New poem

[the lonly boy]

hi new to this and this is one of my poems

ghost wisperer

silent as a moonless night
spoketo but never replies
for he cannot hear the voice
of the living only the voice of
the dead

when the wisperer speaks it be
only to a sorroful ghost
whos soul cndemed to walk
the earth for eternity with
nigh freind or foe but
the wisperer

roaming the streets dark
and alone speaking
in a monotone voice
that living and dead
hear alike

the wisperer listens to
the sorrowful stories of
the sorrowful ghosts
knowing this is how it
will stay for the rest
of his days
until his time has
come and he to is
condemed like the
ghosts he wispers to.


hope you like it
its the first poem ive posted

[hillwalker]

You make a great job of describing the despairing state of the 'living dead' - or a zombie presumably. The opening image of the moonless night is a very vivid one that could have done with being extended further into the poem perhaps.

There is quite a lot of repetition that could be cut without weakening the poem, although of course part of the point of the poem I suppose is that the whisperer's life is an endless repetition.

I just felt it could do with a little more description, a few gentle touches of a paintbrush to give the reader a better sense of the setting, or indeed his emotions. Show us how it feels to exist in this twilight life rather than just giving us a list of what he does.

And there are some typos you would spot if you did a quick spell-check.

But for a first post it's promising.

H


EDIT : just spotted you posted this poem on angli's thread as well - not sure why, unless it was a slip of the mouse!

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's an intriguing prospect and one I puzzled about but your sense of where and how to break your lines just didn't work for me, didn't add anything in the way of emphasis or drama to the narration. Indeed, you seemed to break your lines in a very arbitrary way.