"Your Presence"

[darkprince]

When u touch me,
a shock through my nerves.
When you smile at me,
a sprout of heat through my veins.
When u look at me,
a chilled fog in my eyes.
When you kiss me,
my body is levitated.

[hillwalker]

When u touch me,
a shock through my nerves.

When u look at me,
a chilled fog in my eyes.

I'm wondering why you used 'u' in these two instances and not 'you' (since you use that elsewhere in the poem).
For the sake of convention it is best to stick to one or the other, otherwise it looks like two typos.

Also the phrase 'a sprout of heat' is difficult to visualise.

And in the first 6 lines you have repeated the convention of dispensing with verbs for 'a shock', 'a chilled fog' and 'a sprout of heat' - presumably the reader is left to decide what action each of these elements carry out. Which is fine - but in that case perhaps repeating the same conceit in the last line would have worked better - something like 'levitation through my body'.

Otherwise this is slightly less clicheed than some love poems - but only just.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm a whole lot less tolerant than Hill of your use of "u". It smacks of internet-babble. I thought the last analogy was a letdown. There's an implicit pattern in the previous three examples of the beloved's affect on you. It feels as if the excitement is rising, but then "levitation" neither in itself or as an image has quite the lift I expected it to have. You need something more imaginitive there.

[Haunted]

Perhaps you meant "a spurt of heat"?

I agree with Hill about the syntax. For a short piece it should be consistent. BTW is the sexual connotation in "levitation" intentional? :D

[darkprince]

Hey u guys, the "u" was not intentional, actualy i'd sent ths to ma gurl loool, it was a txt msg so thts why the "u" instead of "you".... "levitated" has been usd here jus to show tht her kiss can make me feel lik heaven, when her warm lips touch my craving cheeks...:-P...i meant levitation as my whole self rising up...jus a metaphor..

[Delta40]

lol. you're the txt po8! I would be inclined to use txt terms only if the poem is relevant to the language but otherwise refrain from using it.

[Silas Thorne]

:) Yes, there's actually no problem with using text language if there's a reason for it. But if you are using text language, you could at least be consistent. A few instances of 'u' in the poem is not really text language.
The 'sprout of heat' IS really hard to visualise. 'Sprout' usually is used in connection to plants and it is rather confusing to link this to fire.