Disturbance

[zoolane]

Disturbance.

I am delving into an emotional state.
With disturbance actions.
I am see shine object in my hand.
Is blinding me with grief.

The thing in my hand has gore liquid drip to floor.
Out corner of my vision I can a see slumping of mass.
Sorrow is my emotion state.

[hillwalker]

This sounds as if it was written by a 'cutter'

A couple of the phrases need expressing more clearly -

'blush liquid drip to floor' - is it blood? in which case 'blushing liquid' otherwise it could be mis-read as 'bluish'

and I'm not sure what you meant by 'slump of mass' unless it's a 'slumping mass' that is meant to suggest 'sorrow' as some kind of presence in the room.

H

[zoolane]

This sounds as if it was written by a 'cutter'

A couple of the phrases need expressing more clearly -

'blush liquid drip to floor' - is it blood? in which case 'blushing liquid' otherwise it could be mis-read as 'bluish'

and I'm not sure what you meant by 'slump of mass' unless it's a 'slumping mass' that is meant to suggest 'sorrow' as some kind of presence in the room.

H

I have change the phrases and 1st line is relate last line.

[hillwalker]

It makes more sense now, but 'blushing liquid' could have been kept in the poem because it wasn't that difficult a concept to get hold of.

If I'm honest, this isn't one of your best. Mainly because it starts by telling the reader you are writing about your emotional state - then reveals those images that reflect your frame of mind - then returns to telling the reader your emotional state again.

So the reader has to switch focus 3 times in 7 lines - not a great idea for such a short piece.

If you find you need to explain your state of mind perhaps that last line might be a better opening line - and you can end the poem with something concrete like the 'slumping mass' that is the physical aspect of the disturbance in the writer's mind.

A difficult piece to get to grips with but there are some good points here.

H

[zoolane]

Lifeless

Blushing liquid is spray up the wall.
Slumping mass is gentle spread the claret.
Round the floor,
Crawl for it life.
Lifeless soul in the corner.

[zoolane]

Delving in to pool.
Of emotions with grief.
Struck down with blank vision.
Autopilot kicks in.

Struggle to main to act of be normal.
Outsiders if their sympathy and sincere chatting.
All you want to is curl up and hole swallow you up.

[hillwalker]

I can detect a pattern here - very powerful stuff, and these last 2 poems are much more focussed. I'm sure they could be combined somehow with the first poem in this series to create a very arresting piece of poetry.

having a bad day? or exploring your darker side?

H

[zoolane]

I can detect a pattern here - very powerful stuff, and these last 2 poems are much more focussed. I'm sure they could be combined somehow with the first poem in this series to create a very arresting piece of poetry.

having a bad day? or exploring your darker side?

H

No have reason day, I was trying to be more soft but to no vail.

Emotions was suppose to be happy experience. I was :dupe:

[hillwalker]

If this is you being soft, I wouldn't like to cross you when you're having a 'hard' day!

H

[zoolane]

If this is you being soft, I wouldn't like to cross you when you're having a 'hard' day!

H

Well this me being me with unique insight to something. I am not sure what that something just yet.

[Haunted]

Seems like you're having an emotional day, well conveyed through the use of deep, dark metaphors : pool...hole...corner....

[zoolane]

Seems like you're having an emotional day, well conveyed through the use of deep, dark metaphors : pool...hole...corner....

It hard to believe, it being ordinary day really. I try to put myself in the poem whether dark or soft on occassion.

[Jerrybaldy]

I have often found myself thinking that the poem is about the author or that the feelings expressed are his or hers or that a depressed poem comes from a depressed mind and sometimes its true and sometimes not. I guess not in your ordinary day, but in my mind its the poet that goes from the ordinary day into the depths of what they are writing in an instant and from what I can see above you have done that.
best wishes
jerry