Visiting Time.

[Jerrybaldy]

You visited again today.
I am so thankful to this place
arranging visitors for those,
who have no family, to call
and pass the time of day.
I am sorry my dear.
I noticed after you left,
I had breakfast stains
all down my blouse.
I know that I clenched my hands
far too much
and my head nodded to an old tune
out of time.
I saw your boy wriggle his nose
at the smell of urine.
I am so glad you called.
I am writing this to you
before supper
and pills.
I know if I don't
I will forget before lights out.
I hope you like the Monet painting
on the card.
regards
Rita.

Dear Rita
thanks for the card.
I remember well, the painting
of the poppies field,
you hung to brighten my bedroom.
Jack has drawn you a picture,
You have poppies in your hair.
My name is Jenny.
I would so love you to say 'Hello Jenny',
thursday when we call.
I will place this card with the others
you have sent.
I love you Mum.

[Delta40]

I forgot the title of this poem because it was immediately obvious that it was visiting time! This sounds like a nursing home to me. The mysterious last 'I love you Mum' smacks of the yearning need of Jenny. I can't critque your poem because your writing is so often a story unto itself. these two snippets give a panorama of possibilities to ponder over.

[hillwalker]

Wow. Something as simple as this can convey so much emotion and the unspoken sense of loss.... Jenny losing her mother to onset-stage dementia presumably.

The first 4 lines follow quite a strict metre then fall apart into a more conversational rhythm. I'm not sure if it was done intentionally to echo Rita's failing brain function, but if so it's a clever touch and if not... well I'm sure it was.

H

[Scheherazade]

Hi Jerry,

This is an interesting one; I like the idea and how the story unfolds in two postcards. However, I think it needs some more work. Some of the punctuation is breaking the rhythm and the flow, making it a little hard to read, I feel. For example, I don't think there is a need for commas here (also "for" is needed after "place"):

am so thankful to this place
arranging visitors for those
who have no family to call

In the next lines again, I think, it is possible to get rid of the comma and rearrange the words:

I noticed after you left,
I had breakfast stains
all down my blouse.

Maybe:

Only after you left I noticed
I had breakfast stains
all down my blouse.

(without changing your choice of words).

I like the lines about hands clenching and head nodding but here too I think some rearrangement is necessary as it does not flow very smoothly. Maybe you can use a joint subject (I) instead of changing the subject to (my head) after the "and"?

I don't want to go through the poem line by line; I am sorry if my post sounds like I am being very picky but with some revision, I think this one too will be very strong.

:)

[Haunted]

I just love how you tell a story Jerry. I have to resist repeating my comment I wrote earlier today on your other poem Bedtime,{edit}. Keep it up, despite absurdities of your characters display, your work always shows great compassion. It goes straight to my heart.

[zoolane]

:)Very heart felt 2 little poems, Again deal taboo subject matter.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Break my heart - again! why don't you?

[hack]

Yeah, this one is great JB.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you all.
Hill. In all honesty it was my mind that drifted not Rita's.
Scher. Your points are all valid and will be addressed.
Delta. I am worrying over ' a story unto itself' .
Thanks Haunted, absurd characters ? I guess so :)
zoo. I think I have subconciously absorbed Deltas recent postings.
Prince . I am glad you seen it as heartbreaking as so did I.
Hack. Thank you very much.

[Haunted]

Thanks Haunted, absurd characters ? I guess so :)


I was talking in generalities...visuals such as "I saw your boy wriggle his nose / at the smell of urine" bring back some of your memorable characters like the elderly lady who drinks wine from a plastic cup and later died and rotted in her flat — characters that do silly things but yet conjure a tremendous sense of pathos.