Our Sealed Winter.

[zoolane]

The Green Ink.

In the winter of 1943. It was bitterly cold this year. We had a business that got destroy and it was burn to the ground. Are own community turn against us. They called us names, threw stones and beat us up anytime they choose to. The 'Reich' made us wear the Star of David. We had pay more taxes then the normal Germans' did. They set our place worshipped a blaze. Not one was allow to survive.

A month later, we were eat our dinner in the kitchen. When the door was broke down and German soldiers' marched in. My wife and two children ran to me. We were take to a hold area. It was packed with others people wear yellow stars. We walked to train station. We were shove on to a cargo wagon like someone try put all their belongs' into one suitcase. After hours of stand in dark with young, teenagers, middle aged and elderly. With no foods. No break for using the toilet or to our reach the legs.

We came to stop. The doors were open. The white snow was 5 inches high. That was my first glimpse of the chimneys'. The chimmeys' had thick black smoke come out of top. The grey uniforms' shout that us. We are marched. Some of old and young fell. The guards' whipped them with sticks and canes. One young girl refuse to get up. She was shot in head. The smell of decay meat and flesh was in air.

Our suitcases' were take off us that station. Some girls were order sort out the items in the suitcases. Out of corner of my eye. I saw a girl with dark hair and plain dress was taken to a shed. Other German officer came out laugh and doing up hes trousers.
Walking through the station, we saw piles of clothes, shoes, specs, jewellery and someone pull out gold teeth from my people.

Their is more come.

[zoolane]

We were to told halt. A young and naive soldier open the big iron gates. Mens were sent to left of camp and women to right. My lovely children were told go straight. I was stop again. Strip of my clothes. I was told to put on PJ's with back and white stripes. Next I was subject to a medical and brute one that. Everyone had their head shave and we all gave own special tattoo in green ink. I heard rumours that the hospital is were my children went and their is a 'The Angel Of Death' works in the hospital. He used the children for hes inhuman experiments. I was clear for work. I saw showers blocks but windows and door was sealed. The soldiers were laugh and joking.

I was bundle in to hut with more 20 or 30 men. The hut was not suppose houses that many men at once. I slept with 2 or more to a bunk and with 1 blanket between us. The morning I was wake at sun rise and breakfast was a slice of hale bread. The work was manual labour, building the Nazis houses, factories and if you were luck house servant. Even working in the Nazis houses had it risk special for women and girls.

One day, I saw something that scare me. It was the chimneys again but the chimneys had oven. I saw my fellow man shove skeletons and bodys into the oven. The German's were killed us with starvation, murders us in own body and spirit. I pray that my children and wife survive. I am on my way to the shower block and will not be returning.

[hillwalker]

You have listed a lot of stuff here that has already been reported elsewhere in varying degrees of detail by actual 'Holocaust' survivors.

It's clear you are recording a series of events that you have heard about or seen on tv and trying to put yourself in the position of that mother. But we don't get to hear the real mother's voice here I don't think. Perhaps no one but her could tell us what she really saw or felt.

My main criticism would therefore be that your witness is not believeable. The way she tells her story is rather emotionless.

It's a fair effort, but it does read rather flatly which means it weakens the impact. And in this particular case the events probably deserved a more believeable voice.

H

[Delta40]

I think Hill may be right in this case. My issue is that the content of your story is packed with events and incidents that need longer, closer, examination. For example, your character could easily live through one event (where the Reich breaks down the door) in a more emotion driven, detailed way. To do this, you would need to portray the family life, show the shift from security to fear as times changed to the point where the family is torn from their own home. Details of everyday life within the family would give us a taste of normality before the extreme horror is portrayed. A famous example of this is probably The Diary of Anne Frank, who shared her life, hopes and dreams before being herded off to a death camp. Your readers will be more moved. The key here is letting the reader know the character and associate with them so they can empathise fully with the change.