So Serene

[Lamar Cole]

The wind felt cool upon my back.
Her eyes looked like shimmering pools of pearls.
The moon kissed the stars goodnight.
I held my sweetheart so very tight.

The sand felt good between my toes.
Her scent sweet as a rose.
The water looked so blue green.
Love by the sea so serene.

[Delta40]

I like your romantic sentiments Lamar. I think this poem might be improved if you remove the rhyming element so it stands alone

Line 3 & 4 in the second stanza both have the word 'so' Perhaps you could edit the line so it doesn't have a repetititive ring.

Its a cliched poem but I rather like the safety net of cliches

[hillwalker]

It's not so much the use of cliches I dislike as the style - the phrase 'so very tight' is the kind of trick second-rate song-writers use: expanding a line with pointless words so it will fit to the tune.
Holding someone tight and holding them so very tight - there's no difference surely.

I think your writing would improve with less reliance on rhyme and a little more showing rather than telling.

'The wind felt cool' and 'the sand felt good' tells us nothing because each of us only have our own experiences of 'cold' and 'good' to draw upon.
If you were to show us in what ways the sensation of the wind or sand actually affected you we might be able to relate to this better.

Otherwise it's such a very personalised love poem aimed at someone who presumably already knows how your mind works that I'm left feeling I've opened your private mail by mistake.

H

[tailor STATELY]

Be still my heart. Such potential.

Please excuse my humble elucidation:



Oh, So Serene
A cool breeze sighed upon my back
Her eyes glistening pools of pearls
As the moon kissed the stars to bed
I embraced my love in its light

My toes caressed by impish sands
Her scent as sweet, as sweet a rose
The sea becalmed as we made love
Old moon blushed with averted eyes

... or something

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

p.s. perhaps credit for a co-write ?

[Buh4Bee]

Lamar, I struggle to show growth in my poetry moving away from cliche to more sophisticated poetry. Sometimes it is best to focus on one area to improve. Trying to write without cliche may be difficult, but worthwhile after some practice.

Keep writing!