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bruises
10-08-2010, 04:01 PM
Hi, before you read it I just want to say sorry if it's no good, I'd love your opinions and critiques and advice if you would be so kind (: I'm taking my English GCSE next year so I kind of want to practise, but it's something I've always wanted to do anyway ^_^ And it's really short because I have a non-existent attention span :')


Memories of Room 13

He returned to room 13 smelling heavily of whiskey and threw his jacket onto the unmade bed and slumped into the worn down armchair by the window. The room was cold but the chair was unusually soft and warm for it's situation, it comforted him and he let himself sink into the tenderness of the fabric and gaze out of the window letting his breath fog up the icy glass. The sky was washed of it's colour and darkening, he sighed and running his rough, nicotine stained fingers through his thinning grey hair he watched as the first droplets of rain heavily tap against the window and streak towards the stone pavements.

He poured a glass of a strong smelling liquid from an obscure bottle by the chair and turned his gaze to the bed. The sheets were crumpled and had lost the sharp, vibrant whiteness they must hav had at some point in time. And the brightest thing about the bed was the red streak of lipstick against the pillow. Her lipstick. The most beautiful thing left in his world was a mark left by the woman who'd held him a hostage to his own lust and disappeared in the night. He would have been unsure of her existence if the vision of her lipstick had not been held so vividly in his mind.

And even though the room was in an advanced state of decay and soon to be of no use to anyone any more, it had beheld the beauty of this woman, for that one night the room had been under a spell and there was no damp on the ceiling, and the wall paper was not peeling off of the walls and tearing, the carpet was not thick with dust. There was colour. For that night, the prospect of a new reason and hope for love for the world excited him. For the briefest of moments in this chapter of his life there was hope. And her name didn't matter to him in the same way his never did, she was his for the night, property of his and only his. She gave him colour. But by dawn it had faded to grey once more.

He moved over to collapse of the bed and helps the sheets to his face and inhaled her hazy memory, intoxicated. Still, he knew what was left of her didn't matter because she was gone now. Everything was gone now and he wondered, was he the only one who had encountered this hotel room in desperate search of an emotion that could so easily be confused for love?

hillwalker
10-08-2010, 07:09 PM
It's a very well written piece so I don't know why you're so self-critical at the start.

You paint an evocative scene of a post-coital bedroom and do a fairly good job of letting the reader know how the narrator feels.

My only criticism would be that some of the sentences are far too long. You should try replacing some of those commas with full stops.

Other than that a great piece of writing.

H

loki456
10-08-2010, 08:14 PM
And even though the room was in an advanced state of decay and soon to be of no use to anyone any more, it had beheld the beauty of this woman, for that one night the room had been under a spell and there was no damp on the ceiling, and the wall paper was not peeling off of the walls and tearing, the carpet was not thick with dust. There was colour.

Was this an old guy, who had just been with a hooker?

But yeah, no need to be so harsh on yourself, the key is confidence! write because it makes you feel a sense of honor to put pen to pad. Because there is a story that you want/need to tell. Take the critiques, because they make you better, yes, even the bad one's.

as far as the writing goes, i am a fan of the literary conundrum, a bit longer sentence, followed by a very short to the point sentence. don't over use it, which i don't think you have. But i think that sentence I quoted takes the statement 'that's a lengthy sentence' to the extreme - almost fainted with a nice azure shade of blue streaked across my lips.

apart from that - was a nice conceptual piece, reminded me of some old noir film.
thanks for sharing this.

Loks

alcala0001
10-08-2010, 08:21 PM
I enjoyed it. There's a timeless quality to it, like it could have happened today or 90 years ago. It's a very melancholy piece but I can relate to it. Nicely done.

Delta40
10-08-2010, 08:21 PM
I agree with Hill. The first thing that struck me was the length of some sentences. You can easily rectify this by replacing the commas with full stops.

you outline his memory of her wonderfully. Why not Room 12b?

Slap on the wrist for prefacing your work and apologising in advance. NEVER do this!