rain
and to yearn so hard to be dry.
To notice every hour pass
and feel the time it takes.
To suffer the cold with the comfort
of simple suffering.
I would waste away on blackberries
grow a beard and enjoy the touch
of my ribs as they reshaped me.
I would watch the besuited,
cloaked in their cars,
until I decide
to return.

[Maryd.]

Hey Jerry... I always find your poems straight to the point; your ending's that is. Nicely put together. Well done sir.

[PrinceMyshkin]

God, this is beautiful! The whole of it, but especially


I would waste away on blackberries
grow a beard and enjoy the touch
of my ribs as they reshaped me.

[Delta40]

I thought you were writing about the homeless guy as you sit in the comfort of your car. You really do well to put yourself in the shoes of others, play with the idea, retreat, self-punish and continue down the same road.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks Mary, the endings have it :)
Prince, you often surprise me in your responses and today is no exception. Thank you.
Delta. No homeless guy. Just me dreaming of an idealised way out.
thank you.

[tailor STATELY]

Escapism at its finest.

Well done !

[Jake10]

The description in this is so image provoking that it takes the reader to the scene.

Personally, the lines : To feel every hour pass
as though it took an hour to do so.
put a twist in the flow, however.

[Hawkman]

Hi JB, this is a cracking poem but I do have a couple of suggestions to improve its flow.

you might consider reversing the order of besuited and cloaked as cloaked and besuited scans better with a more pleasing rhythm. I also find the plethora of periods distracting as they break the flow of the poem, especially where by using commas, coherent sentences would be formed. This is particularly so here:

"I pull up to the lights.
Overgrown bushes roadside.
What a place to hide.
A den beneath the branches."

"I pull up at the lights." could be separated from the preceding list with a comma and make perfect sense. Likewise, the next three lines could safely be separated by a couple of commas after roadside and hide.

Lastly the lay should be a lie.

apart from these minor quibbles this really is a very good poem.

Best, H

[hillwalker]

This is a brilliantly drawn fable of the 'grass being greener on the other side' - and of course, in this partiular case it is - temporarily.

But best of all, you have managed to come up with so many perfectly-captured images in this that it is worth reading over and over again. One of your best, Jer - because the punch it packs is wrapped in a velvet glove.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Speaking, as Hill just did, of the grass being greener, I ought to show you a short-story I wrote along time ago, called "Love and Goatsh*t".

And yes, your poem does stand up very well to being re-read.

[Haunted]

ah, "Pushing buttons, finding songs." That's me while doing 75, looking for entertainment, relief and distractions and finding none!!!!

The use of paradoxes is striking. Here's someone feeling the constricts of modern living: "trapped in comfort" of a car but longing for "the comfort of simple suffering", lying on a bed of grass and wasting away on blackberries. That's luxury to those who's tired of the high octane existence.

You know Jer, from time to time I fantasize of leaving this rat race and taking up a job pouring coffee with a smile at a beachside restaurant, then when my shift is over, just get out of my waitress garb and take a dip in the ocean. Naturally I am very fond of this poem in it's preference of alternate living.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you for commen,Tailor.
Jake, you are right, I have changed it, thanks.
Hawk, your suggested changes to full stops were spot on and I have changed and yet again you got me on lay/lie :)
I cannot change besuited and cloaked even though it may sound better as I meant I was besuited, but I was cloaked by the car. Thanks Hawk I'm always grateful for your suggestions.

Thank you Hill, I am pleased you rated it.

Prince, bring me the love and goat****.

Haunted. Thank you, pouring coffee all day and dipping in the ocean after sounds much more fun than living in my bloody bush now you suggest it.. :D

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince, bring me the love and goat****.


Too long to send via a post or PM. Send me your email address, unless they cancelled it 'cause you were sending filthy messages all over the place.

[Jake10]

Where is the new version, Jerry? You can't leave us hanging like that. Let's see?