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Delta40
10-15-2010, 09:48 AM
Irena walked into the dingy cafe off Holmes Avenue and shook her heavy hair. She zeroed in on her one admirer. The counterhand. Irena smiled coyly. 'What do you look at boy?' Drooping like a lanky stalk, the rather spotty boy kept stock still. At first glance, he looked like a snapshot except for the fact that his adams apple bobbed up and down as he tried to swallow the oversize lump in his throat. Irena removed her jacket. Her penetrating gaze temporarily hypnotised him. From the kitchen, Gino the cook shouted, 'Am n chez tostie for tayble too.' The plate slid along the counter from the kitchen. The counterhand didn't stop it and the toastie for a sorry looking old man fell to a greasy demise on the faded ceramics. The customer yelled his disgust. 'Don't bother!' and stumbled out leaving the counterhand at the mercy of Irena. Gino spat onto the floor and wiped his nose with a soiled teacloth. He grinned through his limp moustache at the counterhands gaping mouth. He swore in Iti Oz. 'Bastardo! You gunna clean dat or what?'
The spell was broken briefly but Irena pushed her shoulders back and whispered, 'Say, boy. You see something you like?' The counterhand coughed awkwardly. Irena purred like a well fed cat who enjoys the sun before tearing its prey to shreds. She had some time to kill.

He was skinny. The cardboard hat with 'Gino's' printed in fat flowing red letters made him look smaller than he was. He also looked ridiculous. An open book, thought Irena. He kept his head down as he scurried past her, dustpan and brush in hand. Perhaps he would mumble something. Irena figured even if he spoke, his thoughts would still be unintelligible. The boy was a definite walkover and she basked in her own sensual power. She hoped he would at least have some cash that she could make use of if she was to go the distance with this one. Irena smiled cruelly. Her thick, painted lashes were poised to blink at the right moment. Then, Irena reasoned, she could have some fun at the dumb suckers expense.

While he swept up the remnants of a toasted ham and cheese sandwich from the floor, Irena willed herself to feel some attraction to the bony arse, waving not more than two feet away. It was Friday. Nine o'clock. Irena glanced round at the empty tables and consciously adjusted her breasts before the counterhand turned to face her. The days greasy fried foods had permeated every surface. Even the light bulbs were coated in a brown layer of fat.

From the kitchen, Gino smiled when he thought about the little witch Irena. He checked the camera charger. Nearly full. The camera was a good idea. Irena once told Gino if he didn't have so many health problems due to his gross fatness, too much rich food and habitual shots of vodka, he might feel a stirring in his loins that would please his hungry wife. Gino derived a great deal of enjoyment out of filming though. Over the last year, he had amassed an impressive collection.

With her usual expert timing, Irena slid off the stool and curled up to the sweaty stick figure, causing the dustpan and brush to clatter to the floor. He lost his grip. Her exotic scent washed over him as his bulging eyes tried desperately to take in the bountiful scape of her cleavage which jiggled invitingly under his nose. For a brief second, he thought he might lose bladder control.

Irena parted bee stung lips and quivered inwardly as she felt the tremble of her prey. 'Tell me boy,' she breathed. 'You want to touch me? Feel me? Taste me? Gino snorted at the kitchen entrance as he adjusted the camera lens zoom so he could capture the eyebrow raising expression of the counterhand as he was devoured by the temptress. Irena gave a thumbs up to Gino as she bled every drop of a young boys' adolescent fantasies. She hoped the night would turn out better than last time. Like Pavorotti in ballet shoes, Gino danced to the door. He flipped the 'Open' sign to 'Closed' and continued to film.

loki456
10-15-2010, 09:58 AM
haha... nice delta, nice.

'gross fatness', jiggling cleavage, and bee stung lips... all the makings of a great short story.

The only problem I had with it was there was no real ending... something simple such as a one word like, 'click' (the sound of the camera taking that final picture) at the end would have sufficed. Just to denote that the story was about this kid picking up his first 'trick' while gino the fat bastard taunted somewhat cruelly. other than that, if you intended to make this a part of a larger story, I could definitely see this having potential.

Thanks for sharing

Loks

PrinceMyshkin
10-15-2010, 09:58 AM
even if he spoke, his thoughts would still be intelligible

Surely you meant to write unintelligible?

You tell this so well, so naturally and (or but) I'm left with such a sense of mystery at who the eff this Irena is that she gets such malicious pleasure out of tormenting that poor callow counterhand.

And what is the nature of the implicit pact between her and Gino?

It's a pleasure to encounter you in your prose persona, as confident as the one I admire in your poetry.

Delta40
10-15-2010, 10:07 AM
I'm making it up as I go along. I changed the ending a little but it still suggests another instalment.

MANICHAEAN
10-15-2010, 10:37 AM
Delta. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks.
Reminded me of those Anglo-Italian greasy spoon building site cafes in the UK that did nothing but huge breakfasts for gangs of ravenous Irish labourers.They used to shout to the kitchen upon taking an order, something like: "Egg- a-the- baka-de-beans."

Steven Hunley
10-15-2010, 11:01 AM
Something about this reminded me of Belushi's "Hamburger hamburger hamburger." The descriptions of fat and grease give new definition to the idea of a "greasy spoon" restaurant. You may want to work on the end just a bit as loki suggested, so that it stands well on its own, but can suggest some sort of continuance at the same time. I'd write more, but after reading this I gotta go wash my hands. Loved it.

PrinceMyshkin
10-15-2010, 11:04 AM
I'm making it up as I go along. I changed the ending a little but it still suggests another instalment.

Yes, I see the revision that promises another installment & look forward to it and you cannot, perhaps, imagine how much I envy you this making it up as you go along!

The odd time I made notes in advance of a novel I was writing, there was a thrilling point when I realized that the notes were useless, indeed kind of a burden. Let the story be free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty when the story is free at last!

Delta40
10-15-2010, 05:27 PM
Yes, I see the revision that promises another installment & look forward to it and you cannot, perhaps, imagine how much I envy you this making it up as you go along!

The odd time I made notes in advance of a novel I was writing, there was a thrilling point when I realized that the notes were useless, indeed kind of a burden. Let the story be free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty when the story is free at last!

Yes I have spoken to people who simply will not or cannot put pen to paper until they have an entire plot backed up by research and notes and others who write to see where it takes them. I think a combination of the two would be an ideal balance!

Manichaean and Steve - Thanks so much for reviewing my work. I do need to look at expanding the tale or creating an end. Love those Italian cafes!

Jerrybaldy
10-15-2010, 05:51 PM
Hi Delta
thanks for the bedtime story. You are going to have to reassure me now that you do not hate the entire male race ;) I too write with no idea of where it is going, that is the whole pleasure of it for me, the finding out.

I can see the poet in you in your short stories. I would have liked more dialogue. The poet in you led to long description and short dialogue. This could be made into a poem. I posted one short story on here and have never returned, think I sit somewhere between the two, but I think you could be equally great at both. In fact you already are.
Great Job Delta
and eerrmm Girl power :P :D

Delta40
10-15-2010, 06:04 PM
Hi Delta
thanks for the bedtime story. You are going to have to reassure me now that you do not hate the entire male race ;) I too write with no idea of where it is going, that is the whole pleasure of it for me, the finding out.

I can see the poet in you in your short stories. I would have liked more dialogue. The poet in you led to long description and short dialogue. This could be made into a poem. I posted one short story on here and have never returned, think I sit somewhere between the two, but I think you could be equally great at both. In fact you already are.
Great Job Delta
and eerrmm Girl power :P :D

Dialogue is not my strong point, which makes play writing a real challenge for me. I do hate the entire male race - how did you guess? I'm going to the beach to admire the remnants of drunk youth now so I will look at the dialogue part through the day and see if I can make it more interesting.