The Box.

[zoolane]

The Box

I was digging my vegetable patch. It was sunny Sunday afternoon. I was getting stuck in, and trying to prepare the earth for seeding. I think I must of black out. I woke up in some kind of box. I was shock. I had tears of frighten roll down my face. How the hell did I end up in a box? Who put in this box? Surely no one hates me at much?

I was struggle to move. When I realize that my hands' and feet are tied together. The next thing, I try to do was to use my feet and pushing open the lid. It was really hard. After I gave up, my feet had cramp and did my calf mucsle. I decide that lid must be nail shut. I scream as loud as I could but no one came. I did move from side to side to see if that help. It did not.

The time was non existence in my coffin. It seem to get hard breath, so I slowly calm myself down. Surely they couldn't leave me in this wooden prison forever? As air was disappear from me, I drew anxious and began think my children and my partner. The tears started it flow again.

My body felt limp, and lungs couldn't take property breath or exhale either. I must left body. I was stood outside in my garden again. To my horror I saw my partner. He was stand over my grave and laughing.


How I am guard angel for children against him.

[zoolane]

Is short sight to woman prision in most horror way possible.

[hillwalker]

You really do have a dark imagination.

It might have been better to describe more about the time before you found yourself inside the box. This does happen rather suddenly - a little contrast before the before and after would be more suspenseful.

H

[zoolane]

Before my dreadful death. It was ordinary weekend. The Friday was uneventful, it was just daily chores. Me and my partner was OK so I thought. Hes was acted bit offish but put down stress of working and financially commits. Well I was wrong that for sure.

Now Saturday was bit odd. Now I think back on it. He took the 3 children out for day and mean for whole day 8am to 8pm. They even had their dinner. I went to pictures with friends and quite relax afternoon in local bar. I wasn't drink alcohol just be normal for change. When I said normal, it sense that if I had being 17 again. I did love my children, I still do but I did miss be able do things on spare moment. The children came home.

When the children were getting ready for bed and chatting what fun had that day. I was try listen the door but only thing I heard 'now nice daddy special friend was'. I decide with comment. I would walked in but silence fell on them all.

After I said goodnight to them. I went downstairs to ask about who this special friend was. I went to kitchen. He says he was going out with hes mates. I decide that was why hes being so nice today but nagging feeling still about this special friend.

Sunday, I woke up with two children asking to going to Sunday school. I took the children to Sunday school, came home and sort the Sunday roast. I finally ask him about hes special friend. He answer casual with its bloke that you hate.

It got about 3pm, he mention pop out to B&Q for stuff for the front garden. The children were take to birthday party on way. I though it good time. To started on vegetable patch. What mistake that was.

[hillwalker]

If this is how the story is meant to start then it's got a great opening line. It grabs the reader's attention and preparesthem for a shocking story.

And the way you describe such a normal weekend is an effective contrast to the events that follow. Perhaps you could cut down on some of the unnecessary detail - telling us what time you got up on Sunday for example doesn't add to the tension as much as describing your partner's strange behaviour (which is what makes the readers prick up their ears).

But this is now a great starting point for the piece you posted earlier.

H

[em onty]

I would put a little longer description into the realisation that you're in a box and I can't imagine that one would notice that *before* they realised they couldn't more their legs.

I rather like the prelude though. Wot he said^

[zoolane]

I would put a little longer description into the realisation that you're in a box and I can't imagine that one would notice that *before* they realised they couldn't more their legs.

I rather like the prelude though. Wot he said^

The idea was that the woman only had hour or less before pass way. The tied of legs and arms, was not make so obvious and throw reader off sent.

[zoolane]

If this is how the story is meant to start then it's got a great opening line. It grabs the reader's attention and preparesthem for a shocking story.

And the way you describe such a normal weekend is an effective contrast to the events that follow. Perhaps you could cut down on some of the unnecessary detail - telling us what time you got up on Sunday for example doesn't add to the tension as much as describing your partner's strange behaviour (which is what makes the readers prick up their ears).

But this is now a great starting point for the piece you posted earlier.

H


Thank you Hill, it me being me and going backward from the ending.