Poems

[zoolane]

The Shimmer

A pale gold shimmering.
Fall down to cover you.
Flowing through every part and body and mind.
Cleanse way negative energy.

In a second it change to glow.
Heavenly beam is how radiant azure.
Violet restore your human nature.
The light is drift way to next unfortunate soul.

[hillwalker]

Apart from having the word 'violet' at the end of verse 2 lines 2 and 3 this is a thoughtful piece of writing.

The opening 2 lines of the first verse do a fine job of setting the scene and there's a pleasant rhythm to them - the way line 1 flows naturally into line 2.

This flow is lost slightly in line 3 because it's a longer line, with quite a long pause between 'Flowing through every part' and 'of body and soul' when you read it out loud.
This would be fine if line 4 followed a similar pattern, but it doesn't seem to fit the style of writing that's gone before....

The second verse again is different in style to the first - 4 separate statements which are not as effective as those 2 opening lines.

And I'm scratching my head wondering why the souls are 'unfortunate'...?

H

[Haunted]

I too find the 3rd line cumbersome. It's starts off as such a bright and promising poem, "unfortunate" throws me off completely and left me wondering if I missed something.

[zoolane]

Apart from having the word 'violet' at the end of verse 2 lines 2 and 3 this is a thoughtful piece of writing.

The opening 2 lines of the first verse do a fine job of setting the scene and there's a pleasant rhythm to them - the way line 1 flows naturally into line 2.

This flow is lost slightly in line 3 because it's a longer line, with quite a long pause between 'Flowing through every part' and 'of body and soul' when you read it out loud.
This would be fine if line 4 followed a similar pattern, but it doesn't seem to fit the style of writing that's gone before....

The second verse again is different in style to the first - 4 separate statements which are not as effective as those 2 opening lines.

And I'm scratching my head wondering why the souls are 'unfortunate'...?

H


I too find the 3rd line cumbersome. It's starts off as such a bright and promising poem, "unfortunate" throws me off completely and left me wondering if I missed something.

Well loose basic on homeless people, who died on the street.
As we know some people are through out fault own or addicts and because they want live that way.

[Haunted]

I didn't see a picture of a wretched soul. Maybe that can be brought out besides "every part and body and mind"? Some reference to a sidewalk/pavement/curbside would help us see the homelessness angle. Otherwise it has every element of a thoughtful poem.

[zoolane]

Scarlet is weep itself into the pond.
There white glitter is form all on the garden floor
Empty space is under the fruit tree.

A grief stricken young girl.
As she stay hid within wild flowers.
Her skirt is tore to pieces.

The shame of it all.
The girl crying with guilt.

Desperate for someone to hear her.
In the secret garden
The small hole has being fill.

Under the fruit tree.


This sort came from 'Lifeless and Sympathy'

[zoolane]

I didn't see a picture of a wretched soul. Maybe that can be brought out besides "every part and body and mind"? Some reference to a sidewalk/pavement/curbside would help us see the homelessness angle. Otherwise it has every element of a thoughtful poem.

Thank you haunted I will keep mind in when revisited it.

[hillwalker]

'The Secret Garden' seems to be a sad poem - but it's not as dark as some of your work; the 'white glitter' and 'wild flowers' suggests it is more a magical place to be than a nightmare (despite the girl's torn skirt).

It makes me think that this young girl is actually not a 'girl' at all - more like something from one of angli's nature poems....

and as for your reference to homeless people in your previous piece - unless you give at least one clue it is unlikely any of us would see the link without a crystal ball :-)

H

[zoolane]

'The Secret Garden' seems to be a sad poem - but it's not as dark as some of your work; the 'white glitter' and 'wild flowers' suggests it is more a magical place to be than a nightmare (despite the girl's torn skirt).

It makes me think that this young girl is actually not a 'girl' at all - more like something from one of angli's nature poems....

and as for your reference to homeless people in your previous piece - unless you give at least one clue it is unlikely any of us would see the link without a crystal ball :-)

H


'The Secret Garden' is quite subtle in clues and I am have look that 'The Shimmer' tomorrow see what I can come up with.

[zoolane]

On My way Home.

I am sitting here stare into a bottle.
Light bronze liquid.
It softly dribble down my chin.

My brain is get pickle.
Like pickle egg from chippy.
The pavement has made me fell.

I wake up on a bench with bottle in my hand.

[Jerrybaldy]

This is the way of threads, I get here and there are three to review :)
I would never have got from 'Shimmer' to the homeless. Now knowing that is the subject,it seems as though you are wishing them saviour through the shimmer and has a slightly religious feel to it.

I have just read the secret garden and some of Hill's comments and I agree that some clues have to be given. What can seem quite candid to the writer can be read as inpenitrable to the reader. I know from experience it is a hard act to balance.

'On my way home' I think you are looking for the word pickled instead of prickle.

I can see your work becoming more and more sophisticated zoo. You obviously enjoy writing and many people enjoy reading your work. keep it up.
best wishes
Jerry

[zoolane]

Thank you Jerry.