Those frauds!

[darkprince]

My strength was failing,
losses piling up.
My friends' true colours,
a smile of hatred on my lips.
Fate had made me a pauper !

I then turned to God,
blew the dust off the holy book,
alarmed my wife,
prayed till dawn.

The Lord too left me,
he answers only the rich,
a thought for the man in tears !

A channel on T.V
caught my eye,
spoke of revival from failure and frown,
a ray of hope filled my mind.

Amulets and chains I bought,
felt a comfort from deep inside,
happiness once more in my life,
my home became a paradise.

On a day like any other,
a news caught my eye,
my eye brows jumped with shock.
The divine crap makers, now handcuffed,
all set to be jailed !

I began to wonder,
saved I was, but how?
Those stones and strings ?
And then it clicked,
my belief the saviour,
what mattered was how I thought.

They were cheaters, I agree.
Grateful I am,
I'm not lame anymore.
I wish to see them,
a few words : "Thank you my dear frauds !"

[hillwalker]

The theme behind this is an interesting one, but after the first few verses it tends to become a little more like prose chopped up into poem-sized lines.

You also display a few bad habits that don't help - phrases like

saved I was, but how?

and

Grateful was I

Why not stick to the conventional form 'I was saved' or 'I was grateful' ?
They are just as 'poetic' if that is what you were striving for. No one speaks that way, and unless the entire poem was written in some archaic form of English they just look out of place.

Also - exclamation marks at the end of so many lines is a lazy way of trying to increase their impact. If your words don't already do that for you then punctuation won't help.

I'm also puzzled by the line 'a news caught my eye' - not only have you used the 'caught my eye' expression twice within the space of 8 lines but I'm also guessing there is a word missing.

It needs a little more care; perhaps some trimming to focus on the main points will give it the impact it lacks. But it's a decent first draft.

H

[darkprince]

Oh i thought writing lik dat wud add sm poetic touch...

[hillwalker]

wrong!

[Delta40]

lol. I rather liked it darkprince - the irony behind it all. I do agree with Hill about the conventions.

keep up the good work!

[darkprince]

@delta40 : thnx bro ! :)