Could we love

[Cunninglinguist]

#1
Could you love me given that I am alone,
When each man by man adds upon my dearth,
And each would make me see that dearth I own,
Until I plea, could you replace each man on earth?
Could I love thee given all of my hate,
Given the mean defense of what I clutch,
A heart, a riddled heart so delicate
I feel it may crumble at the slightest touch?
My love, be soft if you for me pursue,
Be the gentle winds or the gentle streams,
Or be soft rain ere flowers bloom anew,
But be soft, you are upon my seeds, my dreams.


As it is sort of just a lame Shakespearian sonnet at the moment, should I add the last couplet that's supposed to be there or leave it as it is?

#2
Fast we grow, and fast we die,
One’s left to think that life’s a lie,
A dream, in which we may not wake
But live so gravely for doubt’s sake.

#3
Remember not the dead as dead,
But take them at their finest hours,
And from this act you will shed
The seeds that may renew the flowers.

[hillwalker]

You're asking permission to throw away either one or both of the 4-line verses.

Personally I feel these are ten times better than the main body of the sonnet. Each can stand alone as a fine poem. But the preceding 12 lines are not particularly appealing.

The archaic style and strict use of rhyme seem to have removed a lot of the sense of this poem - I can't make head nor tail of lines 2 and 3 for example.

Similarly 'be soft if you for me pursue,' and 'you are upon my seeds' sound fine but make no sense.

It begs the question why you are trying to write like Shakespeare - you are attempting to do something you are doomed to fail at when you are obviously quite capable of writing less archaic poetry that your readers might better appreciate.

H

[Cunninglinguist]

You're asking permission to throw away either one or both of the 4-line verses.

Personally I feel these are ten times better than the main body of the sonnet. Each can stand alone as a fine poem. But the preceding 12 lines are not particularly appealing.

The archaic style and strict use of rhyme seem to have removed a lot of the sense of this poem - I can't make head nor tail of lines 2 and 3 for example.

Similarly 'be soft if you for me pursue,' and 'you are upon my seeds' sound fine but make no sense.

It begs the question why you are trying to write like Shakespeare - you are attempting to do something you are doomed to fail at when you are obviously quite capable of writing less archaic poetry that your readers might better appreciate.

H

I meant the two 4 line verses as independent. Lol, I suppose I want to be versatile; admittedly I was pretty sleepy when I wrote the sonnet (that being about 4 hours ago, hence I am still rather drowsy), and, in retrospect, you’re probably right. I have gotten myself into a groove where the verse naturally flows with 8 syllables per line. What makes this sonnet so quirky, I think, is that two of the verses end with question marks; that and I pretty much forwent iambic pentameter in half the lines. Edited:

Could you love me given that I am alone,
When each man I see does add to my dearth,
And each will make me see that dearth I own,
Until I plea, could you replace each man on earth?
Could I love thee given all of my hate,
Given the mean defense of what I clutch,
A heart, a riddled heart so delicate
I feel it may crumble at the slightest touch?
My love, be soft to me if you pursue,
Be the gentle winds or the gentle streams,
Or be soft rain ere flowers bloom anew,
But be soft, you tread upon my seeds, my dreams.

The line was originally “You tread upon my seeds” but I changed it to “are” because I figured it sounded better, but at the price of ambiguity.

Thanks –
Me

[PrinceMyshkin]

Nor am I any more than Hlllwaker, partial to Shakespearian pastiches but there is magic in that not quite sonnet and the shorter 2 & 3 - with their echoes of Yeats - are splendid. Thanks.

[aliengirl]

Your 4 line poems are much better than the Shakespearean style sonnet. They are forthright and catch the eye immediately.

[Cunninglinguist]

Thank you. I guess I'll take the hint, stop trying to do Shakespeare for the time being, and stick to the later guys.

[hillwalker]

Might I suggest you even try to write with your own voice? I'm certain you have the ability to express yourself in your own personal style without the need to copy anyone else.