Getting the glad-eye

[Hawkman]

The would-be Robert Palmer girl
has drunk her cappuccino.
She wipes away the froth moustache,
(it has a hint of sprinkled grounds)
with dainty calculation
and a manicured finger, whose nail
is red as Satan’s eyes.

Her own are brown,
and velvetly inviting,
vain, and aimed at mine.
Daring me to break that gaze,
she stands and smoothes
some unseen folds
from the skirt which drapes her thighs.

I leave un-played my game of chess;
my rival’s chagrin only guessed
but then, he knows the score.
I walk toward my date with fate:
destiny is definitely, giving me the eye,
the only option, really - to comply.

[Delta40]

Is she your date though? I do like the detail observation of this woman that almost seems in passing yet results in a date status if only your own mind.

[Scheherazade]

I think whether the date was pre-arranged or not is irrelevant at this stage as it is obvious that there will be a date (even if it was not arranged before).

It unfolds excitingly, drawing in the reader with every line (Was the use of "with" in two consecutive lines in the first stanza intentional?)... Until the last stanza. I think in this one, the wording gets a little bumpy. Eg, "I leave un-played my game of chess" sounds somewhat forced. Maybe "I leave an un-played game of chess" might run more smoothly.

Also, I think there is a need for another comma before "then" if you would like to keep the one after it.

And last two lines are rather laboured and might read better if they were simplified a little.

[DieterM]

I could sense the anticipation, the heart beating faster. Simple yet efficient poem. I'm just a bit confused by the commas but, heck, that's probably just me.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I might just as well copy and paste the following to the next several poems you post:

Beyond the always witty content is the fluency which you write here: more fluently, more seemingly spontaneous, than any of us might direct someone how to get across the street.

[hillwalker]

Some memorable images here... love the 'Robert Palmer girl' (presumably from his 'Addicted to Love' video) and the phrase 'velvetly inviting' (unnecessary comma since we are having a punctuation splurge).

I'll admit I was expecting the rhythm to continue along the lines of L1/2/3/5 - but the poem doesn't suffer unduly. Similarly the rhyme is intermittent but not glaringly so.

However, I found the image of 'Satan's eye' followed in V2 by 'Her own are brown....' confusing. This actually requires 'Satan's eyes' for it to make more grammatical sense (and it still rhymes with 'thighs')

..... unless, of course, she is monocular (hence the title!). .-)

H

[Scheherazade]

the phrase 'velvetly inviting' (unnecessary comma since we are having a punctuation splurge)Ah, interesting: I read it as "velvety" (is "velvetly" an acceptable form?) and assumed to be another adjective describing the eye, which justifies the use of the comma there: "velvety, inviting,/vain and aimed at mine."

Regarding "Satan's eye" and "her own are brown", I think it is possible to say this? "Are" indicates that hers are plural; she has more than one eye?

(I am not being argumentative but simply discussing to understand better.)

[hillwalker]

I did read it as 'velvetly' and knowing Hawk's scrupulous care before posting I imagine the 'L' was intentional. Even if it's not in the OED I think in poetry one is allowed (even encouraged) to put words to new uses and perhaps adapt them where fitting - we can all imagine what 'velvetly' implies.....

As for the jump from single noun 'eye' to 'hers are' - it's not the most grammatically correct usage even though the reader is able to work out what was intended.
The problem is that we are invited to carry the 'object' from the preceding line and make it the 'subject' of the next, which would mean it would read as 'her eye are...'.

But I'm just being picky!

H

[Scheherazade]

Thanks for the explanation, Hill.
I did read it as 'velvetly' and knowing Hawk's scrupulous care before posting I imagine the 'L' was intentional. Even if it's not in the OED I think in poetry one is allowed (even encouraged) to put words to new uses and perhaps adapt them where fitting - we can all imagine what 'velvetly' implies.....Yes, I realise that there is room for exercising poetic license and it would imply that, in this incidence, "velvetly" is an adverb (rather than adjective as I had thought originally) and "velvetly inviting" does not require a comma (despite Hawkman's scrupulous care before posting his poems :smilewinkgrin:) as you suggested.

[hillwalker]

Touche.....:nod:

H

[Hawkman]

Hello everyone. Firstly, thanks for stopping by to read and comment. In case anyone hasn't figured it out yet, this poem is intended as a companion piece to 'Urban Fox', in which "the would-be Robert Palmer girl' was first introduced and described in some detail. This also explains the reference to the chess partner who, "...knows the score."

Sher, thanks for pointing out the excess comma after velvetly, which was a mistake and a consequence of my fialing eyesight. Likewise the one after 'own' in S2. I really must get into the habit of wearing my glasses when typing, so sorry for the confusion Dieter :D Hill, you are quite correct in that the choice of, 'velvetly' was deliberate. It is a nonce word, employed for effect.

I don't really see a problem with 'red as Satan's eye,' (singular). I felt that as I was only mentioning one nail there was more symetry of expression by referring to a single eye. Then again, perhaps in my vision of Satan he is cyclopian, or has eyes of different colours :D it really isn't important.

The two withs in successive lines are not good practice and although I wanted to use 'with' in each part of the sentence I may well change the parenthesised line to start with and. Although I don't like it so well, it is less objectionable than the repetition of with.

I don't think the chess line is unduly forced. It makes sense and is not actually gramtically incorrect, although perhaps less common usage.

Delta, If one remembers that the woman is Fate then the entire flavour of the situation is altered :D

Prince, Thanks for your comment, even if Sher dares to diasagree with you :D If only it were true...

Thank you all again.

Live and be well. H

edit: Actually hill, although the eye/eyes transition between the stanzas was deliberate, the more I think about it, after both you and Sher have flagged it, I think I may well make Satan's eyes plural. - H

[tailor STATELY]

Wonderful tale told. Brings to mind the song "Chess - One Night In Bangkok" for some reason (maybe because I'm a chess-nut ?).

I think I dated her back in '80. She adored my Giuoco Piano.

Ta! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Hawkman]

Hi tailor,

I'm glad you enjoyed it but, although I'm happy enough to engage in a game myself (I regularly play my father, who feeds me g & t's until I start loosing. Ironically, the more he drinks the better he gets...) I'm afraid that the musical reference is completely wasted on me. I checked it out and nothing felt further from my understanding of the spirit of my poem! :D

So you're a pianist... I'm a flute man, myself but even doing an Ian Anderson impression completely fails to impress the ladies. I guess it's a size thing, lol.

Regards, H