"The Elopement"

[darkprince]

A state of perplexity aroused,
those moments of decision,
be together or break apart?


Love was an enigma,
a doubt of infatuation
puzzled me,
a mistake if made
would be perpetual.


Her zealous nature,
I admired the most.
Her childishness,
I adored the most.


She came up
with a notion,
a reckless thought rather,
elope and marry!?


My face turned red,
red with rage,
before I could reply,
her sarcasm :
"Would you ask my hand?"


Suddenly,
time froze,
a series of images flashed,
her family,
a horde of savages.


She convinced me,
her persuasive look.
A risk,
for better or for worse.


A silent midnight,
a starry sky,
a deserted vicinity.
I waited and waited,
all packed and ready.


Her house,
a mansion I would call it,
so magnificent.
But at night,
so like haunted,
so repelling.

Beside the fence I stood,
the darkness my companion.
Slowly,
I closed my eyes,
succumbed to slumber.


Within a monent,
the sun's smile stroked my eyes,
a beautiful morning,
a pleasant blue sky.


I was in a meadow,
my eyes towards the sky.
And then I saw my damsel,
she in a bliss,
her beatific smile.


Time slowed down,
her lips closer to mine,
the distance lesser,
a sudden splash of water,
I opened my eyes.


For a moment,
wished my dream never ended.
In reality,
I was a guest to her house,
my hostile hosts!
her family staring.


There she stood,
right beside me,
her grave expression,
her head bowed.
Our narrow escape,
caught red handed.


I held my love close,
my spirit was high,
I had no fear.
I was determined,
live or die,
but with her.


The man of the house,
he looked into my eyes.
Never he blinked,
he gazed my soul within.


Perchance, my eyes showed trust,
he said to me,
"Keep her safe".
He freed us,
a gesture he made.


It was not the end,
a mere beginning.
Our love is true indeed,
the almighty knitted us together,
made for each other.

[hillwalker]

There are some parts of this that are better than others - but it is a very long poem considering that it's nearly all intro and very little else.

To begin with, the first 3 lines are a distraction. They tell us nothing; but are attempting to tell us something in a very cumbersome way.

The 'hordes of savages' episode and the description of her house seem unnecessary. Unless I'm missing the point.

Personally I believe at least 50% of this could be dispensed with in order to focus on what you are trying to tell the reader here. You're describing an elopement but there's no tension or passion - just confusion.

And you're still juggling with archaic expressions that are out of place -

Never he blinked.....
Perchance.....
a gesture he made.....

It needs some work doing on it if it's to survive as a poem. At the moment it's more like a storyboard.

H

[Delta40]

I rather like the them of indecision, although I'm not sure how this transformation occurs from one line to the next - she simply convinced him.

Her zealous nature,
I admired the most.
Her childishness,
I adored the most.

Using the term 'most' twice is not as effective as:

My face turned red,
red with rage

She came up
with a notion, I am unsure about the correctness of this, which could be easily re-written as:

She was possessed by notions of marital bliss, she had a hair-brained idea etc etc.

But at night,
so like haunted,
so repelling. so, like, haunted has a, like adolescent feel! It devalues the last line in the stanza also. Edit it to so it is more consistent with your overall style.

succumbed to slumber may read better as surrendered to sleep

she in a bliss, aarggh! what the heck is a bliss? lol although I do like:


Time slowed down,
her lips closer to mine,
the distance lesser,
a sudden splash of water,
I opened my eyes. Very refreshing, reviving almost.


I think the poem has great potential. in this, you have merely scratched the surface of what could be a great struggle to come to terms with the idea of marriage. While a degree of fear is apparent, there really could be more and I would love you to edit this, maybe shorten it but pack the stanza's with a bit more punch.

[Maryd.]

Ah love... Is grand, isn't it. Well done Dark.