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JessM
10-15-2010, 10:59 PM
i haz story this time. completed. not too set on the title. thanks.

~~~~~~

They met at a movie and she auditioned for him. His memory moves only in brief snapshots like a staggered photo album: a handshake, a clumsy hello, a broad smile, and a few colors—a peach dress if he remembered correctly, and he probably did not; maybe they were shorts, and maybe they were lavender. He never thought to file that moment away, the moment of one time little significance, but later, a plaguing regret.

But her laughter, her humor, he did remember. He remembered how freshly confident it was, unabashed, genuine, and real. It was transcendent. It left behind the insecure reluctance of teenage humor. Is that funny? Should I laugh? I think it's funny but does anyone else? It was pure. It smoothed any pending awkwardness. She understood him. Her laughter was empathetic and flexible. If every sense of humor had merit, she recognized it, nurtured it, and allowed it to blossom. How versatile, how understanding. Her laughter was her presence. It diminished others' and expounded compassion to everyone around.

But he did not think about their first meeting so profoundly until years later--she was still his friend's girl at the time and off limits, of sorts, and then they said no more than five words to each other for the next ten months. A handful of hellos, waves, and head nods were sparse and scattered and amounted to no real friendship just yet.

Then a year later they had class together. They spoke often. Her friendliness was so becoming he could hardly help it. Acquaintances grew into friends, and friends began to walk the same halls together they once did without the anonymity of the past. He liked how their conversations made him feel. They buoyed him out of the looming funk a dimly lit high school hall inevitably drew him into. They were bright spots in otherwise petrified walks through locker-lined corridors of blaring tedium. Then junior year ended.

At the end of a long summer they went swimming and talked at length for the first time in months about senior year, and college mostly. Relaxed, he went with the natural flow of conversation, interested in everything she told him and vice versa. A gentle breeze teased their bodies as they lay side by side studying the endless blue nothingness above. Jean skirt, and green bathing suit with white polka dots, and no makeup, she was very pretty.

“Did you finish the reading?” she asked; they covered their upcoming senior year in detail.

“No but I figure I'll do fifty pages a night for a week and get it done.” She had already finished.

He rolled over and faced her and she proposed, “let's be in the same class.” He agreed nonchalantly, hiding his eagerness. She wanted to be near him. It was her effort, her idea and all he did was agree. He moved into her class the next day and when school started they sat next to each other and that was all it took. For forty-nine minutes everyday he only experienced her. His senses neglected every other trace of activity outside of her three foot radius. It was just him, and her. The dim fluorescent lights paled, the chalk on chalkboard faded into a murk of muddled, unaffiliated aural scratches. He became a lens with a single subject. Surroundings were blurred, irrelevant to his existence, and burdened his focus. Was he even in class? Nahh.

Near the end of the year it all came together. She became his and he became hers. It intensified over the summer before college. They could not stay away from each other, and each moment apart was agony. It was during those secluded times in which he became jealous, untrusting. He had sought after her for so long and did not want to lose her to some audacious Casanova bent on acquiring the infatuation of all the pretty ladies out there. It should not have been an issue—he should have known their care for one another was too pure and too strong to dissolve in a moment of lustful caprice. She did not worry as he did; she felt secure; she knew it could work. But he became consumed by the jealousy and insecurity of one inexperienced with love. Who were you with? What did you do? Do you love me still? His thoughts ranged far from the natural flow that carried their budding potential up to that point. And once the erosion began, it could not be stopped. She grew resentful, and he, fearful. The end was in sight, and indeed it came, as the delicacy of their bond crumbled under its own imposing weight.

And that was it.

alcala0001
10-16-2010, 03:09 AM
Awesome narrative! I think we've all been there. After the first few times with me, I just pretended they got hit by a bus. Much simpler and easier to deal with. Personally I've never been a 'lets just be friends' type of guy. I still run into ghosts sometimes.

It was a very insightful piece and I thank you for sharing!

hillwalker
10-16-2010, 07:09 AM
90% of this is very well written and you have encapsulated that feeling most guys go through when a gorgeous girl wants to be buddies.

However, the first two paragraphs do you no favours. Paragraph 1 just rambles on and on to no purpose. Why does the reader need to know all this junk? Most would take one look and decide to pass on the rest of the story.
And the next paragraph is almost as awkward. It's almost like it was written by a completely different person to what follows.

Paragraph 3 is where the story starts, so why annoy the reader with the rest of the stuff?

And from that point on it transforms into a vivid and touching piece of story telling.... until the final 5 paragaphs where your bad habits ceep back in.

Firstly we ae not told why they broke up - an essential piece of information I would have thought to such a story.

And secondly, you're starting to ramble again.
You definitely need to get yourself an editor!!

If I had to describe your approach to the creation of this piece and how it turned out I would have to quote you : he understood that he was so caught up in what he wanted to happen that he never stood back to decide how it should happen.

H

JessM
10-16-2010, 09:11 AM
why thank you alcala.

and that is about what i presumed to be wrong/the type of constructive criticism i would receive, hill. thank you. i was going for the omniscient narrator puts his two cents in kind of thing but i can see how the reader may not be too keen on that. the first two paragraphs are my least favorite.

this was a really personal story, and i did not want to include the break up in the narrative, which would be rather complicated to describe and kind of boring in my opinion, without adding much. but on the other hand it could also convey some pretty powerful emotions. but as it is, i think the story is more about the ride up to that point. i tried to sum it up in the 6th to last paragraph without being too specific. but i'll do some edits... and rereads and see how i feel about that as well. i appreciate it!

hillwalker
10-16-2010, 09:48 AM
There is nothing wrong with leaving your readers wanting more - so don't feel you need to go into greater detail than you already have. In fact, a more subtle ending would have a greaer impact than what we have here.

By saying 'Then it ended, and it was bad' you are building up our expectations that we are about to be told 'how bad'.

Better to suggest that things did not run as smoothly as you had hoped by ending on a brief note of reflection how the inital flush of romance doesn't always lead to a lifelong relationship. Keep it short and simple, rather than dribbling off into the sunset as this does in those final 3 paragraphs. The reader can usually fill in their own gaps.

Also, you said yourself you were least happy with the first 2 paragraphs - that's nature's way of telling you to change them or get rid :-)

H

JessM
10-16-2010, 09:50 AM
edits! thoughts, h?

edit: not quite done actually

edit: actually, i think i like it that way. anymore detail to the ending what begin a whole new narrative unto itself of overshot emotions, ridiculous, obsessive, and irreverent behavior, and the beginning of a tension in a new strained friendship that would never go away. perhaps, in part two. :0

JessM
10-16-2010, 09:59 AM
There is nothing wrong with leaving your readers wanting more - so don't feel you need to go into greater detail than you already have. In fact, a more subtle ending would have a greaer impact than what we have here.

By saying 'Then it ended, and it was bad' you are building up our expectations that we are about to be told 'how bad'.

Better to suggest that things did not run as smoothly as you had hoped by ending on a brief note of reflection how the inital flush of romance doesn't always lead to a lifelong relationship. Keep it short and simple, rather than dribbling off into the sunset as this does in those final 3 paragraphs. The reader can usually fill in their own gaps.

Also, you said yourself you were least happy with the first 2 paragraphs - that's nature's way of telling you to change them or get rid :-)

Hi see what you're saying totally. i made some strategic eliminations and additions.

hillwalker
10-16-2010, 10:15 AM
The edits make it a much tighter piece of writing. Maybe the ending could still be tweaked some more to seem less abrupt....
- but it's a time thing. Rushed thinking produces rushed writing. My advice would be to come back to this in a week or so if you still feel it's worth more work. But your instincts are good.

H

JessM
10-16-2010, 10:27 AM
will do will do. muchas gracias