The Forgotten And The Forgetting

[Revolte]

There is a child in your city
who begs, busks and cries,
he dines on dust and mud
while you poor your glass of wine.

There is a man of age next door
who seldom sees his kids,
he stares at fading photos
while you show yours games and tricks.

There is a wife made to a widow
when her husband left for war,
she thinks of dying daily
while you drift to dream with yours.

There is a sense that somethings missing
something out of place,
perhaps you have forgotten
what gos on every day.

Your neighbors who are mourning
the ones that wish to die,
the ones who lost their families
and the ones who wake to cry.

You think your problems matter
and perhaps it's true they do,
but surely I'd feed the homeless
before I'd give my bread to you.

For that you'll call me selfish
spoiled and a brat,
but that's not true at all
its more that I give back.

So take your high class job
your kids, your car, your wife
and I'll take my loving heart
and help the lost find life.

I wont lie I'm not a saint
I sin more then I speak,
but if there's anything I know
it's to feed the starved and weak.

For when I die I'm sure
I'll end up in some hell
but I wont be alone,
I'll have you to make my trail.

You see I might lost
and I bet that you are too,
but alive you served yourself
and dead you'll serve me too.

[PrinceMyshkin]

You've made your point, intelligently and poignantly, by the time you get to this stanza:


So take your high class job
your kids, your car, your wife
and I'll take my loving heart
and help the lost find life.


I suggest you leave off there or not much further than that.

[Lokasenna]

There is some powerful and evocative imagery here, and I like the theme of the poem immensely; however, I agree with Prince about ending on that stanza.

The rhyming is the poem's major weakness, as at times you labour it and at others you don't bother at all - I think you could dispose of the rhyme scheme completely and have a finer poem. Also, this is in need of a good proof-read - you've got quite a few grammar mistakes and missing words there!

[hillwalker]

It reads more like a song than a poem - a strong message, but there's a lot of awkward phraseology which suggests it would work better with a musical accompaniment to gloss over the cracks.

H

[Revolte]

It reads more like a song than a poem - a strong message, but there's a lot of awkward phraseology which suggests it would work better with a musical accompaniment to gloss over the cracks.

H

Well I needed new material for a song anyway lol.